Page 40 of Break Me Not

I didn't have many friends in Washington, so I could make new ones. I imagined a life where people liked me. One where I didn't have to spend all my time with a mother constantly in my business, making sure I was the most perfectly well-raised girl.

Just like many others, that dream came crashing down because my mother and I were going to stay upstate while my father lived in the city for work and sent money back.

It made my mother even lonelier. When I was in high school, I realized he had gotten laid off, and he was happy to stay away from his family. I didn’t see him more than a few times a year.

At that point, it had become glaringly obvious that my parents weren't really meant to be together, no matter how much my mother tried. And it left me stuck in that depressing house, yearning for love and attention. Which was probably why it was so easy to get attached to someone like my ex.

I shook my head, trying to get rid of all the memories. Trying to stay in the present.

The problem was that I was standing at the window of Jax’s two-bedroom apartment, looking at the exact view I’d dreamed about over and over… and I was starting to feel like I was back in that teenage body. Only now I was really living the life I’d dreamed of.

You’re not. This is not your house. This is temporary.

Catching Jax’s reflection in the glass brought me back to the here and now. Especially since she wasn't wearing a bra with that sinful white tank top that barely came to her belly button, and her nipples were pushing through the thin fabric. And those sweats were so low on her hips it would just be one easy tug before they came off.

Yes, we’d both changed into more casual clothes. Only she was killing me while I was wearing a casual T-shirt and lounge pants.

“I think you need this,” she said, coming up to me with a glass of wine.

Good girl. The praise was on my lips, but I didn't let it slip out.

I leaned against the back of the couch, turning to look at her.

“How long will I have to stay here?”

“What? Is it not to your liking?”

I rolled my eyes and took the glass of wine. My eyes went back to the window. I didn’t think I'd ever get bored of it. The glittering lights. The traffic going below us. We were so high up that we couldn't hear it anymore, but I could see it. Even so late at night, the city was still moving.

“If you don't like it, we can move to my house upstate. It’s much bigger than this, and I recently had it fully renovated⁠—”

“Not upstate.”

I cringed at the mention of it. I would do anything to stay away from that place. Away from my parents. Away from his.

The chances we’d run into each other were small, but not zero. And I couldn't subject myself to that. Not after the divorce. Not after I realized that not one person was on my side, no matter how awful he was. It had been my fault the marriage failed. I had not put enough work into it. I had been a bad mother. I had been a bad wife.

I could feel it weighing me down again even now. The pressure. The loneliness.

And then the apartment… One of the few things I got before we separated and kept during the divorce.

He ruined it.

Just like that. Just on a whim.

Now it would never feel safe to go back to the one place that gave me a freedom I'd always yearned for.

I tried to stifle down the emotions with a sip of wine, but I couldn't. And, of course, Jax caught that right away.

“Hey, what’s wrong? I promise I won't mention upstate again.”

I hadn't realized I had started crying until her fingers gently wiped my tears away right before she took up the space in front of me and took the glass from my hand.

“I-I can't believe he's doing this,” I said in a small voice. I didn't want her to see me like this. Weak. Unable to take care of myself. A crying mess. I tried to hold it in. “I'm fine. Sorry. It's just been a⁠—”

“You're obviously not fine.”

She placed my glass on a small table a few feet away from us before appearing back in my line of sight. Her hands were so light as they held my face.