Page 85 of Absolution

Christy raises her brows. “Yeah, I think we all have.”

“Just marking my territory, ladies.” Melissa laughs with the rest of us. At least she’s a good sport, I don’t think that fiery redhead I know would feel the same with her draped on me. But then again, I can’t say.

Crystal waits patiently, just as Connor described her. “Creed, you have something you wanted to share?”

“Yes, thank you.” I run my hand through my hair, praying for the courage to right a few of my many wrongs. “Maybe, we should have a seat.”

Crystal bumps my shoulder with hers. “So, no Scarlet?”

“I’m not sure that’s gonna work out.” I glare at Mark, the loudmouth fucker. I hate to half-ass lie, but who’s here to hold me accountable.

“Because you’re not trying to work anything out, asshole.” Mark drops into the seat next to me, and I’m left with no other options but to sit front and center of everyone.

“I wasn’t ready for a trial by fire.” I rub the back of my neck, hoping to dissipate the panic attack I feel on the horizon. “He’s right.”

“Of course, I am.” Mark quips.

I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. My chest concaves with such pain, I can’t seem to breathe. A few long deep breaths, I force myself to begin.

“As I walked down the hall to this room, I passed the kids next to us. I stopped and stared, doing my best to pick out who belonged to my best friends. It was so easy to see their fathers in each of them.

“I hate the fact that my selfishness kept you from knowing the truth and getting the closure you all deserve. I think at some point, I was so consumed with guilt, I didn’t want to remember. The more I learned of what great men I was surrounded by; I couldn’t help but question why I was spared.” I clasp my hands when they begin to shake.

Crystal lays her hand over mine, helping to steady them. “Take your time, you’re doing great.”

“Am I? Because it sure as hell don’t feel like it.” I take a deep breath, releasing it so I can finish what I came to do. “I’ve heard it called survivors’ guilt, a few have even called it selfish as hell. But there’s one thing Scarlet taught me about, I haven’t been able to get out of my head.”

“What military spouses go through.” I glance around the room at the tear-filled eyes. “As service members, we tend to keep close, not wanting to worry those left behind at home. But the truth is… you’ve already worried about it for us! Your fear, anger, worry, and even grief go unchecked for the better part of the time we’re gone.” I run my hand through my hair, ready to pull myself bald for being so selfish.

Crystal touches my shoulder, offering me encouragement. “You’re doing great.”

“No, I’m not. I left her here. I made a choice to serve without any regard for her or our future. Still, she waited on me to come home, only to show up broken and angry. She didn’t sign-up for this shit but paid the price. Those of you left here to keep our world turning, deserve more gratitude and respect than most can fathom. Thank you for your service.” I take my time, looking at each of them in the eye to express my gratitude.

Quinn slaps me on the back. “So, your flamer taught you all of this?”

“Scarlet has shown me more in the last few weeks about love and military life than I have ever known.”

“God, I love that redhead.” Mark chuckles when I narrow my eyes at him.

I snarl at him. “I’m sitting right here.”

“Whatever,” he shrugs. “all I’m saying is be glad I’m a hot ticket, or I’d punch her library card.”

Liam taps his knee. “Cut him some slack.”

“No worries, we all know he doesn’t even know where in the hell a library is.”

“I’d do an internet search and still punch her card.” Mark shrugs with a shitting eating grin. I flip him off, and he chuckles because now he knows he has the upper hand when it comes to messing around with my woman.

“As I was saying, I’m sorry for not doing everything I should’ve sooner. I allowed my fear to drive me, and self-loathing to fuel it.” I hang my head as bile rises in the back of my throat.

A hand on my shoulder helps me to force it back down and face the consequences. “You have to forgive yourself, or you’ll never have a chance to heal.”

“All I had to do was face my demons but refused to stare the devil in the face. I hate myself for robbing all of you the chance to know the truth, to find the man who did this to all of us.”

Corinne eases to the edge of her seat. “So, what are you saying?”

“As I’m sure you’ve already heard, Mark and Jackson accompanied me earlier this week to give a deposition of my account of the mission. I’ve named Dave Riggins as the suspect in the deaths of your husbands.” My chest clenches, and I scramble from my seat as my lungs begin to seize.