Page 93 of The Snowflake Effect

He stuffs his hands into his pants pockets and shrugs one shoulder. Shrugs, like he isn’t breaking my heart. “I don’t know another way that protects Jackson.”

Except his easy dismissal of me doesn’t feel Jackson related. This feels…different. And I’m, apparently, the only one who has to make sacrifices.

Bitter memories of passing up a job for Richard slice through me, a familiar self-hate dredged up from my past. Again, a guy is making me choose. Again, a man’s life takes precedence over mine.

I shake my head, the movement getting sharper, faster. “I’m not a snowball, Kolton. At least, not anymore. I’m a snowflake now.”

I swear, that sounded better in my head.

He blinks at me like I have three eyeballs. “What are you talking about? And what does being a snowball have to do with you not giving us a shot?”

“I’m not giving us a shot?” I gesture angrily at…everything. “I’m the only one working for a mutually beneficial solution. A snowflake solution, so I don’t turn into a snowball and disappear into your life. If I move now, I’ll be giving up everything just to be with you. What does that say about me? What type of person does that make me?”

“Brave,” he says, not backing down an inch.

I match his squared shoulders with my own. “I am being brave, Kolton. I’m offering you a compromise. If we spend some time long distance, I’d be in this with you. If you get hurt, I get hurt. If Jackson suffers, I suffer. I would never cheat on you. I…I love you.”

Instead of acknowledging my vulnerable confession, he stares up at a flickering light, the strobe snapping to a silent beat. “Marina loved me, too, Shay. Distance changes people. I didn’t like the guy I became.” Flicker flicker flicker goes the light. “Anyway, it’s fine. You made your choice. It would’ve been nice to hear it from you and not Hilary, but it’s your choice just the same.”

“Kolton…”

Nothing else. No words are adequate. My chest constricts. His decision feels bigger than Marina having cheated on him. Like he’s using that as an excuse. Like he’s purposely using this as a way to end us. To quit before things between us get tough, because…

“You’re scared,” I blurt, my mind suddenly on fire.

The past weeks, he’s been oddly distracted at times, sometimes looking flushed and worried, like his thoughts might be spiraling. Usually during our more quiet moments—at the beach, at home when we were with Jackson, lounging together on the couch—which could mean he’s been quietly freaking out. And he didn’t broach the subject of me moving to Vancouver until Hilary offered me the job.

I assumed he waited out of courtesy to me, so I could make an informed decision, but now I’m not so sure. It’s more like he knew getting the job would alter my decision. Like he was waiting for me to get the offer, wanting me to turn him down.

I look at this man I love with all my heart as the reality of his pain truly sinks in. “You’re scared to love me and lose me like you lost Marina.”

“What?” He blinks and shakes his head, but there’s no missing the sudden sheen in his eyes. “That’s not what this is. I pursued you, if you’ve forgotten. I asked you to move to Vancouver with me. I was ready for that big next step, but since that’s not happening, I’d say we’re done here.”

He passes his hand over his mouth, and I’d swear he’s shaking.

“I’m switching my flight,” he goes on. “Leaving tomorrow. Maybe you should stay with one of the girls tonight, pick up your stuff from my place after I go. I’ll tell Jackson you said goodbye. Sawyer can handle things from here.”

Leaving? Tomorrow? His abrupt decision is a blowtorch to my heart. And Jackson. The idea of not seeing him again, not pushing him on a swing or reading from the dictionary with him has a sob climbing up my throat.

Suddenly boneless, I crouch on my heels to keep from falling down.

This is a different Kolton: sterile, clinical, unfeeling. Gone is the charmer who woos. He’s shuttered himself from me. This man who taught me to trust again is walking away to protect himself, and I don’t know how to combat that. If this is fear to lose another woman he loves, how do I battle this level of panic? Why would I uproot my life for him, lose an amazing job, if he’s not ready to be all in?

His shoes shuffle in front of me, then he says, “Shay.” Followed by a quiet, “Are you okay? Should I get the girls?”

“No,” I whisper. “I’ll be fine.” Total lie, but I manage to stand. “You can go.”

The side door suddenly slams open, and Lily and Raven tumble into the alley. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Raven staggers toward me but stops when she sees Kolton. “Sorry. Did we interrupt?”

He shoves a hand into his pocket. “No, we’re done.”

Over. Finished.

Forever.

He opens his mouth but closes it. “Enjoy the rest of your night, ladies.”

Then he’s gone. No backward glance.