Page 14 of The Blessing

Chapter 8

Honey and the moon

Grey’s going to get his first tooth. He’ll get his first tooth and my brother won’t be here to see it. I can’t describe how that makes me feel. I can’t suppress the lump in my throat or the tears that which my tired eyes. Past the sadness, past all the longing, all I can feel is rage. Bitter. Fucking. Rage. Someone took Dean away and no matter what I say or do, I’ll never get him back. There’s an entire life he’ll miss out on, just because someone was too fucking selfish to stop and help him and his wife. Too fucking selfish to look outside themselves for one fucking millisecond and see how that shit situation would affect others. They didn’t give a fuck about anything.

That person is still out there somewhere, and that fact ices me to the core. As I hold Grey, all I can think about is what I’ve lost. In the past month and a half my entire life has changed into something I don’t recognize. Sometimes I look at my mug in the mirror and wonder if this is all just a charade, if this “transformation” is really me just pretending to be someone I’m not. I think that’s what worries me the most. It’s the reason I find it so hard to sleep at night. I’m afraid I’ll wake-up one day and switch back to the man I’ve grown to hate. My former self.

Grey must sense my stress and begins to move in my arms to get a better look at me. I know I’m acting childish. I know I should stand up and be the type of father-figure Grey needs, but sometimes I just want to throw everyone out, press my face against a pillow and fucking scream. I know I should talk to someone, anyone, but I’ve always been a “suffer in silence” type. I’d rather deal with my problems myself than having to voice all my weaknesses aloud to someone else.

Grey makes a few noises, as if he were trying desperately to communicate something to me, before he grabs my thumb and starts chewing on it. I force a smile on my face, trying to appear strong for him. Since Ronnie went back to her apartment, I’ve completely fallen apart. She was a wonderful distraction, but the moment she left I started to think of Grey. I thought about his first tooth, his inevitable first steps, first day of school, his graduation… Every first he has my brother is going to fucking miss. I wish Ronnie weren’t busy. I wish she could come right back and distract me from everything. Although I’ve only just learned her name today, she has this way about her… like she could make me forget about all the terrible shit in my life with a snap of her fingers.

“You’re getting your first tooth!” I cheer with forced enthusiasm. “Are you excited, little man?”

He gives me a quizzical look, then smiles around my thumb.

“Your daddy would be so proud of you, Grey. You’re going to grow up to be everything he could’ve ever wanted,” I assure him, although, I know he can’t understand me. “I know your parents loved you so much, buddy.”

He giggles at this and holds my thumb tighter in his grip. I stare at him for a long time, wishing I could convey how deeply my brother loved him, but I know no words could ever do that love justice. I can tell him about his parents, show him pictures once he’s old enough to understand, but I know he’ll never truly remember them. Maybe deep down he’ll remember glimpses of them, but that’s all I can hope for. All I can do is love him in their place. Fuck, all of this just makes me want a drink. Maybe I should go across the hall and beg my beautiful neighbor to distract me a little longer. I hold Grey in my arms and close my eyes, imagining a world where everything in my life was how it once was.

The sounds he makes rouses me from my thoughts and since he isn’t interested in his bottle, we watch morning cartoons on the carpeted living room floor. His laughter soothes my anger and after a few episodes, I finally have control of myself again. My bouts of grief seem to come and go. Something random will trigger me and whatever it was has the power to make me feel completely lost and utterly alone. Thankfully, Grey is here to bring me out of it. I know he shouldn’t have the weight of that responsibility on his shoulders. I know I need to talk to someone—a professional, perhaps. I can’t share all my secrets with a six-month-old baby. However, it’s so easy to open up when he’s dozing off in my arms. I can see my reflection in his eyes and I feel like I can tell him all of my secrets.

“One more episode, buddy?” I ask him, reaching for the remote.

He gives me a bright smile and giggles, giving me my answer. I play another episode of one of his favorite cartoons and watch him as he watches the television. He’s so animated. You can tell everything that’s going on in that little head of his by just looking at the expressions on his chubby face. Halfway through the episode there’s a knock on the door, and he grows fussy as I carry him away from the television to answer it.

“Come on, buddy. No more tears. I just have to see who’s knocking on our door,” I assure him before kissing him on the forehead to calm a potential tantrum.

I swing the door open to find none other than my beautiful neighbor. She looks very different than she did this morning. She’s now wearing a jean dress that hugs her curves. Her hair hangs in soft curls and her natural beauty is highlight with makeup. She’s a fucking knock-out and despite her shy exterior, I’m sure she knows this.

“I just wanted to check on you and Greyson,” she says with a hint of a blush.

I return her small smile, thrilled she’s here. I’m honestly surprised she’s talking to me at all. Maybe she just likes to be around cute babies? This visit can’t just be to see me. I step aside and open the door fully, gesturing for her to come in.

“He’s doing much better. Thanks for your suggestion earlier. You’re a life saver,” I tell her as I usher her into the living room.

“It’s no problem,” she says with a bashful smile which I’m finding more and more appealing by the second. “I babysit my niece, Harper, all the time. You’re my new neighbor, so helping you out is the least I can do.”

I smile at her words and laugh as Grey wiggles his body in my arms, wanting to get closer to the television. “We were just watching cartoons if you wanted to join us,” I say as I take a seat on the couch and gesture for her to do the same. Realizing it’s a weekday and I’m not a work, I quickly add, “I took today off work to take care of Grey.” I just fucking stammered like an idiot. I sink into the couch and take a deep breath, hoping this chick doesn’t notice my awkwardness. I’m usually smooth with women, but Ronnie has me feeling like an inexperienced son of a bitch.

“Having weekdays off are the best,” she agrees with a smile.

“What do you do?” I ask conversationally, wanting to know more about this intriguing girl.

“I work from home as an editor. It’s my dream job.” She laughs, as if there was some inside joke I was missing. When I give her a curious look, she continues, “I’ve never been too keen on working with tons of people. I used to work at an office, but with all the office drama and cliques, it was absolutely terrible. I’m just happy to be free of that.”

“I know what you mean. I usually keep to myself when I’m at work and just think about what I want to do when I get home.”

“And what is that?”

“Play with Grey, of course,” I say as I poke his chubby, little stomach. He throws his head back and giggles before nestling his face against my chest.

“I understand that. When I worked in an office, all I thought about was my cat.” She pauses for a moment, blushing before she continues to say, “Wow, how sad is that? You probably think I’m some crazy loner cat lady.”

I scoff. “Never.” You’re too fucking hot to be a crazy cat lady. Although, if I had my way, I’d see just how crazy she really is. “What kind of cat do you have?”

“She was a black cat named Salem,” she tells me with a smile similar to the one I get when I’m thinking about Grey.

“Salem? You a big Sabrina the Teenage Witch fan?”