Page 4 of The Blessing

“So, you’re staying in Colorado then?”

My head whips around as I hear my mother’s voice from behind me. I didn’t even hear her approach, but apparently, she’d been listening the whole time. She looks surprised, as if she expected me to run away from my responsibilities or fail them. I suppose I can’t blame her because I haven’t had the best track record—but this is different. Grey is all that I have left of my brother. How the fuck could I run away from him?

“I was planning on staying,” I say, trying to keep the bitterness I feel out of my voice.

I feel like I’m a teenager again. She treated me like I was an irresponsible little shit then, and apparently nothing has changed. How can change happen, when everyone around you predicts your next steps, based off a notion of the past which you no longer feel associated with? I’ve only been removed from my old life for a matter of days, and already I feel like a different man. I can’t change the choices I’ve made—regardless of how fucking much I want to. All I can do now is try to move on and do better. Dean always believed in me—perhaps it’s time I started believing in myself.

“That’s good,” she comments, but I’m not convinced she actually wants me here.

I try to convince myself that this is her grief talking, but I fear it’s more than that. She’s never truly like me—even though I’ve spent years pretending that wasn’t true.

“I’m going to apply for some jobs today and hopefully go to a few interviews this week,” I tell her, hoping it will convince her I’m here for good.

“That’s wonderful, Trevor,” my dad says with an impressed smile. He’s always been my biggest supporter, despite my flaws. I give him a brief smile and he continues, “Take my laptop for as long as you need it.”

Feeling uncomfortable with both of my parents in the room, I quickly take the laptop, thank my dad, and return to the living room to find Grey still playing in his baby gym. As soon as I see his smiling face, I can finally breathe again. I have no idea why my parents make me feel so fucking edgy—but I’ve never liked it. I always feel like my mom is summing me up and looking for defects. That’s why I’ve always liked to be as far away from her as possible. That sounds so horrible and I feel bad for thinking it, but I can’t help the emotions she inspires in me. She could always change her tune if she wanted to, but she just… doesn’t.

Despite the good morning I’ve had, I still feel defeated after that brief interaction with my mother. Luckily, Grey is all smiles and manages to brighten my mood considerably. He reaches for me, making me feel like the most important person in the world. Maybe this is one of the draws to having children in the first place. They make you feel teen feet tall and bulletproof when they look at you with this sort of love and adoration. It’s especially nice at a time like this, when I really fucking need it. I pull him onto my lap and settle him on one of my thighs while the laptop is powering up on the other.

Grey points at the computer and makes a sound, as if he were trying to ask what on Earth it was. “It’s a laptop, buddy. I’m going to apply for some jobs today and hopefully I’ll be able to get us our own place soon,” I tell him, although, I don’t know why I’m saying any of this shit aloud. It’s not like he understands a single word of it. I suppose it just makes me feel better to have someone to talk to.

I turn on the television to Sunday cartoons for Grey, as I apply for some jobs. I forgot how long it took to fill out applications. They want to know about your schooling and work history, and then they want you to take a personality test to see if you’re a “good fit.” As much as I think it’s bullshit—I know I’ve got to complete all of this stuff if I want to get an interview.

After a few hours of filling out applications with a few breaks here and there for Grey’s sake, I’m completely fucking beat. I just hope that someone will call me back tomorrow because I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I filled out applications for everything from a construction worker to a night clerk at a gas station. I have no experience working construction, but if they’d give me a chance, I know I’d be a fast learner. Hell, I’d learn anything quickly because I know my future is really fucking riding on it. I don’t remember the last time I’d be so driven. My motivation is in my arms with a huge grin on his face. I’ve got to do better for him. I don’t know what I’d do if I let him down. However, Grey isn’t the only reason I’m trying to improve; I want to do this for myself, as well. I want to prove to myself that I’m not a complete fuck-up. I want to prove that I can do something right.