Page 34 of The Blessing

Chapter 16

as tall as cliffs

It’s so strange, seeing the colorful autumn trees and feeling the cold bite of the air without a single drug in my system. I can’t remember the last September I spent sober. It must’ve been before I entered my sophomore year of high school. I can’t remember the last time I experienced the changes the season brings without every one of my senses being amplified or contorted. Although normalcy still feels foreign to me—I welcome the feeling of control that sobriety gives me.

Grey loves the crisp, Colorado weather and, like always, he takes in the new sights with wide, curious eyes. I’m thrilled that I’ve managed to plan this day for him. I’ve never had the foresight to plan much in advance, and it’s another way to exercise the control I’m desperately craving. While I’m exhausted and my muscles are still sore from a strenuous day of work, I couldn’t pass up a day like this with my two favorite people. It feels like we’re one big happy family as we spend our day on a farm, picking out pumpkins and gorging on caramel apples. Maybe it’s seeing other families around that me makes me sentimental because it’s a glimpse at something I wish I had. Which is something that’s still fucking weird for me to come to terms with.

The pumpkin patch farm is bigger than I expected, and it’s filled with children. Their loud screams as the they chase each other about and play in the hay are overwhelming for Grey. He’s a loner like me and isn’t used to being around this many people. He buries his face against the curve of my neck and whimpers. I kiss his fuzzy little head and give Ronnie a glance, wanting to know that at least one of them is enjoying the day. She looks angelic as she walks by my side with a bright smile on her face. She’s bundled up for the crisp weather the shift in season brings. I’ve never seen a woman look so fucking cute. Despite the large sweater, jean jacket, hat, and scarf she has on, my girl’s still fucking cold. The tip of her nose is red from the chill and I want to do nothing more than kiss it. So, I do just that after stepping in front of her to cease her walking. She startles, then she gives me a shocked smile before she falls back in step with me.

“Maybe we can head over there and have our picnic?” she suggests, gesturing toward a group of tables far removed from everyone else.

“Yeah, Grey definitely needs a break from all the excitement,” I chuckle, before following her towards the picnic tables.

Before work this morning, I woke up early to put together some food for our trip. I wanted to impress Ronnie and show her how good I can be at shit like this. I threw together a salad and made a couple of sandwiches. I know it’s not the most exciting thing in the world, but I’m proud of myself for taking the initiative to arrange it. I could’ve picked up fast food or something, but I wanted her to know I cared enough to go through the trouble. We take a seat and I place Grey comfortably on my lap. I open the old backpack I had since high school and unpack our lunch. I brought hard-boiled eggs and some bread for Grey and he squinches his face in disapproval as soon as he sees the giant sandwiches and chips are not for him. Every time I’m eating dinner while feeding him, he always reaches for my food and watches me with wide, pleading eyes as I place each bite into my mouth instead of his. I tell him that he’ll be eating whatever he wants soon enough but, of course, he doesn’t understand this and cries anyway.

“Thanks for doing this, Trev. I can’t believe you woke up so early to make me lunch,” she says with a pretty blush.

I smile because I’ve barely make lunch for myself ever, let alone another person. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever cooked for another person period. Usually when it’s my turn to provide dinner for Ronnie, I order take-out or take her to a nearby, reasonably priced restaurant. I never attempt to get behind the stove in the kitchen and actually make something. I dish her out some salad and hand her a sub. I try not to look too fucking proud of myself, but Ronnie seems to be proud of me despite it being something anyone with half a brain could do. I guess it’s the fact that I did it that makes it important. I want to treat her like a princess, despite how unimportant some may think my actions are. I just want her to know just how fucking special she is to me. I mean, at times it feels as though my entire world revolves around her.

“So, I thought tonight we could carve pumpkins and watch a scary movie?”

Ronnie smiles and giggles before asking, “Where’d you get all these cute ideas from? You don’t strike me as the type of guy who carves pumpkins in his free time.”

I can’t help but feel fucking awkward as I answer her, “My older brother and I used to do stuff like this when we were kids.”

Her eyes widen and her face flushes as she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “I’m so sorry, Trev. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It’s a great idea; I was just teasing you about it.”

