Page 39 of Falling

No. That wasn’t entirely the truth. And I’d handled it exactly the same way last time, and I was pretty sure I’d hurt someone I loved over it. I didn’t want to do that again. I needed advice.

And if I needed advice, I was going to have to ask for it.

“Do you mean sex?” Ryder asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because you’re also allowed to want that.”

“I think I mean, umm. Intimacy. That kind of… I’ve had sex and it’s not like them, and I know it’s a romance novel and it’s fantasy but some of it’s real, right? It can feel good to be with another person, can’t it? It’s not supposed to be weird and awkward and kind of gross?”

Ryder sipped his coffee, looking at me like he was weighing his answer carefully.

Another time I might have been insulted, but I could see it for the care it was with him. People had been so kind to me in Otter Bay. Every one of them had taken my feelings into account in every interaction.

I’d only known two other people like that in my whole life. Evie, and Joel.

“Without judging anyone, I do think you’re actually supposed to want to have any sex you’re having,” Ryder said. I watched his expression change as he figured out that I hadn’t felt that way. He might’ve pitied me, but that wasn’t it. What I saw in his face was understanding. “I mean, it is weird and awkward and kind of gross but at the time you’re supposed to be having too much fun to care.”

“Before Ward…” He paused, licking his lips. “Before Ward, I felt like… I don’t feel exactly like you, but sometimes… often… I just had sex with whoever would have me. Until I came back here and realized that I’d known my soulmate my entire life, I never really felt good about it. After, anyway. I was getting off but I was just getting off. Ward’s different. I mean, I’m kind of a weird case, people definitely have perfectly fulfilling casual sex all the time, I’m just… not one of them. We’ve got that in common.”

I nodded, feeling like I got what he was saying.

“He makes you feel safe?” I asked tentatively. That was what I’d taken from the book, which I was beginning to understand was such a thinly veiled retelling of real life that it might as well not have had the veil at all.

“He makes me feel a whole lot of things,” Ryder said, smiling at my shoulder like he was picturing Ward hovering just beyond it. “Safe is definitely one of them. And it’s important. Your someone makes you feel safe?”

“Always,” I said. My someone always made me feel safe. “And umm. Other things, too,” I admitted, ears burning.

Ryder’s smile broadened to a grin. “Well, first of all, I think you should tell them,” he said. “Because anyone in their right mind would jump at the chance.”

Now it was me raising an eyebrow.

“What? You’re cute. And interesting. Smart. Fun to hang out with. Librarians are kind of innately sexy, too.”

My eyebrow crept a little further up, but I took his point. I was aware of the concept of a sexy librarian.

I wasn’t convinced I was one of them, though.

“Doubt me all you want, but half of Otter Bay has a crush on you,” Ryder said. “Partly because you’re new, but mostly because of the whole package. You need to have some self-confidence.”

That made me laugh. “Maybe I should take up amateur theatre,” I joked.

Ryder’s eyes lit up. “You’re kidding, but it could be really good for you. Let me know if you ever wanna tag along with me. I meet up with a group once a week, they’d love you and you could have a lot of fun.”

“I will keep your generous offer in mind,” I said, fully intending never to mention it again if he didn’t. Acting? On stage? In front of all those people?

I was a librarian for a reason.

It was a generous offer, though.

And I wasn’t having vague cuddly dreams about Ryder, so I was capable of having normal feelings about my friends.

“Can I tell you something? Something I’ve never told anyone?”

“Best friends,” Ryder said, beaming at me and spreading his hands in invitation. “Tell me anything.”

“I have this friend. Or… had, maybe, I dunno. Anyway, my sister and my then-fiancée and a bunch of other people were together for New Years and you know how those parties go.”

Ryder grinned knowingly, eyes sparkling. The ones I’d been to probably looked tame in comparison to some of the ones he’d seen.

“And then the thing was… what happened was… none of us were entirely sober,” I said, which was technically true. I’d had maybe two beers over the whole course of the night. I wouldn’t have driven home.