Page 18 of Catnapped
“Good.” I wrinkled my nose. “Can you tell how long I would have if I didn’t get treated?”
“It would be a long, drawn-out battle.”
“It’s too bad you and your angelic siblings can’t just wave your hand and rid the world of cancer.”
“Like many things in life, cancer is a consequence. From the polluted air humans breathe to the foods eaten, all of these things contribute to the development of cancer. Sometimes, the consequence is a matter of genetics. In your case, Miami’s air and deodorant is the primary cause of your cancer. I recommend you throw out your current deodorant and use something a little less toxic.”
My eyes widened. “My deodorant?”
“Location, location, location,” the Devil informed me.
I lifted my arm, stared at my armpit, and realized he was right. I poked at my armpit, feeling at the connecting tissue linking my breast and my side. “I guess the chemicals get pretty close to my breasts, don’t they?”
“That they do. You’re a practitioner. Your magic would be far safer for you than the commercialized chemicals. For the record, it’s more the antiperspirant that was causing the problem than the perfumes. Once you make that change and your current problems are fixed, you’ll be fine.”
“Fine is relative.”
“The cancer won’t return because you’ll no longer be poisoning yourself with poorly chosen deodorant.”
Huh. The Devil had it out for deodorant manufacturers. I sniffed my armpits. “I don’t suppose you can help a woman out on that front, can you? If I let these pits go untended, they’ll be classified as biological weapons.”
Darlene laughed. “There are plenty of good solutions for your problem. That’s something you can deal with tomorrow. Tonight, you have a date with some holy fire, a little bit of pain, and that nice big bed in the other room. And, because it’ll be glorious, I’ll have that lout of mine move your man in there so you can witness his delightful reaction to realizing he woke up in bed with a woman without having any memory of how he got there.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re evil, Darlene?”
“From time to time.”
“You’re pretty damned evil, and as such, it comes as no surprise to me that you rule over your husband’s many hells.”
“See, my darling? See? This is why I must have her.” Lucifer pointed at me. “Accept my job offer, you!”
“Wouldn’t I have to hear what the job offer is first? Plus save my cat. There will be no consideration of job offers until my cat is safe and in my custody.”
The Devil scowled. “If I can’t have your soul, I will have you as an employee.”
“I think your husband needs some time on a couch with a shrink, Darlene.”
“Oh, I know he does.”
“You are a most cruel wife. Why are wives such cruel creatures?”
“Just call your brother, use one of those filthy words you hate so much, and take care of Diana. You can work on putting a good job offer together while you wait for her to finish her work. You only have yourself to blame for this. If you were more willing to break the rules, you could just steal her cat back. But no, you don’t like breaking the rules.”
“You know I can’t do that, and you know why.”
“I know, but she doesn’t, and it’s important she understands your inaction now before she resents you, likely sometime tomorrow, when she realizes just how big of a mess she’s landed in.”
Great. Just what I needed. Even more of a mess to deal with. “And one of your rules doesn’t allow you to interfere. What rule and why?”
“I can’t answer that,” Lucifer replied.
Interesting. “Will I find out why?”
“Possibly, but that depends on you and what you do in the coming days. You like learning forbidden things. Go learn them.” The Devil sighed. “Starting tomorrow morning, after I deal with the matter of your cancer and layering on some protections. It would be really, truly annoying if the woman I want to be my secretary expires on me prematurely.”
“It’s like milk that should still be good for another week going sour. It’s just wrong,” Darlene muttered. “No premature expirations.”
“You two are crazy,” I informed them.
