Page 73 of Love Lessons
Tighter and tighter, offering safety and peace. Long after anyone else would have let him go. There it was again, that cuddling thing. Why the fuck could everyone else do it and not Landon?
And that was when he broke, sobbing wildly into their arms. Ash just held him, stroking up and down his back with their gentle artist’s hands.
He didn’t know how long they stood like that, on the edge of the parking lot to the sound of cars whooshing by behind him.
Finally, he seemed to be out of tears, though his devastation was bottomless. Ash grabbed his hand and started pulling him somewhere. He followed, lacking any initiative of his own. Oh, back into the diner. That made sense.
Ash pulled them into a booth and ordered something, but Landon wasn’t paying attention until they started pouring something from two mugs into a third.
It’s like a mocha. They thrust it toward Landon.
He watched Ash combine the other two half-cups into a mug and finally figured it out. Hot chocolate and coffee. Like a mocha. It wasn’t until he was cradling the mug in his hands that he realized how cold his fingers had gotten outside.
He took a sip. He disliked sweets and the coffee was kind of terrible here, but the way that Ash had made it for him warmed him inside. He decided to smell it instead.
What happened?
God. He didn’t even know where to start. I’m having subdrop today.
Ash's eyes got wider than Landon realized was possible. Holy fuck, Landon. Drink your hot chocolate, they urged.
Landon quirked his head to the side.
It works. Like with dementors.
It took Landon a minute to figure it out. Oh, like in Harry Potter.
Yep, that’s totally what subdrop is like. You need chocolate. Want me to get you some cake or something?
Landon found a smile fighting through the fog of depression. Ash was really sweet for staying with him. No, thank you. I don’t like desserts that much.
Ash looked skeptical. Maybe some fries? That might be almost as good.
Maybe I’ll order some food the next time someone comes by.
Landon took a sip of his horrible “mocha.” He was still feeling wretched, but he was grateful for Ash’s calm presence. It was nice to feel like someone was there for him when everything seemed so irreparable.
Ash took another sip then set down their cup. Did Dustin know about the subdrop? I mean, I assume he’s the cause.
Landon shook his head, the stupidity of his actions only now starting to seep in. I usually deal with it on my own, you know. Go through my day and wait for it to be over.
So you… didn’t want him to help you with it?
I just wanted… I wanted some time to figure things out, I think. And he’d apparently dealt with it the stupidest way possible.
Will you share them with me? I’m happy to listen.
And so he did. From slamming into Dustin outside the door three months ago to the explosion in the parking lot. It was like their whole relationship had happened in just twenty feet of industrialized, anonymous space. Now that it was over, there was nothing to show for it.
He was tempted to leave things out, to gloss over his stupidities and insecurities. To downplay how liberating it felt to be playfully bratty with Dustin in the kitchen and how deeply he felt Dustin’s care last night. Not to mention how much he looked forward to Dustin’s texts every day, all of the inspiring words and little check-ins about what was going on in his day.
But Ash was a good listener, and not only did they know where Landon was coming from, but they withheld judgment.
So Landon found himself spilling everything in turbulent waves and overlapping stories. He even ate an omelet, surprised by his own hunger, but things felt a bit more manageable with Ash there.
When he was done, he realized what a relief it was to leave that whole knotted tangle of emotions and moments on the scratched Formica table for Ash to sort through. He felt empty inside now, not heavy or light, just empty, like a vessel that hadn’t been filled.
Do you know what you want to do about it? Like, are you ready to move on or do you want to talk with him?
