Page 2 of Driving Beats

“Dude, nothing other than your luggage never arrived and you need help getting a new wardrobe. She’s a professional. You’re in good hands.”

“She’s pretty young. I’m too old for the skinny jeans crap.”

Luke chuckles. “You sound like someone from a reality show franchise, and not the guitarist for the hottest band in the world. You’ll be fine.”

“Can’t wait.” I click off and wander through the room, touching the various zafu pillows, rugs, and plants. My mind calms and releases most of the noise inside.

Even though I won’t be able to join the retreat for another full week, I can start meditation practice now. I light the candles throughout my Reflection Room, which cast a calming glow.

I sit down on a pillow and try for a half lotus position, which isn’t comfortable since I’m in the jeans Tris gifted to me over Christmas, which are pretty form fitting. Trying to ignore how my jeans restrict, I simply close my eyes. Tuck in my neck to align my spine and back. Massage my jaw and cheeks to release the massive amounts of tension in my face. Place my hands on top of my knees and attempt to clear my mind.

Inhale.

My missing luggage tries to claw its way in, but I shunt it away.

Exhale.

Tomorrow’s one-day shopping trip sneaks in. To be conducted by the ever-effervescent young stylist who joined our team at the beginning of this tour, Nese Dalton. I can hear the echoes of her laughter invading my meditation and shake my head. My eyelids pop open. No.

Inner calm and tranquility, Coop. Leave her be.

Shutting my eyes once more, I take another deep inhale.

My mind blanks. Good. Once again, I seek mindful awareness.

A moment later, Lillian makes her appearance. As she always does. One master told me she would disappear when I no longer need her. I argued that she hasn’t been in my life for years and I don’t want her to return. He gave me a knowing smirk and bid me to keep meditating.

So, I do.

I order her to leave and, after a minute, she obliges. Only to be replaced with the two ladies I met in Nice, France when Jenna finally came to her senses and put Bennett out of his misery. They were gorgeous redheads—nothing like Lillian’s blonde. They were hanging on me and I knew I could easily do the deed with them. At the same time. It certainly would get the rest of UC off my back.

They kissed me. I even permitted myself to kiss them back.

Their hands roamed. Over my arms, my chest, my ass.

It felt good. So good. Like the other times I allowed myself to become intimate with a woman.

And just like all the other times, my whole body froze when it was time to take off their clothes. Not because I didn’t think they were beautiful. Not because they didn’t pique my interest.

Because I’m defective.

I blew my chance years ago.

Lillian reappears, now laughing at me.

Foster a non-judgmental attitude towards thoughts and feelings, Coop.

I try.

Fail.

Again.

Frustrated, I open my eyes and rise to my feet. Walking around the room, I put out the candles with my fingertips—which doesn’t affect me given my calluses—and seek to regain my center. At least my heart rate slows.

The need to do something positive in order to ground myself propels me forward. Since meditation didn’t do the trick, maybe spending time in my Zen Garden will. I open the door to the side area, beyond sight of the pool. Where my landscape artist outdid herself in creating this ideal oasis.

Manicured bushes line the area. Various rocks—boulders, actually—are placed at perfect angles, with white sand connecting the bushes to the rocks. The sand is raked to perfection, but there’s always room for improvement.