Page 65 of Client from Hell

Well, if they wanted me to make a mess of their day through leaving random, sharp implements available for my use, so be it. I didn’t have to figure out how to shift to a spicy pony with bite to get the job done. Any one of the scalpels left out and about would do, as would one of the larger cleavers, which I could only presume was intended to cut through the bones of their dissection victims.

My virus approved of my intent to bring a great deal of harm to the three bastards working on the corpse. She savored the idea of leaving their bodies to cool on the tiles. Rather than stab them, she wanted to go the bludgeon route. As I could fully respect and get behind taking a baseball bat, crowbar, or some other hard object to the heads of some fucking assholes, I searched for a good weapon.

The lab lacked any baseball bats or crowbars, but there were several fire extinguishers nearby. I had no idea why the surgical tables needed fire extinguishers nearby, but I’d used one before.

They weighed enough to do some serious damage if it came into contact with someone’s skull. Better still, if I sprayed them in the face with the foam, I would have plenty of time to bash their heads in and remove them as a threat. Hedging my bets on them being too absorbed with their grisly work to notice me, I eased the cage door open, careful to prevent the spring-loaded clasp from snapping back into position. Once certain the mechanism wouldn’t make unwanted noise and betray me, I tip-toed to the nearest fire extinguisher, checked the pressure meter to confirm it would do what I needed, and pulled the pin out.

With vicious glee, I took aim at the idiots hard at work and opened fire with the extinguisher, unloading the canister’s entire contents onto them and the corpse they worked on. As merely spraying them failed to appease my virus, I made sure to aim for their mouths and noses to minimize their ability to retaliate.

“Wear safety gear when working in a lab, assholes,” I said before I adjusted my hold on the fire extinguisher and swung, taking aim for the nearest asshole’s head. The metal collided with his temple with a crunch. To my virus’s disappointment, blood didn’t spray everywhere in a glorious fountain, although the business end of my new weapon glistened with crimson fluid.

As fire extinguisher foam did a good job of turning screams to gurgles, I didn’t have to deal with excessive noise while I finished beating the life out of the other two jackasses. To make sure they wouldn’t get up and bother me again, I armed myself with a scalpel and went to work slitting their throats.

Slit throats spilled a great deal of blood, and none of my victims lasted for more than a minute or two before they headed to their next destination, where they would enjoy the Devil’s not-so-tender care. Muttering curses over wearing someone else’s blood thanks to my decision to ensure my kills, I prowled around the lab. Once upon a time, an entire wall of the place had been dedicated to captive animals, although the cages were long empty and covered in a layer of dust.

I returned to the bodies, selected one of the tools with a nice point, and dipped it into one of the growing puddles of blood. Using the fucking asshole’s blood to do a practitioner working counted as a little rude, but I figured if they’d wanted me to be polite, they would have extended a better invitation. Like I had at the previous lab, I drew an aversion, but I limited the number of exclusions to include any equines infected with lycanthropy and incubi.

I would have to hope the lab didn’t have any sex demons working for them, but if they did, I would make good use of one of the lab’s fire extinguishers.

Pleased with my precautions, I explored.

The building consisted of three bedrooms, an office, a bathroom, and the lab. In the office, I struck gold. Stealing a ream of printer paper, I used my magic to copy every document. Every scrap of information on me went into a pile, which would come with me when I left. I also collected their information on Diana and Darian, which would likewise be escorted away from their lab. Someone had left the computer unlocked, which made it trivial to search for files including our names, print copies of everything important, and delete their data. After some experimentation, I accessed the cloud they stored their backups in, and with ruthless delight, overwrote their research with copies of classic novels.

Then, as I could be a bitch on a good day, I tossed in a bunch of medical research documents from the internet to the beginning of each file to make it appear as though they still had viable data.

I hoped whoever discovered their medical research on whatever-the-hell they were doing broke their brain. I also hoped the five hundred pages of data I’d printed wouldn’t break my brain. Grateful the office chair had wheels, I loaded the damned thing up with as many papers as possible and rolled it out into the hallway connecting the office with the lab, the bathroom, and the bedrooms. Getting the paperwork out would test my creativity, especially as I had no idea what waited for me outside. I’d located the door out, but I hadn’t tested my luck—or even peeked out through the peep hole.

I already courted enough trouble.

Armed with my chair, my stolen papers, a pen, some blank sheets of paper, and a fire extinguisher, I approached the door leading to freedom, took a few deep breaths to steady my nerves, and peered through the peep hole. An overgrown clearing surrounded with trees waited for me.

If the plain white walls hid the fact I’d been taken to a creepy cabin in the woods, I would find somewhere private to scream out my frustration. Then, because I had as sick of a sense of humor as the Devil, I would hunt down every horror movie I could find featuring creepy cabins in the woods and binge watch them all to remind myself it could be worse. Of course, assuming I survived watching so many horror flicks without dying from a heart attack, I would need a lot of tender, loving care from an incubus to recover.

My virus approved of my plan, and I got the feeling she hoped we’d been taken to some creepy cabin in the woods—no, not just in the woods, deep in the woods, where good girls like me were brutally murdered.

After being used as a science experiment.

I regretted I had taken the efficient route of murder. Muttering curses, I cracked open the door.

Yep, the bastards had taken me to a cabin in the woods, although the exterior lacked the creep factor I expected from a place used to test on and dissect humans. They’d even added some pretty flowers around the place to make it appear normal people lived in the place. Shuddering, I left my chair burdened with stolen documentation in the doorway and scouted around the clearing to discover a mud-covered SUV parked at the end of a dirt road in dire need of some maintenance.

Heaving a sigh at having to turn around and find the fucking keys, I marched back into the cabin, returned to the bodies, and searched their pockets until I found their wallets and keys, all of which came with me. I located the keys for the SUV, turned it on, and checked the navigation system to discover I’d been taken two hours away from Athens. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, debating where I wanted to take my plunder.

Of the residences Jonas had taken me to, I’d liked one of the smaller country homes the best, enjoying its cozy, intimate vibe. Getting back to it would take some effort, but as long as I got back to the nearby town, I could get there.

The Devil tended to plant red maples near his properties as a warning to the wise.

I loaded up the SUV and left, careful to obey the speed limit, as I doubted I would be able to explain why I was covered in blood without admitting I’d murdered three people. Of course, all I would have needed to do was summon an angel and confess I’d done it in self-defense, and once I stated they’d been dissecting some guy on the table in front of me, no sane jury would convict me.

The entire drive, I fretted, tapping a random beat on the wheel while digging out every curse I’d ever heard in my life.

I made it to the Devil’s house without incident, and sighing my relief, I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen, drawing a rune to break the aversion I’d set at the cabin. Then, as Diana wasn’t the only one who could summon the Devil, I hauled my loot into the house, drew a basic summoning circle, and inscribed Lucifer’s name seven ways—all spelled wrong.

Within a few seconds, the Devil manifested in a cloud of brimstone, angry enough he’d used one of his true forms, breathing fire.

In the courthouse, my glimpses of his figure had scared me. Now, the absurdity of having pissed him off that much made me laugh. Standing on my toes, I reached up and patted him between his curved horns. Soot covered him and his hair, and I figured no amount of brushing him off would help, but I did it anyway. “I have always wondered if that would work,” I admitted.

Lucifer sighed, his form shimmered, and he assumed a more human shape, taking on a bronzed skin tone. “And I thought giving you a look at my form would scare some respect into you.”