Page 8 of Last Rites

“The problem is you can’t see reason!” The words erupted out of me, and I took a moment to lower my voice before I went on. “You’re right. I’m not alone here anymore, because now I have the resistance. You could have taken the out Merrick gave you and stayed in Eastcliff and watched over your family while we finished things here. Chosen your own safety for once instead of running headfirst into danger.”

Penny scoffed. “You’re one to complain about running into danger. That’s your response to everything.” He must have felt another cough coming on, because he paused to take a steadying breath before continuing. “And you’re saying you’re okay with risking our friends’ safety? That you have no problem with?”

“They’re not you,” I admitted.

Penny’s gaze bored into me. For a moment he seemed to relax, and I thought he understood. Then his shoulders drooped, too.

“Would you rather be alone? Because sometimes you act like it. If-if I’m in the way, tell me and I’ll go.” He swallowed hard. “But don’t bother coming back to Eastcliff if you send me away again. I won’t be there.”

My realization in Willowvale had been right: Penny took my leaving as a reflection of his own worth—or lack of it—instead of as my desperate bid to protect the one thing I couldn’t afford to lose. It opened the door to doubt, of which he had an abundance already. About himself. About me.

This time, when I stepped forward, Penny let me catch his arm, though he was tense and wary. Watching me like I was a predator and he was cornered prey. I almost pulled back to give him space, but now that I had the connection, I wasn’t willing to let it break again.

“Penny, you are the one person that I can’t live without. Damn everyone else if it keeps you safe, because no matter how much I care about our friends, I can go on without them.” I slid my hand down to catch Penny’s fingers, but they remained limp between my own, not returning my desperate grip. “The only thing I want when this is all over is to be with you. To marry you and be a family and live out the rest of our days. That requires you to be alive at the end of things, and Merrick has almost killed you once.”

He yanked his hand free and kept it out of reach when I tried to catch it again. “He almost killed you, too. So, you’re allowed to risk your life, but I’m not allowed to do the same?”

There wasn’t much distance between us, but Penny closed what was left and stood so we were eye to eye. I withered under his scrutiny. He may have been a few inches shorter, but he seemed to loom over me now.

“I’m your intended, Kit, not a child. We started this together, and we’ll end it together. We’ve always been safer together than we are apart.” He took another steadying breath. “You told me once that we were partners, but not equals. I put up with it for a while because I thought you were right, and that you could handle this better than I could. That I really wasn’t strong or brave enough. But I am, Kit. You helped me see that. You told me as much. Now I need you to believe it.”

His hand slid into mine, and he squeezed like he needed to be sure I was paying attention.

“From here on out, we’re equals or we’re nothing,” he said. “The choice is yours.”

Despite the now-roaring fire, a chill swept across my skin. I’d considered that, hadn’t I? Living without Penny if that was what it took to keep him alive? But faced with the very real possibility, it hurt more than the hypothetical. Watching Penny walk out that door and knowing he would never return would ruin me. Worse was knowing that this was exactly how I made him feel when he woke up to find me gone.

“Equals,” I forced past the tightness in my throat. “We’re equals. And I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like less than that. I’m sorry I made you feel like a burden or an obligation because you’re neither of those things.” I squeezed his hand back, hoping he believed me. He had every right not to after what I put him through. “You’re the only good thing I’ve ever had, and I’m sorry I held on too tight. I wanted to protect, not stifle. I’ll do better.”

I had to, because there were no other options. Not if I wanted to keep him.

Penny’s eyes searched my face and, this time, he must have found what he was looking for, because he let out a long breath.

“Okay. Good.” He nodded. “You should get a bath. I’ll take the horse back to Thoma and make us something to eat, and then you’re going to bed. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

I glanced down the hall toward our bedroom and wondered if I would be welcome there anymore. If I’d have to earn my way back there like I had to win back his trust.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” I mumbled.

He crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re not sleeping on the couch. You’ll sleep in bed where you belong.”

Emotion clogged my throat as he stepped in and slid his hands around to cup the nape of my neck. My ragged breaths were loud in the silence, and I sagged into his touch. He tilted his head up to touch the softest of kisses to my forehead.

“I’ll make this right,” I promised. “I’ll make it up to you.”

However long it took, whatever I had to do, I would find a way.

4

Penny

My anger came and went. It was most potent when Kit wasn’t in the room. While I was hanging washing on the line, or working over the stove, and he was tending the fire or tending to other parts of the house. The times we were face to face, at the table over dinner or stumbling into each other amid our separate tasks, I admired him like I always had, studying his face and the way his hands were so strong and steady when clasped in mine.

That first night reunited, I had no willpower at all. I nuzzled into him, sniffing his hair and inhaling the scent of his soap that I’d missed so much. We fell asleep with my arms tucked around him, and I woke to comfort him out of the nightmares that plagued his sleep till morning.

I was no good at holding grudges, but I almost felt like Kit would respect me more if I respected myself enough to see his apology through.

So, I’d left a bit of space between us on the couch that next afternoon, busying myself with my sketchbook while he tossed a knotted piece of string for the kittens to chase.