Page 26 of Open Net

I smiled. “That wouldn’t be a problem with him.”

“I’m going to break the news to him, do you want to come in with me?”

I shook my head. “I’m going to need a moment.” I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on Olli’s face when he found out. I should be in there supporting him, but I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle anything else.

His eyes bore into mine with understanding. “I’ll come and get you afterwards.”

“Thanks.”

He disappeared into the room while I fell back against the wall.

What was wrong with me? I banged my head against the wall. I was barely managing to get through the day as it is. Now I would have to help Olli through his recovery while I’m still recovering. Plus, we have a newborn.

I couldn't do this.

I wanted to run. I wanted to get in my car and drive. I don’t know where I’d go, but I felt this pull to get far away.

The burning behind my eyes warned me the waterworks were coming. Why couldn’t I handle life anymore? I’d never felt so overwhelmed. I was a doer. I took action and got things done. But now…

Now I was weak. I’d rather run than be there for my husband.

And my baby.

Why did I keep forgetting about him?

It was like I knew he existed, but he still didn’t feel like mine.

Olli would hate me if he knew that’s how I felt. Jackson was the center of his universe. He spent every second he could with the baby. I, on the other hand, left him with Kendall without a second thought. I always let other people hold him, change him, even feed him now that I was pumping.

I checked to make sure Jackson wasn’t hungry and that he was clean and warm, but that was all I could handle. My brain knew I was in charge of his survival, but my heart wasn’t making the connection. I felt nothing when I held him. I didn’t feel much of anything lately. Just exhaustion.

The door swung open and the doctor waved me in. “I think he would like to see you.”

I went through the motions of getting Olli out of the hospital and back home. Judging by the number of cars in our driveway, I figured most of the team was waiting for us. I parked and looked over at him. “Are you ready for this? Do you want me to ask them to leave?”

He turned to me with a gentle smile. “I don’t mind but if you want them to go, I’ll make it happen.”

I appreciated him worrying about me, but I liked having people around. It distracted me from the turmoil in my head. Plus, the more people here the more attention Jackson got, and I felt less guilty.

Our front door opened, and Hartman and Reese hurried out. I got out of the car and watched as the guys helped Olli out and back to the house. Good, even he was getting what he needed from others. I should have helped him. I should be making sure he was comfortable on the couch. Was he hungry or thirsty? Last week I would have been running in after them gathering pillows and an ice pack. Now, I stood still watching through the open door. Would anyone notice if I just stayed out here? Let the world go on without me?

I eyed the chairs on the porch and headed to them. I slid down and sighed, closing my eyes.

Quiet. Peace. Calm.

Out here, completely alone was the best I’d felt in days.

I fell asleep for several minutes until the front door opened. I peered over to see Marie walking out. Without speaking, she filled the seat next to me. We sat in the silence for several minutes before she turned.

“It’s going to be okay” Marie said. “You know, that right?”

I shrugged.

“We went through a similar injury with Erik,” Marie said. “It happens to a lot of athletes, especially ACL injuries for goalies. You bend the knee wrong and it only takes one hit, but we’ll get him put back together. It’s all going be okay.”

I finally gazed into her eyes and tried to smile but I couldn’t muster the effort. “I don’t know if I can handle this.”

She reached over and squeeze my hand. “You don’t have to do this alone. You have all of us behind you.”