I give her a small smile, indicating it’s okay. She didn’t offend me, I just don’t like feeling stupid in front of her. “It’s fine, I just thought it’d be something you’d like to do. And I thought Grey would get a kick out of finger painting.”

Truly, I just wanted to do it because it reminded me of my brother. We grew up doing so much shit together during the fall, and it’s strange to go into the season knowing he’s not alive to be a part of it. Sure, I wasn’t around a lot over the past five years, but I still knew he was out there somewhere and that was all I needed. Now, I don’t know what the fuck to do or how to feel.

“I’d love to do it, Trev. Thanks for thinking of me.” She pauses for a moment and watches me curiously. “I know things are hard without your brother. I was a mess during the holidays after my mother passed away. I was filled with so much hate and anger…” She pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. “I know you don’t always think you’re strong, but you’re handling this much better than I did.”

“You were a child, though,” I comment, reaching across the table to take her hand in mind.

“It’s hard to deal with death—no matter what age you are,” she says before giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

I begin to feed Grey and Ronnie changes the subject to something happier. I’m grateful for the change. I hope it becomes easier for me to talk about Dean one day. I want to be able to look back on the memories I had with him and not be so depressed about his death. We had some amazing times together and I’ll treasure for every single one of them. We made the most of the time we had together growing up and I’m thankful he was my brother—even though he left my life so incredibly soon. I listen to Ronnie as she talks, but don’t contribute much to the conversation. Whenever I get into this fucking funk I just want to kick myself in the ass. I don’t want to ruin the present because I’m dwelling on the past. Grey becomes restless sitting on my lap, so I grab a blanket from my backpack and we move our picnic to the ground.

As soon as he’s on the ground, he yanks on the sleeve of my jacket and tries to pull himself to his feet. He’s getting stronger every day and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the fact that he’s going to be up and walking soon. Part of me wants him to stay a little baby forever, but another part can’t wait until he can walk and talk.

“Is he going to stand?” Ronnie asks excitedly as she watches Grey attempt to pull his bottom off the ground.

“I hope so. He stands up all the time, but I’m the only one around to see him do it.”

Grey is concentrating so hard as he sticks out his tongue and puts all his energy into standing. He manages to pull himself up for a moment, and then falls back down on his butt, before quickly trying again. I give him an encouraging smile, and he smiles back at me, momentarily dazed, before he finds the strength to pull himself to his feet.

“Oh my, Gosh! Grey!” Ronnie exclaims, applauding my little guy as he stands before her. She pulls out her phone and takes a quick picture of him.

Grey giggles and his laughter sends him back on his ass. He pouts for a moment before reaching for me to pick him up. He giggles as I settle him in my arms. I find the sound to be the most relaxing and assuring sound in the world. Grabbing my thumb, he puts it in his mouth and begins to gnaw on it.

“Aw, Trev. He loves you so much,” she coos as she crawls across the blanket to get closer to me.

I smile at her, knowing what she’s said is most likely true. It’s weird to think about Grey loving me because it’s weird to think about anyone loving me. After loathing myself for so long, experiencing anything else is a shock to my system. Since he has come into my life, my confidence has grown, and I’ve learned to hate myself a little less. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly love myself, but I do know now that I’m capable of love. Grey means everything to me, and Ronnie… Fuck, I can’t even begin to describe the way I feel about her. I’ve never experienced a romantic love and thinking about feeling that way for her will always be terrifying.

“Grey’s so easy to love,” I comment as I look down at my little guy. “Everyone who meets him can’t help but love him.” Kind of like how everyone who meets you can’t help but love you, Ronnie.

After our picnic, we pack up and head back to the pumpkin patch. The hayrides, caramel apples, and rows of pumpkins in various sizes and shapes brings me back to a happier time with my brother. Mom and Dad used to bring us here every September to pick out a special pumpkin to carve or paint because we both were always too eager to wait for “Halloween time” to do so. I loved it. Especially when I was really little and my dad would let me sit on his shoulders as we walked around the patch. When he would finally put me back on the ground, I’d chase Dean through the fields and we’d play in the hay until my mother came and dragged us out. I can remember it so vividly in my mind as if it were just yesterday.