Page 38 of Client from Hell

Snickering, Jonas checked his phone again, referenced the nearby street signs, and pointed down one of the streets that had seen better days, with the residences having been either abandoned or neglected to the point of no return. “Apparently, we’re in the bad part of John’s Creek.”

“I had no idea John’s Creek had a bad part, but this does look rather sketchy.”

Jonas frowned, checked the address again, and pointed at one of the decrepit houses down the street. “The address is that place, and I’m not seeing any storm grates ahead of us.”

While I’d been able to drive without issue, I questioned the wisdom in my choice to have done so with an off prescription, although I could make out the building with minimal blur. “We need to take me to one of those one hour glasses places tomorrow, Jonas. Not today. I will not want to after dealing with literal shit.”

“I agree. Shall we go explore the run-down house on creepy street?”

“If this is Elm Street, I’m leaving, Jonas.”

“Oak Boulevard.”

I frowned. “For the record, I do not like this, and I absolutely will scream if there are any unexpected hauntings during this venture.”

“I would like to remind you that I can teleport.”

“But will you take me when you go?”

“I’m selfish and want to enjoy being fed, so yes. I’m expecting good meals from you, Sandra. You do not want to experience the disappointment of a hungry incubus. I whine, and you know you’d hate the whining. And as I’m ruthless and a little evil, I’ll crank the whining until you either attempt to kill me or you drag me to your bed to shut me up. I’m confident I can turn your attempted murder into bed buddy time.”

I grinned at his honesty. “As long as you take me when you go, you can whine while I put up a token resistance so we can get to the attempted murder transformed into bed buddy time portion of our adventure.”

“It disturbs me that I’m the one who has to remind you that you need to be patient for a while.”

“I can whine until you attempt murder, which is then transformed into bed buddy time?” I replied, furrowing my brows. “I don’t like the other options.”

“How about, should teleportation be required, we’ll console ourselves with bed warming and book reading and game playing time, which will become bed buddy time in a few weeks,” Jonas suggested.

I shrugged. “The bed buddy time is mandatory, especially if Oak Boulevard becomes the next site of some horrible horror flick.”

“I take it you don’t like horror movies?”

I wrinkled my nose and sniffed. “I’ll never tell.”

“I will learn your secrets. Our room has a television. After we triumph over Oak Boulevard, we shall venture onto Elm Street.”

Yep. Jonas had asshole tendencies. “You will pay for this, Jonas. Mark my words, you will pay for this.”

The house’s roof appeared to be one stiff breeze from caving in, the porch steps rotted away, and I eyed the disintegrating planks spanning the distance between the top step and the opened front door, which hung from a single hinge. The local wildlife had moved in, and a family of raccoons hissed and growled at us from the sitting room they had taken over. Once upon a time, likely a decade or so ago, someone had invested in a leather sofa, which clung together by mere scraps, and the foam beneath had been plundered by the animals living in the place.

On second thought, a horror movie marathon appealed a great deal more than venturing into the home. As I could have a sense of humor at times, I grabbed my new phone, turned on the video recorder, and once I had a red, blinking icon, I said, “On this episode of Death Trap on Oak Boulevard, we demonstrate we might be too stupid to live. Our first foes are the wild raccoons with a moderate chance of being rabid.”

Jonas laughed. “They’re only some raccoons, Sandra. They’re not going to do more than maybe bite you if you get too close to the babies. They’ll scream and hiss at us, though, and they can sound pretty terrifying. But they’re just some raccoons. I’m more worried about breaking an ankle getting into the house.” Jonas tested the planks, and while most broke and crumbled away, he found an intact board. Frowning, he crouched down and examined the wood. “This is newer.”

I peered over his shoulder, and sure enough, the wood seemed rather new, and someone had hidden its restored state with a panel of the rotten wood placed overtop it. “Why would somebody put rotten wood over good wood?”

“To hide that someone had done repairs to the place.” Jonas rose, used the board to cross to the doorway, and held his hand out to me.

A single peek at the filthy ground beneath the porch, which had become the home of numerous animals, convinced me to accept his help without complaint. “We are entering too stupid to live territory, Jonas. We’re going into a run-down horror house on purpose. We’re going to have to deal with its raccoon defenders. We don’t get experience points for doing this like in some game. We get diseases, injuries, and shamed for life.”

“While I agree there is a fairly high chance of contracting diseases and being injured, I’m not sure I’m willing to say we’re going to be shamed for life. We’re exploring. Didn’t you ever want to explore some abandoned place as a kid?”

“My parents wisely leashed me. I was not a free-range child. I was a contained child, as they were convinced I would destroy the entire neighborhood if I were allowed to roam. After what I did to the swing set as a kid, I can’t say I blame them for their opinion.” Shivering at the thought of landing in the horrors lurking beneath the porch, I braved the raccoons.

The entire lot of them hissed and chittered at me, and since that wasn’t bad enough, one of them issued a shrill scream, and it darted forward a few paces in what I hoped was an attempt to scare me off rather than shred my face to ribbons. It balked a few feet away from me, and as it hissed at me, I showed it my teeth and hissed back.

It bolted into the sitting room’s darkness. A musky odor filled the air, and I wrinkled my nose. “The perfume of raccoon must be an acquired taste.”