Page 27 of Catnapped

“Showing up with a bunch of archangels and the Devil on Christmas is going to test them, won’t it?”

“I will be very disappointed if it doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents, but they’re a little prejudiced, and it’d be nice to see them change their tune. They probably will once unassailable evidence is presented to them. They’ve seen me do magic tricks before, but they view it as sleight of hand, not actual magic. I decided against rocking the boat more than I already had. They insisted I go to church and repent multiple times. They even made me get baptized to soothe their souls. My soul, by the way, was absolutely not soothed.” I shuddered at the memory of being utterly convinced the pastor would drown me, but I’d been taught if I didn’t get baptized, I would go directly to the Devil’s many hells for punishment. Later in life, I’d learned that their way wasn’t necessarily the right way. “I was in my teens for that dunking.”

“Did that scare you?”

“It scared the hell right out of me, frankly. I didn’t even curse for a few weeks after that. They might’ve made me do it again. Unfortunately, that incident did nothing to discourage my interest in magic and lore. I find magic and the divine to be absolutely fascinating.”

“Your job would definitely allow you to pursue those interests.”

I nodded. “Exactly so. Planning research trips is tough with my work schedule, though. I usually wait for the CDC to ship me abroad and extend the trip a day or two. They usually let me do that, as I rarely take other days off.” I grinned at the thought of how many times I’d done some rather naughty things while traveling under the CDC’s banner—and since the CDC got protective about its executive secretaries, as often as not, I caught chartered flights across the pond, which made smuggling illegal texts back to the United States rather simple. “There are a lot of people who do private flights overseas who want the CDC to treat them kindly, so they offer to let people like me ride along if they’re going back home anyway, and then I catch a flight or drive a rental back home.”

“How often are you abroad?”

“It depends on what’s going on. Last year, I spent three full months abroad, jumping from country to country. I had another two week trip, too. Mr. Flooferson actually came with me both times. He got pixie dust for the flights, and he rode in the cabin. Did you know pixie dust works on cats? It’s like catnip but better for him, so he had a great time. Half the time, he just chilled on my lap. One of my bosses was doing a tour of Europe and wanted me with him, and I refused to board him because he was abused. The CDC talked to my vet, decided it would be best for him to come with me, and they accommodated him. If I’m only gone two or three days, he stays home alone and someone checks on him.” I frowned, drumming my nails on the steering wheel. “I don’t know I’ll want to leave him home alone now.”

“That’s something you’ll want to talk with Lucifer about. He tends to take his pets everywhere, and he’s got two cats. Well, Darlene has two cats. I’m sure he can work something out. Just make sure he knows that’s not something you’re willing to negotiate about.”

“You are just a fount of good advice. Anything else I should do?”

“Pick a species, or it’ll be picked for you, and Lucifer has a sense of humor and a fondness for unicorns, kelpies, and really, anything equine. He also has a fetish for felines, but Darlene gets jealous, so if he gets a choice, he’s going the equine route with you. And since you’re afraid of water, there are high odds of you being converted into a kelpie, as that would nullify that problem. You’d be able to breathe water. Kelpies can live for thousands of years. Old age takes a long time to catch up with them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is hoping for a kelpie for you. That way, Malcolm will have company of the same species. Kelpies don’t enjoy solitude, and he doesn’t really have a clan now. He could form a clan with you. That would make Lucifer happy, as kelpies are on the same vein as his unicorns, and he’s obsessed with his unicorns. Converting humans into kelpies is probably child’s play for him, assuming He appropriately counters with the creation of an angel. I don’t know what the current balance is. The Devil may be owed a seed or two for all I know. Lucifer would get you two seeds, as he’d match you with someone of the same lifespan. Date with caution, because Lucifer takes the ‘until death do you part’ portion of marriage vows seriously.”

“You’re well educated about Lucifer and what he’s likely to do.”

“Dad wanted to make sure I was aware of my uncle’s tendencies. He can’t properly ruin his enemies if he doesn’t take care to be as thorough as possible, so he tries to learn everything he can about everyone who is around him. He thinks I’m a troublemaker, so he wanted to make sure I didn’t cause the wrong sort of trouble with my uncle.”

“Are you a troublemaker?”

“Definitely.”

I grinned at that. “I recommend you run as soon as you can. The Devil doesn’t just have his eyes on me. You’re in this game, too.”

“I have no problems with conversion. There’s something to be said for long years with the right person along for the ride. Conversion would also make it more likely that my dad and father will stick together after my mother passes, and they’re generally a good team. They enjoy spending time with each other. Their natures are complementary. So, the way I see it? I’m being an extra good son playing along with the Devil’s plans.”

“But your mother won’t be converted?”

“The human part of a triad rarely is. There’s only one long-lived human member of a triad right now, and he’s a lycanthrope.”

“Ah. Yes. The swan. Paperwork about him has floated through my boss’s office before. His daughter caught an FBI agent for herself, and my one boss needed to review, as the FBI wanted her for their operations. She’s an agent now, too, although they’re not in the field right now because he’s infected, and his virus opted to rapidly accelerate development. They’re undergoing tests before going out in the field.” I considered the pair and chuckled at the mayhem a pair of birds might bring to an investigation. “Swans have tempers, so the CDC is monitoring them.”

“Lycanthropy is an interesting option,” Darian admitted. “But I’d rather be an equine.”

Ah-ha. “You just like horses.”

“I do. I’d make a fantastic stallion. And I’d be able to run really fast, and that appeals to me. And I’d have hooves, which are excellent for kicking people I don’t like. Horse lycanthropes are ridiculously rare, too, so we’d get extra protections from the CDC. The CDC does like to protect the uncommon variants.”

“Like the swans. I’ll admit, I’ve never considered lycanthropy to be a bad infection, and it wouldn’t bar me from doing my work, so I’m often exposed to them during work. The other secretaries are afraid of being infected, where I’m not.”

“You do seem rather fearless in general. Honestly, that is a little disturbing. Fear is a good way of preventing you from doing something I’ll regret.”

“Not that I’ll regret?”

He chuckled. “I’m more likely to regret it than you, I suspect. That’s a lesson I’ve learned from both of my fathers. When my mother decides she’s fearless, she makes them regret it every damned time. Also, my father when concerned that my mother has gotten into serious trouble? Absolutely hilarious. His feathers stick up on end. It’s remarkably cat-like. It also takes hours for his feathers to settle after an incident. And since I’m pretty sure I heard Lucifer mention you delve into forbidden lore, I’m confident you’ll do something I’ll regret.”

“How about you? You’re the one who gets shot while taking down corporations.”

“I will definitely do things you’ll regret, although I’m not accepting any responsibility for your decision to buy us high-end laptops for our gaming pleasures after we’re done work.”

“Obviously, the loss of my cat has killed my common sense. I really hope this helps us find my cat.”