Page 70 of Licks

When I stood on the precipice of a skydive, I’d look down and study the broad strokes of a town or city, the roads and forests and lakes in their expanse. Hikers below could enjoy the wild flowers and sprouting mushrooms. Fishermen could inhale the briny air and listen to yodeling loons.

Different perspectives of the same place.

Exactly how Rachel was reordering my history in a new way, forcing me to study it from a different angle, and acknowledge that the woman I was now could handle more because I had more.

“Yes,” I said quietly.

She looked at Ainsley and fanned a hand toward me. “I’d like the record to show that teenage Gwen had no support network, and present-day Gwen has an incredible amount going for her.” She placed her palm face-up on the table, waiting until I put my hesitant hand in hers. She gathered my fingers. “Losing him would be awful, but not giving him a shot, when you’re clearly swoony over the man, would be worse.”

“I’m still scared.”

“Does bungee jumping, which you’ve done more than once, still scare you?”

“It does.” No matter how many times I stepped into that void, adrenaline would send my blood rushing, fear and excitement mixing.

“Think of dating August like that. We’re your rope—us and all this other amazing stuff in your life. If your leap takes a turn for the worse, we’ll keep you tethered.”

“I’ll take you shopping,” Ainsley added. “And we’ll get Rachel drunk and watch her embarrass herself.”

A guaranteed pick-me-up, and I exhaled a slow breath.

I’d assumed my downward spiral after my WTF had been because of losing August, that he’d been the eye of that storm. He had been, to some degree. But I’d never considered my situation at the time, how it had played a large part. A bigger part. Without coping skills and people to commiserate with, I’d wallowed. No one had tossed my unwashed laundry at my face and told me to get a grip. No one had hugged me when it all became too much. No one had acted out Law & Order or told me penis jokes.

Sitting alone in a dank apartment had been a one-way ticket to Self-Pity City.

A wave of emotion rocked me. “I love you bitches.”

Ainsley covered her heart with her hand. “Nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. And meeting you two was the luckiest day of my life. I’m honored to share our birthdays, and I can’t wait to celebrate tonight.” She raised her smoothie for a toast. “To being radical bitches and scaring ourselves…and buying Emmett a penis pump.”

Rachel’s cackle erupted. “To us and fear and penis pumps.”

We clinked our smoothies and chatted about tonight’s birthday outing. The plan was to meet for casual drinks, us with our men. Emmett and Cameron would join us.

And August.

I still couldn’t believe he was my man, but he was. It didn’t matter that yesterday had been our first day together in an eternity. Crying on his chest last night, letting him see me vulnerable and weak, had made me feel strong, not alone. Not as a charity case. He was my other, and your other was supposed to support you and protect you. Exactly how I felt about him. I wanted to protect him, understand the man he’d become.

There was no use fighting our pull, and the girls were right: I’d survive no matter the outcome. Which meant it was time to jump in with both feet. I had unused vacation days, enough to string together a few weeks of travel. I’d check my calendar this morning, figure out when I could meet him in Germany. Although anxious to open up fully and put my heart and future on the line, I had to try. I’d loved August as long as I’d known him.

Even still. Even now. All this time later.

The girls kept chatting, but I could barely sit still. I couldn’t wait to share my decision with August. I’d tell him the second we met at Fisherman’s Wharf. But my restlessness was more than that. Realizing I’d interpreted my depression after my WTF wrong, that I’d been too entrenched in the intensity of my sadness to understand more than August had knocked me sideways, left me unsettled.

I’d also been sure finding my father was the right thing to do. That knowing him, even if he was an asshole, was better than living with the ten million unanswered questions I’d amassed. Was this the wrong perspective, too? If he was horrible, would I truly be happier knowing?

There was a reason my mother had never told me his name. It could have been personal—her fears and issues driving her. Or it could have been to protect me from something awful. If I gave up this search and forgot about my birthday resolution, I could spend the next day with August, in a bed, a shower, against a wall, on the floor again. We could make excellent use of our seconds. I suddenly wasn’t sure on the smart move.

My attention drifted toward Emmett, who was running on his treadmill. His mother had left him and Owen when they’d been young. They had different fathers, men they’d never known or met. He would understand my situation more than most people, another new support in my life.

I drained the last of my smoothie. “I need to chat with Emmett, then I’m heading out.”

Ainsley launched an air kiss my way. “Ask him if he needs the small or extra-small penis pump.”

I snickered.

Rachel shushed our friend. “More important is that you’re going to pledge your undying love to August before you meet us later, right?”

I drew an X over my heart. “I’ll offer to have his babies.”