Page 40 of The Blessing

Chapter 18

even flow

With my brother’s death certificate in my hand, I know denial is no longer an option for me. There’s no greater feeling of sorrow then seeing the letters forming the name of a loved one on such an impersonal piece of paper. A piece of paper which forces me to acknowledge the fact that I’ll never see, talk to, or laugh with my older brother ever again. The only place I’ll ever see him is in my mind’s eye. In my memories he’s the happy smartass I once knew. Closing my eyes, I can see him smiling at me now. Seeing his face makes me want to live in this fantasy forever, but I know the longer I hang out here—in this dream world—the sadder I’ll be when I face reality.

I’ve been fucking useless since we returned home. After hearing my mother’s opinion of me—how I ruined her marriage—paired with being handed my brother and sister-in-law’s death certificates, I’m almost catatonic. Ronnie’s holding Grey and I just exist beside her. My mind is as blank as my expression. I don’t know where the fuck to go from here. I don’t know what to do. My brother is dead and my mother resents me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ronnie asks, her voice soft and comforting.

What can I say? The one person I looked up to and believed in my entire life is gone and I’ve finally come to terms with it. The one thing that fucking stings is the fact I didn’t get a sliver of closure. He died and I never got to say goodbye to him. I never got to tell him I loved him one last time. I never got to tell him what a great brother he was. I’m silent for a long time. My girl isn’t the least bit intrusive as she sits quietly at my side, resting her head on my shoulder as a silent gesture to show me that she’s here for me.

“Tonight… was rough.”

Ronnie kisses my shoulder before pulling away to gaze up at my face. Grey’s asleep on her lap, evidently, he’s exhausted from his night of excitement. I study his facial features, finding many similarities between his and my brother’s face. I feel one of Ronnie’s hands reach out to cup my cheek as her other hand takes ahold of mine, resting our joined hands on my lap. Her guileless eyes bore into mine and I’m lost their depths. When I look at her, it’s as if all my problems fade away and all I see is her. She provides me with such a profound sense of peace. I feel like I fall more and more in love with her with each passing moment. She presses her lips to mine. My entire body relaxes as the pouty, softness of her mouth comforts me. She tastes salty, yet, still perfect—making me want all of her. At least, all which she’s willing to give me. I moan against the pillows of her mouth; she opens her lips just enough to allow my tongue to slip inside. I close my eyes at the sensation of her tongue flirting with mine.

She finally pulls away when she needs to take a breath, letting go of my hand to smooth her hair and calm herself down. It’s obvious that the kiss excited her just as much as it did me. I rest my hands on my lap to hide my erection because I know she’s most likely not ready for that just yet. I don’t want to ruin anything by having sex too soon. It’s sad that I’m so used to just bagging girls that I don’t know how to properly date one. I’ve got no idea how to pace our physical relationship. Hopefully, Ronnie will guide me because I don’t want to move too fast and scare her away.

I’m still calming down from the kiss, when Grey stirs awake from his place in Ronnie’s lap. He looks up at the both of us with a questionable look in his eye. It’s as if he knew what we were doing mere inches away from him. His bottom lip quivers before he begins to cry, immediately reaching out for me to take him. He’s always so needy when it comes to my affection, and I guess I sort of like it. It’s nice to feel wanted and needed by someone. Grey’s calmed down now that he’s resting comfortably on my shoulder. Ronnie’s looking at me with such admiration; no one’s ever fucking looked at me this way before. A man covered in tattoos and piercings doesn’t always garner that sort of reverence. Ronnie has a knack for making me feel ten-fucking-feet tall.

“He loves you so much,” she muses as she reaches out to play with his little feet.

“He said ‘da’ today,” I can’t help but brag.

“Aw,” Ronnie coos, “he must’ve been trying to say ‘daddy’! That’s wonderful!”

“I have been saying ‘dad’ around him all day today before he finally said it,” I’ve got to admit. “I just couldn’t help myself. It slipped out while I was giving him a bath and it just sounded right to me. Fuck, it felt right to me.”

“Well, you are his dad, Trev. You provide for him, you’re his mentor, and you love him more than anything. He’s your world. That’s what a dad is—and I think you make a sensational one.”

As soon as she’s finished speaking, I crash my lips against hers, pouring every ounce of myself into my kiss. I try to express to her the words that I’m too fucking afraid to say out loud. Through my kiss I tell her that I love her, that I need her, and that I’ll want her for the rest of my life. It’s Grey and his fussiness that eventually pull us apart. As soon as I break away from her, he’s tugging on my chin with his chubby little hand and gives me a needy look. I laugh because he’s so used to getting all of my attention. Finally, I grant him his wish and kiss him on his forehead. Grey giggles at the affection before resting his head happily against my shoulder again.

