Page 22 of Open Net

I nodded and he returned a moment later with a crying Jackson. I sat up and took him into my arms. I went through the motions of feeding him. It was all I did.

I couldn’t picture a life beyond this stage. Would I ever get my body back? Would I ever feel like myself again?

Once he was full, Olli took and burped him. By now Olli knew how to perfectly swaddle him so Jackson slept soundly for an hour or two. This baby stuff was so foreign to me. How was everyone else catching on so quickly?

“Thank you,” I told Olli.

He smiled. “I’ve got the easy job. Holding a sleeping baby. You’re the one that has to feed him.”

I smiled back but didn’t feel any better. The second I could pump breastmilk, anyone could have the important job of feeding Jackson. I’d be nothing more than a dispenser.

Maybe that would be better. I wouldn’t have to be around Jackson as much and no one would realize how terrible I was. Everyone else could love and take care of him.

Olli stood and kissed me gently. “You can keep resting, babe.” Then he walked out to put Jackson back in his crib.

I appreciated all the time Olli and our friends were giving me to recover, but it just made me feel useless. Like I wasn’t needed to care for Jackson. Anyone could do it. So why bother with me?

I shook the thought. I was his mother. Of course, he needed me.

Did he?

I burrowed my face against my pillow, hiding my face in shame. There was only one person I could ask, but I’d have to wait a few days for Jackson’s checkup. Dr. Hopkins would know whether this was normal or not. I just had to survive until then. I closed my eyes and let that thought carry me away.

6

Olli

I felt horrible leaving Emma at home for practices, but at least the girls took turns staying with her. The Pride had been amazing at coordinating meals and help for Emma. They’d always been like family to us, but this just cemented that notion.

Today was rough. Emma looked like a zombie walking through the house. It was like she was on autopilot. She went through the motions of feeding, changing, and putting Jackson to sleep, but I hadn’t seen her smile in days.

I knew she was still in pain from the C-section and I wished I could stay home with her more. Coach had been gracious about letting me skip a few practices while she was in the hospital, but tonight was the season opener so there was no missing that.

Erik and Reese were skating in circles in front of me. We were warming up for our first game and our attention should be on that, but all I could think about was Emma and my baby.

“Don’t worry, Dad,” Erik told me. “Madeline is with them.”

I peered over to Erik and nodded. The guys had taken to calling me Dad lately and even though there were others on the team with children, I was the first of our group. It felt strange but I didn’t call attention to it. That’s how nicknames stick.

“I know,” I said. “I just wish I could make it easier for Emma. A C-section is major surgery, but somehow she’s expected to go on living and caring for another human while recovering.”

Reese patted my shoulder. “She’s got help, and if you think she needs more just hire someone.”

I nodded. I’d been thinking about it a lot. Maybe someone that could stay through the night so Emma could get more rest. She’d tried pumping a few times and was getting more used to it.

Hopefully within a few days I’d be able to get up for the feedings and let her sleep. Not that I could afford to be sleep deprived. I had to be on my A-game this season. We had back to back championships to defend. We had a huge target on our team, and I couldn’t let exhaustion take over and make mistakes. Not only would it affect the team, but if I didn’t perform well there would be consequences. I’d be replaced by the insufferable nineteen-year-old, Dwayne Smith. I’d just as soon quit than let that happen.

It felt great being back on the ice after so long. The high of facing another opponent pulsed in my veins.

Our game opener should be an easy one. We’re playing the Arizona Rattlers and they didn’t have the best track record. As the guys skated laps around our half of the ice and ran a few drills I went through my motions stretching and cutting into the ice then stretching again.

I scanned where the Pride usually sat, searching for Emma’s face then remembered this was the first home game she would miss in years. I knew she and Jackson were in good hands with Kendall. Emma told me she’d be cheering me on from the couch. I’d have to pretend she was sitting in the third row up behind the penalty box between Chloe and Sasha, Porter Vaugh’s wife, like always.

Part of me was excited to know that Jackson was watching his dad play for the first time, even if it was on a TV screen. Not that he would remember it of course. I didn't think he could even see far enough to watch the TV yet. He probably wasn’t even awake, but it meant something to me to know that he was there for his Dad’s first game.

I watched the Rattlers step onto the ice, running each of their stats through my mind. Pearson was a right-hander. Jacks liked to shoot from far in the corner. Jeffries always liked to wait at the last second to shoot so I had to stay in the deep blue when he had the puck. I went through each player until I felt confident and started stretching again.

Soon the refs called the captains to the center of the ice for the ceremonial puck drop with Salt Lake City‘s mayor. I went through the motions of the national anthem then took my spot back as goalie. I turned off my brains, not letting anything distract me. My focus was only on that puck and making sure it didn’t cross my line. The defense was looking good this season, but I wasn’t going to let us lose our first game.