Page 77 of Absolution

I drag in a deep breath, letting it burn my parched lungs. Tears spring to my eyes and hate fills my gut. I wallow the words around, disgusted with the taste of them.

Still, I know they’re better out than they are left in where they fester and rot. In the dark, I didn’t have to face my demons, but now that my sins are brought to light, I stare them down.

“Everyone knew the answers to the questions I’ve held at bay thinking, no believing, they would be the end of me. I’m still not sure this won’t finish me off.” I roll to my side, sitting up to pour a drink. I take a swig, before filling my glass again and handing one to her. I lean against the headboard, and Scarlet sits next to me.

She sips her whiskey, weighing her words. “I’ll understand if it’s too much to explain right now, so all I need to know is if you’re okay?”

“I am not.” I throw back my drink, setting the glass to the side. “I’ve lived in fear of facing whom I am and being accepted for it or rejected for who I no longer am.”

She lowers her gaze. “So, you regained some of your old self today.”

“And lost so many others.”

“Why do you feel like you’ve lost?”

I sit up, my anger ebbing and flowing fluently. “No one told me we had a missing team member. The time I’ve wasted waiting for any type of recall or notion about that day could’ve been spent on searching for the one responsible.”

“So, you remember everything now?” Her brows pull tight.

“Certain things, parts of my life. I don’t know why, but I have a clearer picture of the ambush and who was there. Kinda like the most recent things, or the more memories I have with someone, I recall them easier.”

“Playing like a movie reel from the fifties, it’s outtakes and current events.” She wets her lips as I nod. “Have you talked to anyone to see if you can remember more?”

“Hell no! I’m so fucking livid right now. Who does that to a person? To make the decision for them as to what they’re told. This is my life!” I shudder, sickened with all of them.

Scarlet’s lip begins to tremble. “You’ve been robbed of so much, and your family has lived a nightmare, I understand why you would feel this way. I’m sure I would too.”

“I’m sorry, Scar.” I lay my hand on her knee. “I hope I’m not frightening you, I’m just so angry with all of them. I feel like I’ve been living a lie. Even better, that everyone has been lying to me.”

“I can see how that would make you think it and believe it to be true. But what if…” Scar averts her eyes. “it was done outta love, Creed?”

“Explain to me how this equates to love?”

She blanches. “If the doctors and the navy said it was best not to tell you, to allow you to remember on your own terms, how is that wrong of them?”

“I may not recall lots of things, but I can say that’s not the love I remember wanting to be a part of or needing.”

“You, your family, and friends, all of the experts agreed that the best thing for you to do was to take your time and allow you to regain it on your own. How can you blame anyone else?” Scarlet dries her face with the back of her hand. I didn’t realize that she’s been crying.

I pull her into my lap, helping to dry her eyes. “I’m okay, or I will be. For two years, all I’ve heard is that I need time. After today, I’m convinced of it.”

“Yeah, I suppose I would need it too.”

“I’ll never be the man I once was, that much I do know. I don’t think I’ve changed much, but I’m not sure how much I’ll trust people again.”

“Even your family? The guys? Why would you not?” Her face is marred with fear and hurt. Maybe she thinks I’ll change without them in my life.

“I can’t explain it, Scar. They may not have flat out lied to me, but they directed my life and the content of it. How am I supposed to become whole again without all of the pieces to do so? They made that choice for me with no consideration about how it would affect me.”

“Of course, yes. That must be horrific.” She nods sniffling.

“Please, don’t worry.” I lift her chin, pressing my lips to hers. “Maybe after a good night’s sleep, things won’t feel so hopeless.”

“Agreed.” She slumps, finally relaxing. We curl up in one another’s arms, and unlike the night before, I don’t toss and turn.

“Hatch! Hatch! This way! Roll out! Roll out now!” The darkness is like walls as each word bounces off them, echoing around me and leaving me disoriented. There’s anguish infused with them; I’m gutted. Feeling lost, I search the dark for hope… for home.

“Creed?” The soft words echo around me, and longing fills my chest. I gasp when it clenches with the pain of missing something or someone. She sounds broken, much like me. “Creed… come home. Find your way back to me.”