Page 9 of Love Lessons

You could see that?

I’m asexual, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see it. I’m not aromantic.

Wait, what? That was new, and there wasn’t much that he didn’t know about Zhong. Dustin made a mental note to come back to the whole aro thing when he wasn’t so worried about his own identity.

So they… you think it’s real?

Zhong nodded, still thoughtful. I think that was about as real as it gets. Further, I think that you can find a relationship like that. With someone who wants that. You could make them very happy.

Let’s not talk about this again. He liked the idea of it, but following through, actually doing something like that still felt a bit too raw and uncomfortable.

Memory churned his gut. The surprising smack of pain in his own hand as it landed on Alan’s ass. The beautiful tears in Alan’s crystal green eyes, which he thought Alan wanted since he’d checked in several times. Dustin’s own euphoria, that strong sense of love and pride and ownership. Then his growing horror when he realized that Alan wasn’t aroused, and he wasn’t playing. He was crying in pain and betrayal, and all because Dustin had heard his sobs, but hadn’t understood his words without being able to see his lips. Alan had been asking him to stop, but he’d kept going until Alan had managed to roll himself off the bed, kicking him in the process.

Dustin had deserved so much worse.

He forcefully pushed the memories away. Alan had been cold to him for a week, but that was nothing new in their relationship. Dustin had chased after him, helplessly and hopelessly, trying to comfort him and take care of him.

Until Alan sat him down and explained that it wasn’t working between them, and that Dustin needed to find someone who wanted to be submissive so that he could be Dominant. Though Dustin doubted even that was possible if he couldn’t be responsible enough to stop when the person he was hurting said he’d had enough.

The conversation was painful, and he’d spent months in self-recrimination after Alan left. But it had also opened a door that he hadn’t quite realized existed. If only he had the courage to walk through it.

He’d clearly heard of BDSM--he hadn’t been living under a rock--but it hadn’t occurred to him that those little letters meant something about him. Since then, he’d been… well, mostly living under a rock.

But a well-equipped rock with lots of questionably realistic porn.

Zhong waved his hand at the screen until Dustin looked up. So you don’t want to hear about how there’s a BDSM gathering this weekend that apparently has some Deaf participants?

Did he? God, he had no idea. He’d only just started to accept that this might be what he wanted, and that it might possibly be OK. Meeting people who were in “the lifestyle,” as he had read that it was called, seemed like a bit too much.

It’s a munch, Zhong fingerspelled the odd word. It’s just a bunch of people who like kinky things eating brunch together at a restaurant and talking. You can ask questions and figure out that all of this is perfectly healthy.

Not like you would know, Dustin shot back and regretted it instantly. He wasn’t trying to be mean, he was just feeling defensive.

Zhong looked pissed. Hey! Being asexual is just as healthy as being kinky. And some people are both.

God, I’m so sorry. I totally didn’t mean it that way. I meant not kinky. I just… what if I try something and I mess it up?

Zhong gave him a patient look, one that he knew would lead to endless repetitions in that same, calm manner until he finally got something through his head. It was usually easiest to just give in at the beginning. This is why you’re going to the munch on Saturday. So you can learn, and you won’t mess things up. Starting by finding a partner who’s kinky too, which is the actual reason it didn’t work with Alan, not your morals or your disability.

Dustin sighed. He knew that Zhong was right, even if it didn’t feel that way. He hated being frightened of his own shadow like this. He wasn’t usually one to hide from his fears. So… he was going to the munch on Saturday. If he didn’t, Zhong would be after him to go every month until he caved.

We’ll see, he answered instead. He still wanted to have the option of backing out, and Zhong would hold him to his promises. Zhong smiled anyway, though, knowing he had already won.

For now, he needed to change the subject before Zhong got any more ideas. And he was curious, too. So, you want to tell me more about how you’ve suddenly decided you’re romantic?

Zhong made a distressed face. I mean, I’m not even sure that I am.

Dustin waited patiently. Zhong was usually clear and efficient in communicating his thoughts, but when he was puzzling something out, he could drift for a while before talking. Dustin had gotten pretty used to it. After a minute or so, he gave an encouraging nod in case it would help.

I just… at first, I just thought I was lonely. I had you for so long. And Sarah was a great roommate. I mean, I still talk to her on Skype all the time.

Dustin immediately felt guilty. He knew that Zhong needed a lot more physical contact than he could easily get without an understanding roommate, but both he and Sarah had moved on when they got serious about the people they were dating.

Do you want to move in with me? I have plenty of space. I like having you around. He didn’t even have to think before making the offer.

Zhong’s face lit up. You’d really do that?

Of course. Is that what you want?