Page 25 of Client from Hell

“Hellish equines have stronger appetites than even incubi and succubi, Sandra,” Jonas replied.

Oh? “But are they whores?”

“They’re coupled with rather strong monogamous tendencies, much like lycanthropes. Standard unicorn stallions can—and have—trapped succubi in their wicked clutches, and they do not let go once they have secured their mate.”

“I am not seeing the problem with this, Jonas.”

“They can live to be over a thousand years.”

“I’m still not seeing the problem with this. You’re giving me a pretty good sales pitch for this, honestly. I’d have to find another spicy pony with bite or tame an incubus, but it seems there are matchmakers in my life, so I won’t even have to do any of the real work. That might put a damper on your bed buddy plans for a good meal, though.”

“I’m monogamous, Sandra. We’ve already discussed this.”

“I’m still not seeing the problem. What are you complaining about? I don’t have time to take care of some needy man, you need a reliable bed buddy, and we certainly don’t have to love each other to have a functional sexual relationship. You might get bored after a few hundred years, but you’d be well-fed while being bored. I’ll kick the bucket eventually, so you can resume moping and being hungry at your leisure at that point. And you could purge the bond should one develop.”

“It’s much harder to escape one of the equines,” Jonas complained.

“If I could open my eyes without being at risk of eradication, I would be rolling them at you right now. Don’t be a baby. We both win and lose with this arrangement. You get fed, I go to bed warm and content, and we otherwise leave each other alone and do our own thing. You have to work as Darlene’s bitch, and I’ll be Lucifer’s intern. These things likely do not overlap that much. And if you piss me off enough, I’ll just tattle to Lucifer and make him deal with your disciplining. But as long as you aren’t cheating on me with some other woman, I’m not your mother or your babysitter. Just don’t be a complete dick.”

“Why do I have a feeling I’m going to regret this?”

Poor Jonas, forced to accept he couldn’t have everything his way. “I already told you I don’t have time for a man, but a bed buddy would be a nice addition to my life. Just keep your eye on the prize. You get a good meal most nights of the week, and you don’t have to buy me chocolates or roses to get it. If you get lonely, I might even be able to pen you into my schedule, but it’s going to be quite busy.”

“You are a ruthless woman, Sandra.”

I was? “If you like buying women chocolate and roses, I like both of those things and won’t object to you indulging your romantic side. It’s just worth reminding you that you’re an incubus and I’m a smart woman. Incubi aren’t in it for love. I’m just cutting through the bullshit so we can both benefit from our agreement.”

“You are right, Jonas,” Anael stated. “She is a most ruthless woman. I wish you the best of luck with your arrangement. You will need it, but at the very least, you will not wander around as a shadow of your proper self. There is something to be said about properly feeding, and she is making a good offer. While there are consequences to her offer, your needs will be met, which is important for your ongoing health. And think what you will about your sister and her wicked ways, but her love for you is second only to her love for Lucifer, and there is no power in this universe that is capable of coming between those two. Until you discover the woman who makes your soul sing, there is something to be said for a relationship founded on more than merely passing lust or fragile love. You have much to learn, and she can teach you. But I recommend you make use of the roses and the chocolates. You will inevitably annoy her to the limits of her sanity, and it is wise to attempt to appease the angry women in your life.”

“Women is plural,” Jonas muttered.

“Did you think establishing an evening arrangement would stop your sister?”

“I was certainly hoping!”

I bit my lip so I wouldn’t laugh. Once I had better control of myself, I said, “Keep on dreaming, Jonas.”

The next time an archangel warned me something would be unpleasant, I would listen—and I would flee as fast as my feet could carry me. The concoction tasted like honey, a mellow honey I could drink all day without complaint. The taste deceived—and made sure it all ended up in my stomach, where the brew worked its dark magic on me.

It began as an unpleasant yet familiar burn in my bones, the same kind of all-consuming pain the hospital used the nasty drugs to dull.

Archangels didn’t believe in drugs. Camael believed in fiery restraints, which bound me to the bed so I couldn’t get up and attempt to strangle the bitch through her shimmering shroud.

“Before you panic, Jonas, she may now see through the shroud without it destroying her,” Camael announced. “Her temper will be fierce for a few minutes. I did not imbue her with the essence of a sparkly pony capable of farting rainbows and roses, after all. She will be most spicy once He is finished with her. You will appreciate His working. You will have a hungry filly to please, and your nature will enjoy her attentive company.”

“I appreciate early Christmas presents as much as the next man, but that looks rather painful. Did you have to use holy fire?”

“Yes. It was necessary. The potion included some ambrosia to go along with the essence. It also included some other components meant to help heal her body, including holy fire. Once the potion’s potency has dulled, I will make use of more holy fire to help her body heal and boost her wavering virus. Make no mistake, young Jonas. While she will be a spicy pony with bite, she will also be a lycanthrope, and her health is tied to her virus’s health. Her virus will be strong once we are finished with her, but for the moment, she must pay the price for her healing in suffering.”

“You’re using holy fire to chain her to the bed.” Jonas growled something under his breath. “Doesn’t that constitute as cruel and unusual punishment?”

“Silly incubus. It heals her even as it burns her. Diana suffered through similar, though to a far lesser extent. Did you know?”

“I knew. Her cancer had just started, so it was easier to remove. I don’t understand why he didn’t just cure Sandra of her cancer. He can.”

“Ah. I understand now. This is the source of your irritation. Lucifer cured Diana, so why could he not cure Sandra?”

“That had crossed my mind,” Jonas admitted.