Page 81 of Absolution

“That’s when you heard I was dead?” His brows are pulled so tight, his forehead wrinkles.

“Yes, and it’s also how I learned about your parents risking whatever they could to get help for you. To rescue you from the hell you were in, no matter what it took. Even if it costs them everything.”

He walks around, slumping into the chair. “And for what?”

“The only thing they wanted was for their son to come home. Did you know they put them through a funeral? In the beginning, you were reported dead. Crawford went through the motions, but after, he raised hell until he found the truth. That’s when he called his friend and asked for a favor. Jackson didn’t hesitate.” My hands are soaked at this point, but I still try to dry my face. I’ve been strong long enough, so I open the flood gates.

“I owe them a lot; I know, but that doesn’t absolve them from anything.” His eyes darken with his words. “They should have told me, just like the rest of them. And like you should have.”

“Why are you still blaming everyone for this? I was told you were dead! I grieved every day for you, mourned myself sick. Only to then find out, you were alive. Now, we were strangers, and you didn’t even know I existed. I came so close to losing Emmie, and it would’ve ended me. Am I supposed to blame you for any of this? How would it be fair?”

“We’ve all paid a price, I suppose.” His head hangs. My heart knows what he’s feeling, hopelessness.

“Did you know she’s named for your mom? Kathryn… Emmie Kate. I needed to be close to you, and didn’t know how to tell them or if I even should.” I clutch my stomach as nausea overcomes me.

His head snaps up. “So, she still doesn’t know?”

“I wanted to reach out to your parents, but they were grieving too. I didn’t know what to do or say. How do you tell someone about an illegitimate child that their son knew nothing about? I could’ve had a DNA test done, but can you imagine the conversation? I show up asking for a cup of genetics to prove you’re the baby daddy.” I fist my hair, not knowing if it’s from insanity or despair.

“Yeah, you might’ve called that one right.” He chews his lip, fraught with worry.

“When I would miss you or life would get hard, I would go to your grave to mourn. It ripped me to shreds for days on end, missing you was nothing compared to being faced with your death. There’s no coming back from death, right?” I shrug, wiping my tears on my shoulder. How you make someone understand what grief does to a person? Even when they go through it, it’s different for each person.

“You know the one thing you’re never taught how to do? Mourn. Oh, trust me, plenty of people, who have never lost a loved one, are happy to regal you with instant remedies to ‘get over him.’ But that’s the thing, no one holds the secret for death and how to move past it.”

“Sometimes, I think my parents are still mourning.” His jaw ticks with thought.

“Grief is but a thief of love and life. It’ll rob you of your sleep and peace of mind. Showing up at the most inappropriate of times, even attempting to steal your unborn child. All for the love you no longer have, or can hold. The simplest things like lying beside them to feel their warmth.” My knees give way, and I fall to the floor. Creed rushes over, his hands outreached. I throw mine in the air and scream as my heart breaks again with the pain, refusing him as he has me.

“No! You don’t get to do that right now. Do you know how unfair it is to those of us left behind to grieve or worry late at night about you? We have no one or nothing to find comfort in. I couldn’t call or ask if you were okay. I had no proof that you’re mine, and that I needed you. I was utterly lost! Surely, you know how that feels?”

He kneels in front of me, offering his hand once again. “I still am. Lost and confused.”

I sit in the middle of his living room in a mess, heaving from the tears that won’t stop falling—the same ones that have escaped more times than I like to admit. Even now, there are more than ever before.

“I didn’t come here to make you feel guilty for any of this, not with the things you’ve been through. My life doesn’t afford me the chance to pass judgment. I spend my time with our daughter, mourning you every day, even though you’re alive.

“Then the day came when you walked back into our life. I tried to fight it and pushed you away. But you don’t run, Creed. Even when I accuse you of it, hoping to make you mad enough to hate me. When you know what you want, you come after it. I’m not going to feel guilty for giving in to you.” I pick myself up from the floor, dusting off as I do. It’s not the first time over the last few years I’ve had dirt on me, after being dragged for being a single mom. And in this world, it won’t be the last.

“You were given so many chances to tell me all of this, but here you are after I’ve walked away. I left because you are just like the rest of them, you want to blame everyone but yourself for what’s happened now. You made this mess, live in it.” His words sink me like cement around my ankles. I’m drowning, and there’s nothing I can say.

“You’re right, I deserve this. But I also deserve to be angry with everyone that took you from me. Even with you, Creed. I died the day they said you were gone. If it weren’t for Emmie, I wouldn’t have survived. Every day for two years, I died again, not having you with us. I lived the same life as all of the other spouses, but I had no way of getting any information. I lost the love of my life, and there was no one I could turn to.”

He steps back, spitting vitriol at me. “You loved me so much, you kept my daughter from me. Even after we made love, you didn’t mention any of it. Tell me again how love works because I don’t recall this being anything like it.”

“Creed, I never said I haven’t made mistakes, but I’ll be damned if you or anyone else questions my love for you. I’m here! I’ve always been right here waiting on you.”

“Maybe your mistake was waiting for me or even loving me in the first place. Come to think of it, maybe it was thinking I still loved you.” There you have it, ladies and gentlemen—the quickest and deadliest way to destroy a person.

I stumble back as his words hit me like a wrecking ball. “I suppose you’ve got me there.”

“Scarlet, I’m no good for anyone. I can’t remember who I am, let alone anyone else. You’re looking for a hero, one that will come back the same as when he left, and I can’t give you that. Especially now, after the last few days.”

“And Emmie?” I whisper her name. He shakes his head as an answer. “I didn’t want more than you could give. I’ve never asked you for anything and never will.”

“She doesn’t even know me, why should it matter now?”

“If only I had your restraint, my life would’ve been easier. Right? The struggle and pain wouldn’t have been for nothing. I’ve been fighting for nothing this entire time.” I have nothing left; my tears won’t even fall.