Page 16 of Love Lessons

It wasn’t like Landon lacked for play partners. There seemed to be an endless supply, and he was happy to try just about anything.

But there was something about Dustin’s coiled intensity. His sharp gaze, the tightness of his posture as he leaned forward, as if perpetually ready to attack. He’d followed Landon with his gaze all day, staring longer than most men would.

Landon slipped a soapy hand between his legs, letting his imagination run free.

From the first moment in the doorway, Dustin had devoured Landon with his eyes. When he’d traced down Landon’s collar bone with his gaze, he’d almost felt it as a physical touch.

It was only later, when they entered the restaurant, that he seemed to reel himself in and act civilized.

Landon didn’t want civilized.

He moved his hand faster.

When they were talking, later, Landon had enjoyed brushing up against him and watching his muscles clench and his breath draw in in response. He’d even flirted a little harder with some of his other friends just to see Dustin’s eyes flare.

Landon loved playing cat and mouse, and he was hoping the cat would catch him soon. Maybe today at the munch.

Which, he realized abruptly, he was now going to be truly late for. He quickly washed his hair and then added conditioner. It needed to sink in for a few minutes, so maybe he could just…

He brought his slippery hand back down to his cock, imagining Dustin standing over him, an expertly wielded flogger in his hand. Not that Dustin was ready for that now, and might never be, but it was Landon’s fantasy and he could imagine whatever he wanted.

He jerked himself, feeling the flash of deep, press of the flogger as it bit into his shoulders. He cried out, breath heavy.

Dustin’s face floated into his vision, stern and commanding. Come, he signed.

Landon let himself float away.

Getting ready for the munch after that wasn’t nearly as much fun. Landon looked longingly at the new dress he’d been planning to wear. It was red and exposed most of his shoulders, clingy at the top and then flaring out in a sensual flow at his hips. He loved how it felt swirling around his thighs.

He needed a Lena day. He’d been planning a Lena day, since he hadn’t had one for a while. Lena was just as much a part of him as Landon, and he hated that he had to schedule his gender presentation instead of just going with the flow.

Munches were one of the few places where he could fully be himself, showing up with whatever gender he felt like that morning and expecting people to make the switch with him. If someone new had issues with it, he could count on other group members to fill them in, so he didn’t have to deal with the exhaustion of explaining it. The munch had more straight people than queer, but there were enough queer, trans, and genderqueer folks that he felt at home.

He dreamed of coming out at work, but honestly… twelve-year-olds? They could barely handle their own bodies and identities, let alone his. His principal, for all that she still hadn’t gotten back to him about progress on keeping the ASL program, would probably be more or less fine with it.

There were definitely a few gay and lesbian teachers at his school who were out, and he admired them for being role models to the kids. It was more that explaining himself all the time was annoying, and he’d really rather be talking about photosynthesis or the Pythagorean theorem. Or even talking with his students about their own lives and choices, which was a lot more important to him than his own identity.

And, to be honest, it was always a little bit scary being overtly feminine with a male-shaped body. People who were read as female could wear suits and ties and look like business professionals. When people who were read as male wore dresses, they were still mistreated too often for him to feel completely safe. So, he didn’t venture out as Lena unless he already knew the people and spaces that he’d be in.

Between Escape, his queer teacher’s group, hanging out with his sister, and the munch, though, he felt like he had a lot of freedom on the evenings and weekends.

He didn’t necessarily have a lot of time, though, and Lena’s clothing took time.

A little part of him also worried that Dustin wouldn’t be interested in him when he presented as a woman. He wasn’t looking for any sort of relationship with Dustin, but he’d hate to lose the opportunity before he even got a taste. So maybe going as Landon was better anyway.

He pulled a navy blue Henley out of his drawer and dragged it over his head.

Then he started berating himself. He’d sworn, after high school, that he wasn’t going to let anyone dictate his gender presentation. He’d made peace with being Landon at work. But no one else, not his parents, not his siblings, not his friends, and especially not a hook-up would ever force him into being someone who he didn’t want to be.

He had worked too hard to be who he was. He’d survived years of bullying as a child, as the weird, Deaf, sissy boy. Later, when he’d figured out more about who he was, he’d lost friends when he refused to “make up his mind” and “only do that where no one can see you.” And he’d still spent years fighting his own inner demons, which were sometimes worse than the ones outside.

He was thriving now. He loved his community, and he loved who he was. He was confident, courageous, and comfortable in his own body.

He stroked the dress again, letting the soft material ripple over his hand. Maybe he should wear it anyway.

He glanced at the clock. Dammit. Hair and makeup took a lot more time. Plus, he’d totally skipped shaving his legs because he’d been too distracted in the shower.

OK, boring and masculine it was. Not that he minded masculine. He kind of liked it now that he had a choice. It could be fun to bro it up sometimes. It just wasn’t what he’d wanted for today.