Page 166 of Disgrace

It had been flashing that for thirty minutes now. Her heart was so full—happiness, trepidation, and joy. A love so fierce, she could hardly breathe. Already, she loved this baby. A child she didn’t know, and would not see or hold for months. A child whose gender was still unknown, and whose name was yet to be picked.

And yet …

God, she loved this baby.

Still, the hesitance she felt was also very real.

Long ago, she and John had decided that children would be a very carefully planned event for them. When both of them were ready, and when everything was handled, then they would move forward together on having children.

This had not been planned at all.

Certainly not carefully.

A bout of a terrible chest cold that left Siena with a nasty infection, and led into pneumonia that she couldn’t shake caused her to miss an appointment for her shot. She had been stuck in bed, and then in the hospital for two weeks when the pneumonia got really bad.

John had barely left her side, of course.

Once she was better, her doctor recommended she wait until her cycle started at least once—as she hadn’t had a period in years since starting the shot—before they started the birth control again. They had been advised to use condoms as a backup method.

Yeah, well …

Her cycle never started. She and John didn’t know what a fucking condom was considering they hadn’t used them since the start of their relationship years ago.

They both knew better.

She knew better.

This was bound to happen.

Siena had promptly vomited every bit of the eggs and bacon mess John had left for her in the oven before he left for his morning jog. She had been keeping a pregnancy test hidden in her purse … just in case.

A part of her already knew.

Siena tapped the test against her palm again.

Pregnant, it flashed.

She was still trying to figure out a way to tell John and not surprise him, so to speak. She knew it was going to be practically fucking impossible. There could be no cute reveal that she secretly recorded, and then posted for the world to see. There could be no baby shoes in a gift box for him to open and be surprised.

None of that could happen.

She had to take away that element of shock so that this did not feel as though something John was not ready for in the first place.

Easier said than done.

Children had been his one sore topic for years. Not because he didn’t want to be a father, but because she knew he worried that he was going to pass on the same genetics that had been given to him. Whatever it was in his DNA that left him with a disorder that clouded and colored his life, thoughts, and emotional processing a little bit differently than everyone else.

It didn’t matter.

Children had always been non-negotiable for her. And she knew without a doubt that John would be the best father.

There was nothing wrong with him. There had never been anything wrong with him. Just like their children—nothing would ever be wrong with them, either. Regardless, they would be perfectly them. Little babies made by people who loved each other, and would love them.

They would have kids.

It was simply when.

Siena figured that time was now.