Page 60 of Deadfall

“Fuck you,” I stammered. My voice was weak and it cracked. I tried again. “Fuck. You!” I ground out through a tightened jaw that threatened to crack my teeth with the pressure.

Mahoney chuckled. “Again.”

“No!” I thrashed against the chain and slipped in my own blood. “I’m going to fucking kill you! I’m going to fucking kill you!”

I screamed the words, over and over and over again, as the man in the lab coat advanced. I hardly felt the prick this time, too consumed by my emotions to notice the external pain. I latched onto Mahoney’s eyes and refused to look away as it dragged me under into the darkness of my past.

I felt a soft touch on my shoulder and I froze.

“Hi, baby.”

My heart lurched—that voice and soft touch was too much. I slowly turned around, terrified to see who I knew would be behind me.

Mom. I barely saw her before cries ripped from me.

“No, no, no—no, this isn’t real!” I cried desperately.

The scent of vanilla enveloped me, and the arms I thought I’d never feel again wrapped around me. I resisted—this wasn’t real and that truth hurt worse than my physical pain. But, it felt real and I was tired of fighting. My hands fisted her clothes as I buried my face into her shoulder, and sobs tore out of me in a way they hadn’t in years.

“I tried,” I choked. “I tried to be what you needed—I tried to be—”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she murmured. “You were never supposed to carry all of this.”

But, I did. I had. I was.

It didn’t matter though because the damage was done. This was who I was—a survivor. A killer. Someone who’d spent nearly her whole life in the shadows, while she drowned in her guilt and tried to figure out how to kill her demons.

“I shouldn’t have run,” I gasped. “I should have done something!”

I’d never realized I’d felt such guilt for that until now.

“That was never your job.” Her arms tightened. “You were a child. You did what you needed to do, and became who you needed to become to survive.”

“I don’t know how to be anyone else,” I said, my words muffled into her shoulder.

“One day you will,” she said with that quiet reassurance and firm belief.

I pulled back to look at her face. “Are you disappointed in me?”

Her warm hands cupped both sides of my face. I nearly collapsed at the love and warmth in her eyes.

“Never, my darling girl.”

The ground shook as the grief swept over me like a tidal wave. I frantically grabbed for her, but the image of my mother wavered, and then dissolved. The darkness pressed in on all sides again—swirling with demons and monsters I thought I’d had control over. That was a lie. A big fat lie. I didn’t have control over anything. I was so tired. I was so tired of being manipulated. I was so tired of being strong.

I was so…

“Em.”

I didn’t want to look. I squeezed my eyes shut because oh god, no…not that voice. The rage ceased to exist like I’d just been doused in cold water. I whirled around and there, standing a few steps away, was my twin. My other half. The other piece of my heart I’d been missing.

Cole.

Something inside me unraveled completely and I crossed the distance without thought. My hands grabbed him, even though I half expected him to disappear like the ghost he was. But, he didn’t. I hauled him into my arms.

“You’re not real.” My breath came in short gasps as I clung to him. “You’re not—this isn’t—”

His arms went around me and he chuckled softly. The sound bled through my skin and settled in my veins.