Page 39 of Garbage

But he wasn’t sure if he wanted Evan’s hand on his shoulder right now. And he didn’t want to be Evan’s buddy.

“Q, can we talk about this?”

Quincy wanted to say no, but he gave a jerky nod instead. “It’s okay that you don’t want me.” After all, why should he? “I mean, I shouldn’t have asked. I know I’m… I’m dirty. I collect garbage. I’m sorry.”

Evan’s arms came around his back, hugging him tightly. Evan’s knees nestled around his hips, and his shirt was soft against Quincy’s back, only a thin layer separating them. Evan’s arms around his chest made him want to feel more, to press into them. Why did Evan have to feel so good when his words hurt so much?

“Quincy,” Evan’s voice was in his ear. “That’s not it at all. You’re not dirty. In fact, you’re wonderful. You’re perfect. I’m honored that you want to explore that with me.”

Quincy sniffed. When Evan had been honored that he wanted to cook, it meant that Quincy could make him dinner. Apparently this honor wasn’t the same.

Another thought occurred to him, a little thought that spilled over until it was filling his memory capacity. The sneering guard at the depot. Maybe he’d been horribly right. “It’s because I don’t have a penis.” All the men in the videos had penises, and seemed to use them a lot. “I could get one, though.” He hadn’t thought he wanted one, but he hadn’t understood sex before, either. He could use one if Evan liked it.

Evan squeezed him tighter. “Oh, sweetheart. That has nothing to do with it either. Your anatomy has nothing to do with what makes you attractive.”

Somehow that made it even worse. Evan just didn’t want… him.

Evan’s hands smoothed down his arms. They felt so good on his skin. “Quincy, I said it might not be a good idea because right now you’re very dependent on me. You haven’t met very many people aside from me, and I don’t want you to be in a position where you can’t make informed choices.”

“I can make informed choices,” Quincy snapped back. “Isn’t that the whole point of being a spark?”

“Yes, but you might think that you’re attracted to me because I’m the only person you know well, then realize later that you have very different preferences. I also don’t want you to feel like you have to have a sexual relationship with me to continue having a place to live or access to other things that you need.”

Something was building up inside Quincy. A new pressure, ready to explode. He was pretty sure he knew this one. Anger. No. Fury.

“I never would have thought that.” Evan had never asked a thing of him in return, even when he probably should have. “And you keep saying I have all the characteristics of sentience, so why do you think I don’t know my own mind?”

He loved Evan. He adored Evan. Evan who’d stood up for him. Evan who cooked with him and bought him makeup before he even knew he wanted it. Evan who cuddled with him on the couch and kept him safe from internet trolls.

Plus, Quincy had met other people. Salesclerks. Bus riders. Fellow hikers. The tailor. Evan’s friends at the bar. Ben. Mo.

The one he wanted was Evan.

Protocols revved up, pushing power into his hands and shoulders while his pistons raced. He wanted to do something, but he didn’t know what. Punch something? Hide in a corner? Beg?

Why didn’t Evan believe him?

Evan gave his shoulders one more squeeze. “I’m not saying that, Quincy. I’m just saying that we should both think about it. And… I’ll be honest, and say that I’m protecting myself, too. I would… I would be devastated if we started something between the two of us and then you lost interest. I don’t want to be your experiment.”

Quincy whipped around. Really?

Evan would be devastated if he lost interest? But that meant… Was he understanding it correctly?

That changed everything.

Evan blinked a few times, then pushed to his feet. “I think we both need a little break right now.”

Quincy didn’t want a break. He wanted Evan touching him again. He wanted Evan in his arms. Or on the bed, hands tied over his head.

But Quincy’s emotions were already zinging out of control. He’d been on a rollercoaster all evening. He reached toward Evan with his hoses, coiling one around Evan’s wrist before he even knew he was doing it.

Evan stood in the doorway, looking delicious with some happy/sad expression that Quincy couldn’t interpret. Gently, he pushed the loop off his hand. “Q, I need you to take a break.” Then he walked away.

Quincy howled inside, meaningless noise pumping through his internal speakers. Code dropped and fragmented, and his tangled-up anger and elation started to creep into fear.

Maybe he did need a break.

He wasn’t quite sure how to do that, but he leaned forward until his head rested on Evan’s bed. It smelled like Evan, and even that made him feel a little bit better. A little more relaxed.