Page 15 of Split You Open

I squeeze my eyes shut as pain washes over me. It’s not physical, it’s internal as my heart shudders and cracks under the weight of Ledger’s betrayal. I’m going to have to deal with this. If I don’t let out all these feelings, they’ll consume me. But I can’t do it now. If I start, I don’t know when I’ll stop.

“Hey, look…” Rhett lets out a heavy sigh. “I don’t mean to be a dick. I’m just saying⁠—”

“I know, I get it,” I interrupt. My eyes squeeze tighter. “The thing is, Ledger was my hero growing up. He would swoop in during harder missions to be there for me and Dad. Yeah, he could’ve done more but I wasn’t his kid, Rhett. I was just happy he showed up. He made me laugh, he had my back, and he’d talk about the world—giving me an insight to a life I wasn’t privy to. Ledger inspired awe. I’ve always looked up to him. I…”

My throat squeezes shut, cutting off the rest of what I need to say.

Just get it off your chest, I urge.

Reaching up, I press the heels of my palms into my eyes. Shame causes me to drop my head, but I force myself to admit, “I love Ledger, Rhett. Or I did. Now I feel like an idiot. Looking back on my life and his involvement in it, I think I might’ve had rose-colored glasses on.”

I don’t look up at Rhett. I’m not sure if I can handle the disgust or contempt I’m sure to see on his face.

While it’s silent, I begin to box away the shame and heartache. After a few minutes, I manage to regain some self-control. With a sigh, I drop my hands away from my face, open my eyes and force myself to get to my feet.

“We should go,” I tell Rhett, still unable to look at him. “If we can⁠—”

“No,” he snaps. “Don’t fucking do that. Not with me, Blair.”

I look up to find him glaring at me. There’s pink in his cheeks as his whole body trembles. Is he angry at me?

“Do what?”

He waves his hand up and down my body. “This!”

“I don’t know what you’re⁠—”

“You’ve turned yourself off, Blair!” he says with frustration. “It’s weird as fuck seeing you like this. It’s like you’re not human.”

I flinch. Not human? That’s what I used to tell Dad when we prepared for the next job. He stopped talking, stopped feeling. He became detached and calculating. Everything he did was purposeful—never wasting energy on frivolous things like emotions. He became a weapon in every sense of the word.

I left that life because I didn’t want to become like him or be like that.

Looks like I’ve failed.

Rhett sighs again, this time in frustration. “Look, that came out wrong. I’m just saying you don’t have to hide whatever you’re feeling. I’m the last person who’d say anything if you fell apart right now. Just don’t… don’t do this.”

Swallowing hard, I nod. “Right… I’ll, ah, work on it.”

I start to step around him, but Rhett grabs my wrist, halting me.

“Is it me?”

“Is what you?”

“This!” Rhett presses with exasperation. “You’re hiding your emotions. I want to know if it’s because you don’t think I can handle them. You saw me in a weak moment and now you think that I can’t… that I can’t handle shit.”

I’m taken aback by his response. It’s not something I even considered.

“What? No!” I shake my head and step closer to him. “Rhett, that’s not it at all.”

“But I⁠—”

I step so close to him that our chests nearly touch, startling him into silence. Rhett’s jaw tenses and his nostrils flare as I reach my hand up to cup his face. I take that as a sign to not touch him so I drop my hands. But I don’t step back. I want him to hear me when I say this.

“Rhett, everyone needs help from time to time,” I tell him solemnly. “You’ve been carrying such a heavy burden for so long that the weight simply caught up to you. I’m just happy that I was there to help lighten the load. I don’t see you as weak. I see you as brave. You’re here, still facing the world despite the shit that’s been thrown at you. That’s incredible. You’re incredible.”

The tension bracketing his mouth fades and the sharp edges of his narrow face seem to soften as he relaxes. Rhett’s so handsome like this—unguarded and unburdened with whatever thoughts plague him.