Page 39 of Left In The Dark

But then I wouldn’t be able to see how much he needs me. If he’s blowing up my phone, he has less time to message his friends and any other guy he’d be entertaining if I wasn’t here. My dad’s name flashes in my mind and I almost miss the wood, the sharp metal coming too close to my skin.

Shutting it off, I slam the drill to the ground. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I breathe in and out, unable to control my breathing at first. My phone goes off again and my hand itches to answer. I know it’s him without looking. Make him wait. So long it drives him crazy.

Buzzzz.

Grinding my teeth, I lower myself to the ground and pick up the drill.

Make him wait.

He can wait.

The loud sound of the drill drowns out the vibrations in my pocket. I move to the next piece of fencing, drilling each board in place. When I’m finally on the last one, I fish for my phone and read his messages.

Blake: I’m having a hard time saying no today. I couldn’t this morning when I didn’t want to go to my father’s restaurant, and I couldn’t when a friend asked me to join her on a double date tomorrow. Now I can’t say no to Hayden. I think he suspects something and won’t stop asking questions, saying he’s coming over tonight.

Blake: Will you help me?

Blake: Please.

Blake: No one else can.

I don’t want anyone else to either. Not when it’s my job to teach him and guide him. Blake is coming to me and not anyone else. If I want to keep it this way, I need to give him a reason not to stray, and he won’t if I show him how reliable I can be. Better me than them.

I can separate myself from the lies my horniness is using to convince my brain this is something more. It’s good sex derived from hate. Of course it’s better than any other kind I’ve had. The passion is stronger because the pent-up anger has made it so.

Me: Meet me at the old water tower around 8pm.

Blake: That’s when Hayden wants to come by.

I release a strained sigh.

Me: Two hours, then. I need to shower and tend to the animals.

Blake: Can I come to you now? I can help you with farm chores. I’ll help you get clean too.

His words are followed by a winky face.

Me: No. At the water tower in two hours. Set a timer and show up five minutes early.

Blake: Okay.

Feeding and watering the animals only takes me thirty minutes at most. There aren’t as many to care for anymore. Two sheep, four pigs, a couple of ducks, and fifteen chickens. Enjoying the feel of the cool breeze through my hair, I stand on the deck, leaning over the railing, and breathe in the fresh air.

There’s a lot to love about this place, and I see it more when so much of what I hated is gone. My father’s scrutiny, his judgment and all his scowling. Why did he want me to take over from him so badly when he never cared for how I did anything.

“You’re brushing the horses wrong,” he’d bite out. “You’re going to drop the eggs like that.”

His constant criticism was nails on the chalkboard and so were all his complaints to my mother about her cooking. She didn’t scrub the counters well enough or tuck the sheets in at the corners the way he liked. We didn’t do this or that, and he was the only one pulling his weight around here. It’s why I slept in the barn so much. The sounds of the animals were more comforting than anything that came out of his mouth. His loud breathing grew to be too much too, and the increasing huffs only meant he was working his way up to yelling.

Closing my eyes, I lean back and smile with my face pointed up at the sky. No worrying about him grabbing me by my hair and dragging me inside with my nails breaking on the door frame when I tried to fight against him. I can come home late for dinner and sleep whenever I want.

If I doze on the couch, it’s not be a big deal anymore, and I can laugh low at my TV shows and drink my water standing up. My elbows can be on the table and I can snack on pickles with the fridge open. Nowhere is off limits for me to read at, and I can live all I want here without interruptions.

Then his and Blake’s faces come together in my head. My eyes snap open and I feel as if someone’s yanking at my scalp all over again, the pain traveling down to my chest like twisting knives.

Neither are supposed to bother me anymore. But they both always will as long as I’m here, won’t they? In some type of way. Either alone or together in their new apartment. Is that why Blake is pushing to see me sooner? He won’t talk me out of Saturday. If it was him Mrs. whatever the fuck her name was saw at the furniture store, then I’ll make sure he doesn’t make his move‑in date.

My dad will be left alone like he deserves, and I’ll keep proving over and over that no one will be able to satisfy Blake like me. Only I can fill that hole I drill inside him, of feeling partially empty every time I leave him wanting for more.