Page 67 of Lessons in Lemonade

She takes a sip of her coffee, eyeing me over the rim. “And you’re sure this is what you want?” she asks, lowering the glass.

I want to say no, but reality forces me to say, “Yes.”

Her eyes get sad as she studies me. I know she’s not going to share any more of her opinions with me, and we both know I don’t want to hear them. This is for the best, it is, and the reasons for my promises come flashing back bright and clear.

Pulling my shoulders back, I raise my head higher than it has been in days. With a renewed sense of purpose, I say the things I need to say.

“I am grateful for the time we spent together. How could I not be?” I give her a small smile, hoping to reassure her that everything is going to be okay. “But in the end, he’ll realize I’m right, and I know he’ll think just as fondly of me as I do of him. Soon enough, we’ll go back to being friends again, just like we were meant to be.”

Pushing the chair back, I put a lock around my heart. I should have done this the day he left. It will only hurt if I allow it to, and I refuse to feel sad over losing him when I am happy I got to have him in the first place. There’s always a silver lining, right? I must be positive about this, because if I’m not, then what am I?

Southern Macaroni and Cheese

IF MARCH IS my favorite month, I’ve now decided April most definitely is not. It doesn’t matter how pleasant the sun is, how green the trees are, or how colorful the azalea bushes seem to be. What I will forever associate this month with is that the first girl I ever said ‘I love you’ to didn’t say it back, and that my team drafted a wide receiver in the second round last night. If that’s not telling of the future, I don’t know what is.

Instead of heading home, I drove straight to Bryan’s unannounced to pick up Zeus. She may not want to love me, but I know he does, and right then I just needed someone to. After being climbed on and kissed for a solid fifteen minutes, the clutching of my heart eased a bit.

Of course Bryan and Lexi didn’t say anything; they knew well enough by the look on my face that I didn’t want to be messed with. Instead, Lexi led me into the kitchen, where she served me a piece of strawberry pie, and then she showed me the downstairs guest bedroom. This is where I’ve stayed. I know I should go home—it’s been almost a week and it’s time—but maybe in another day or two.

Bryan left yesterday afternoon for the team’s draft party. He encouraged me to leave Zeus with Lexi and come with him, but I wasn’t feeling up to it. What man wants to come face-to-face with his replacement, especially if he’s not ready to retire? I know it’s not certain I am retiring, but I still have a ways to go before we will know for sure. Whether or not I’ll be coming back to a starting position is an entirely different scenario.

“Look at how sweet this picture is,” Lexi says, coming out through the sliding glass door and handing me her phone. It’s Zeus and me just sitting, staring out at their property, with my arm wrapped around his back. It is a great photo, and after I forward it to myself, I put it up as a post with the caption: A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. #truth

It isn’t meant to be a jab in her direction, but maybe it is. I know she’ll see it, and I want her to know I’m not alone—unlike her. She has no one and nothing that keeps her company, except for her restaurant, but that’s a business, and at the end of the day, you leave it. I hate that I’m angry and hurt, but knowing she’s not going to be in my future, I now feel like I’m in another transition for my life, which adds to my overall frustration.

What a freaking mess this is.

What a mess I am.

Letting out a sigh, I stare out at the treehouse Bryan, Lexi, and her brother James grew up in. It’s crazy to me that it’s lasted all these years, but it looks maintained and seems to have recently received a fresh coat of paint. I didn’t grow up with things like this in my childhood. Maybe it’s why I seek out adventures—because I was denied them for so long—and right this second I’m kicking myself because I think maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I believed Meg and I were going to have a life together where there were treehouses and children.

Could I sound any more pathetic?

I’m thinking I even hate myself right now.

Sitting down next to me, Lexi hands me a glass of sweet tea, places a plate of cornbread between us, and lets us sit there in silence.

Lexi is a great girl. Bryan should count his lucky stars that he finally pulled his head out of his ass long enough to go get the girl. There isn’t anyone out there who I think could put up with him better than her. She gets him, and on a whole different level than most people. I thought Meg got me, too, but I guess not.

There I go again, sounding sorry for myself.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard to leave her as I thought it would be. A man can only take being shot down so many times, and no one wants to be where they aren’t really wanted. I don’t actually think she didn’t want me there, she just didn’t want me the way I wanted her, and that wasn’t going to change. So, after making the hard decision to pack up that last day, despite being slowed down with this injury, it didn’t take me long to move around the house and collect the few things that were mine. I hadn’t been a slob in her home, but it was things like my watch charger in the kitchen, my flip-flops outside the back door, that kind of stuff.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” Lexi asks, breaking me from my thoughts.

I know Meg texted her once, asking if I had picked up Zeus, and Lexi told her I was here, said they would talk at another time. I know she is her friend, and quite frankly that’s where her loyalty should be, but I appreciate her letting things lie while I’m here. They can gossip about me all they want after I leave.

“What’s there to tell you? It’s just not meant to be.” I briefly think back to Meg’s face when she saw that my room had been emptied. Shock and a little bit of panic had set in, and was it impulsive for me to leave right then, yes, but for me, sometimes when it’s fight or flight, flight is the best option. I like choices, and I wasn’t her choice, so where did that leave me? I was stuck; I had to go.

“What makes you say that?” she asks.

My brows pull down and I glance over at her like she’s crazy. “Uh, maybe because she’s told me so repeatedly since day one last summer.” I’ve always appreciated being heard, by my teammates, my parents, my friends; I should have done a better job listening to her, or at least taken her more seriously. She told me.

Lexi smiles at me like she knows something I don’t, and it throws me off. Between her and Bryan, he’s been more vocal about how much this situation sucks. He’s the perfect kind of friend, one who will stand behind you and will also push you when needed. I’m glad he hasn’t pushed this week. I’ve needed time to process.

“I don’t think you should give up on her yet.” She turns her head away from me and takes a bite of her cornbread.

“You can’t give up on something you never had.” Intrigued, I snag a square for me. Usually I think cornbread is dry, but when I take a bite, this one is moist and delicious.