Page 35 of Catnapped

“I’m pretty sure somebody would pay me a fortune to strangle you,” I muttered.

With a laugh, Lucifer patted my shoulder. “My darling has been trying since the day she married me. Attempting the impossible amuses her. For some reason, her attempts at strangulation never get far. She has a short attention span, especially when she realizes her hands are close to my chest.”

“I’m going to have to remind Darlene strangulations only work if she focuses her attention on the task rather than turning an attempted murder into a sexual assault.” I loved the woman, but she might drive me almost as crazy as her husband.

“It’s not assault if I like it, Diana.”

“I’m going to need to be bribed to put up with you, Lucifer. Why are you interrupting our investigations?”

“I wouldn’t call it interrupting.”

“What would you call it, then?”

“Assisting.” He pointed at the general direction of the obscured boxes. “You’re about one step off from a shroud on that rune combination, by the way. I can take that off your hands and get the fingerprints checked. I have a few forensics investigators in need of some rehabilitation in residence, and I’m sure they’d love to dodge some torture in exchange for working diligently at identifying those fingerprints and doing lab work on your samples.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Darian?”

“It’s allowed, especially when he bargains with you for the work. He can’t tell us directly, but he can provide a service. He’d trim the time down to a day rather than several days when using the sinners to get the intel we need. Then he can hand the mess over to an angel, which would then be admitted to the police. Obviously, whatever they’re up to has the divines in an uproar, so they’re doing what they can without violating the universal laws.”

I expected my future would be filled with moments where I contemplated strangling the Devil because of the convoluted nature of the universal laws. “That definitely adds some weight to your theory, Darian. I’m not sure I like that.”

“I definitely don’t like it.” Darian considered the Devil, his frown a match for mine. “Uncle, we aren’t facing an End of Days scenario, are we?”

According to Lucifer’s expression, Darian had hit the target dead center. “Right this moment, we are not.”

“That sounds less than good. I don’t want to end up like Kanika,” I complained. “You gave her a complex.”

“I didn’t give her any complexes. She already had them. If anything, I’ve helped her get over some of her complexes. She no longer lives life looking over her shoulder afraid some assholes will try to sell her off into a marriage she doesn’t want. If I’m not keeping the idiots at bay, Malcolm is—and Malcolm is very good at his job. It’s not my fault she’s a sphinx, and she’s one of those annoying guardian ones. Now she views the entire planet as hers to protect. I’m constantly having to rein her in. I’m hoping you can help me rein her in, honestly. She will not be happy unless there’s a permanent stay on the End of Days, and that’s not how this works.”

“How did I get brought into this?” I sighed. “Why did I accept that damned job promotion?”

“It doubled your salary, which meant you could move out of your tiny studio apartment into a house,” the Devil reminded me. “You just didn’t read the fine print or ask if you’d have excessive exposure to my majestic self.”

Heaving another sigh, I gave in to the inevitable and said, “Okay. What do we need to bargain to get you to handle this matter?”

“Darlene thinks Kanika needs a sister, and your application has been approved. You can either choose adoption into the family or marriage into the family. I have plenty of single nephews, Darian here included.”

I bowed my head, lifted a hand, and rubbed my temple in the futile hope of preventing the headache about to spring up and stab through my skull. “I’m supposed to be your secretary.”

“You can still be my secretary, and frankly, I’d be forced to pay you even more as a result.”

“I have two parents. Both of which are still alive and will remain alive. That means you can’t go give them heart attacks. Despite our disagreements on certain elements of life, I do love them. They just make me want to indulge in an act of defenestration is all.”

“Diana, they’re assholes. Coming from me, that’s saying a lot. Now, they do also love you, but this does not change their asshole tendencies. They’re at least half the reason you’re terrified of the water. Anyway, I’m a far better parent than them. I’ve decided I will collect children with asshole parents and prove I can be a far better asshole parent. It’s my latest hobby. For once, my darling actually likes one of my hobbies. She just makes me get approval of the adoptee rather than tricking them. My little cupcake really doesn’t mind having been tricked. She knows she’s a wanted child. You, on the other hand, will be a trickier acquisition. You need special cultivation to fall in line with my plans.”

“You are in dire need of a therapist.” I sighed, took hold of the first box, and handed it off to the Devil. One by one, I stacked them on top until he couldn’t cause me extra trouble without damaging anything. “In exchange for you handling this matter properly, I will consider your proposal in one way or another. I do not mind entering the dating pool, but having four parents would likely result in the compl—” I blinked. “Does that mean you’d come to the family dinners?”

“I fucking love family dinners,” the Devil announced. “Especially when the other part of the family can’t decide if they love or hate me.”

What a demented, twisted being. “How about this as a bargain instead: you can come to Christmas dinner with three of your brothers, Kanika, Malcolm, and one guest of your choice and their family. The guest of your choice, assuming I am not in a relationship with someone, can be a gentleman you want me to try dating. Note, this person must be a gentleman.”

“Incubi can be gentlemen, especially during religious holidays when they’re given away as a gift to some deserving woman.”

I narrowed my eyes. “I’m understanding the lure of your succubi scheme a little better than I did this morning, Darian.”

Darian snickered. “It’s a situation you both lose and win, right? But all you have to do is bring a date if you don’t want some incubus being a gentleman with you after dinner. He might also find you a kelpie or a unicorn. They have a reputation, too.”

“For some reason, I cultivated a lot of sex demons of various types. The unicorns are the most nurturing of them, though I have a few incubi who enjoy nothing more than pampering the women they’re feeding from. They’re lucky women, really. I really need to do something about my darling’s brother. I did too good of a job adjusting his general temperament. If he gets much more nurturing, he’ll cry if he can’t be in a stable relationship. Why can’t I kill him?”