Page 58 of Open Net

I looked up and realized that she had stopped chopping vegetables and was watching me.

“Why would I do that?”

She raised an eyebrow. “I saw how hard it was for you. She can handle things. Madi is helping her and I’m sure the girls from the Pride will pitch in if needed.”

“Mom, I’m fine.”

She picked up the cutting board and slid the lettuce into a bowl. “Emma, you’re not fooling anyone. The other girls are willing to let you process and let you pretend things are okay, but you don’t have to do that with me. You don’t need to do it with them. You don’t have to hold it together for us.”

My chest tightened. She saw right through me.

She could see what I was going through. Olli hadn’t. The girls didn’t bring it up.

“Mom.” My voice cracked and I gazed at Jackson who was now asleep.

“Oh honey.” She hurried to me and sat down beside me.

“Mom, it’s so hard.”

She put her arm around my shoulder and gently pulled me toward her. “I know sweetie, but it’s so worth it.”

I shook my head. “No mom. I mean it’s too much. I can’t do this.”

She sat up, forcing me to turn to her. “What do you mean?”

The concern in her eyes was all I needed to pour out everything I’d been bottling inside. Someone was finally seeing me. Seeing the pain I was holding onto.

“I haven't said anything to anyone.” I paused but she waited, not even blinking. “I mentioned how tired and overwhelmed I was to the doctor, but he said it was just baby blues. I’d be fine.”

Her hands found mine and squeezed.

“It’s not going away, Mom. It’s been better since you’ve been here, but it hasn’t gone away. I can’t handle this.”

She nodded once. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

I debated just skimming the surface. I was scared of what she would think of me, but if I couldn’t talk about this with my mom then I had no one. “I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“Why would you think that?”

I stared down at my sleeping baby. “I...I don’t feel love.”

I was stumbling over my words and I knew I was probably confusing her.

“What do you mean, Emma?”

“Since the first time I saw him, I haven’t felt love. Or much of anything. I go through the motions of feeding him, changing him and bathing him but it’s because I know I have to. I feel obligated. I know it’s my responsibility to keep him safe and happy, but…” I trailed off hoping it was enough. Hoping she could fill in the blanks.

“What else?”

She wasn’t screaming or calling me a monster. That was a relief, but I just wanted her to understand. I hated saying these things out loud.

“When he cries, it doesn’t pain me. Like I’ve heard other moms talk about how it breaks their heart and they just want to make their baby happy again. I don’t. I just know that means he needs something. Mom, I don’t feel connected to him at all.” I blinked away the tears that were accumulating. “I didn’t have this moment where I just knew he was a part of me and felt all this love.”

Mom nodded. “What else? How do you feel now?”

I let out a sigh. “I’m so exhausted all the time. It’s been better with you here, but I just...I feel numb.”

“Not like yourself?”