“See, Trev. He knows you’re his daddy.”

I remain silent for a moment, considering her words. “I thought I’d insult my brother’s memory in some way if I called myself that.”

“Trev, I didn’t get to know your brother, but I’m sure he gave you custody of his son so you could be a father to him. He obviously knew that you two would be perfect for each other. I’m sure if Dean could see you right now, he’d be smiling down at you. He’s got to be proud of you. I know I am.”

I tear up at her words and quickly look away, hiding my face. As hard as it is to believe, I’m sure she’s right. Why else would he make me his son’s guardian? He must have believed I’d be a good dad to Grey. It’s just so hard to imagine that anyone could believe I’d be good for anything—but that was just who my brother was. He saw the best in me when no one else did. He saw past my rough exterior and my shameful past. He saw the man I could be if I’d just take the right path in life. When I gain control of myself again, I look to my side at Ronnie. She’s always so patient with me.

“Thanks for saying that.” I love you. I wish I had the courage to say the last part.

Ronnie rests her head on my shoulder and nuzzles up to me just like Grey does. As we sit in silence, I realize how fucking lucky I am. I have a family I never dreamed I wanted. As time comfortably passes, I regard the two full sleeves of tattoos on my arms. I started getting inked as soon as I left Colorado at nineteen. I wish I had some room left on one of my arms to pay tribute to my brother. I never got any closure and fresh ink would be an incredible memorial to him. One day, I could show the tattoo to Grey and tell him all about his amazing father—the brother I had loved and lost. I want this tattoo to be a bold and powerful piece, one to symbolize who my brother was and what he meant to me.

I observe the artwork on my arms as I try to come up with an idea for my brother’s memorial tattoo. Both arms were completed by the same artist, giving the pieces a nice uniformity and flow. My right arm is a hyper-realistic lion, surrounded by black and gray roses; it fades out into an intricate pattern that transforms into my one pop of color, the blood red rose. On the left arm is an incredible geometric tattoo that I love but would’ve never thought to pick for myself. I allowed the artist to use me as a blank canvas, and I’m still in love with the result. It’s incredible to me that multiple pieces can come together like a puzzle to form one fantastic, intricate sleeve. While I love the tattoos and the fact they symbolize the demons I’ve dealt with as I came into my own, I want the tattoo for my brother to be even more incredible. My back is untouched and I could utilize that space if I wanted to.

While I’m inked on my chest and even my neck, I never managed to get to my back—mainly due to lack of funds. I’m grateful my back is blank because the ideas I had back then were horrendous, and now I get to dedicate an entire back-piece to Dean. The idea of a kneeling angel weighs heavy on my mind. I’ve seen tattoos like that on other people, but I could allow the artist to throw it their own twist into it. My brother was one of a kind and I want this tattoo to be the same way. It would be such an incredible representation of how I feel about him because I’m willing to change my ways in order to do right by him for the rest of my life by being a father to his child. Also, I’d like to think he’s watching over me, even though I’ve never believed in any sort of higher power before his death.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Ronnie asks as she rubs her hand up and down my arm.

“I was thinking about getting another tattoo. One in memory of Dean.”

“That’s a great idea, Trev.”

Before she can continue, I add, “I just want to have some closure. I never got any.” She’s silent and looks at me with soulful eyes, giving me time to elaborate on my thoughts when I’m ready. “I wasn’t there when he died. They couldn’t reach me before his surgery, but it’s not like I would’ve made it back here even if they had. I would’ve done my best to rush back here, though. If it only meant I could see Dean one last time… alive. Just to watch him breath before they whisked him off to surgery. I would’ve at least gotten to hold his hand,” I say, tears filling my eyes and a lump settling in my throat. “I would’ve wanted to hold his hand and tell him it was going to be okay. He was in surgery by the time my parents got to the hospital. He didn’t get to see any of his family, Ronnie,” I continue, growing fucking hysterical at her side. “He didn’t get to see our parents before he died. He didn’t get to say goodbye to his son.”

“Trev…” Ronnie begins, tears beginning to fall from her sympathetic eyes, trailing down her cheeks. She grasps my hand and holds it so tightly it hurts.

“I should’ve stayed in Evergreen. I would’ve stayed and been miserable if it meant I would’ve been able to say goodbye to him. Fuck, I couldn’t even look at him in his casket at the funeral. I watched everyone else get up and pay my respects, but I couldn’t leave my seat. And Cat… God, she died in that fucking car at the scene of the accident. I imagine Dean held her hand and told her to hang on because that’s just the type of guy he was. He would’ve encouraged her to keep going, even when he must’ve seen the light leaving her eyes. God, Ronnie. I don’t know what the fuck I would do if that were you.”