Page 38 of Falling

“I think the word you want is demisexual,” Ryder said, both hands wrapped around his coffee. The coffee shop was busy enough before work, people coming in and out, but no one was paying attention to us.

Just as well, because there was no way I could’ve had this conversation if there was a chance of being overheard.

But I’d lost my chance to get an answer out of Booker, and also…

It wasn’t that I was avoiding him.

I was just. Choosing not to intentionally see him, right now.

For reasons.

“Yeah?” I asked. I felt like I ought to be taking notes.

“Well, that’s what my theatre kids tell me,” Ryder said. “I can introduce you, if you want. They know more about… basically everything than I do,” he added, with real pride in his voice. “But yeah. There’s a flag and everything. It’s uh. Part of the asexual spectrum, where the main thing is you don’t exactly experience sexual attraction to people on first impression? You have to know them.”

“That sounds normal to me,” I said, frowning. Wasn’t it?

No, wait. Joel didn’t feel that way. Neither did Evie. Had this been what I’d been missing the whole time? Was it just… a thing that was true for some people? More people than just me?

“Yes,” Ryder said. “Because that’s how you experience the world.”

He had a point. If I’d been colorblind, it would’ve been normal for me not to be able to tell red from green. But that didn’t mean no one could.

“Besides,” Ryder said. “There’s no normal. You know that. There’s just as many ways to be as there are people in the world. Some people who feel that particular way call themselves demisexual. You don’t have to, if you don’t want.”

Did I want?

“Can I think about it?” I asked.

Ryder chuckled. “Obviously. You can change your mind anytime. And personally, I’ll support you,” he said. “Booker would, too.”

Right. Booker.

I swallowed down a too-hot mouthful of coffee to clear the sudden lump from my throat.

Everything had been going so well.

“What if, umm. What if there was someone I knew, who I thought… who I maybe wanted to…”

Ryder raised an eyebrow.

“Someone you liked?”

I nodded helplessly.

“Hey,” Ryder said. “No pressure, but you can tell me. You’ve seen my soul,” he said, tapping the manuscript on the table between us. “We’re best friends, as far as I’m concerned.”

Despite everything, the thought of that made me smile. Two whole friends I’d made by myself. And a few other people who were like, friends-in-law? A kind of package deal.

“What if there was someone I thought maybe I wanted to kiss,” I said. “Or… do other things with? I mean like… like Warren and Ryan do, in your book. The things they think about with each other.”

I tried to pretend to myself that I wasn’t blushing to the roots of my hair as a flash of big, warm, solid body under me came back. A body that smelled like falling leaves and clean soap and a tiny bit of hot chocolate and which had made an incredible movie night pillow.

And which I’d dreamed about last night and now couldn’t face the owner of because I was afraid he’d just know, somehow, and it’d ruin everything between us.

I’d never had this problem before.

Well.