Page 75 of A Reckless Indulgence

“That’s an improvement,” Heathen says, but she’s watching him like she knows there’s something more he wants to say.

Maybe he shouldn’t. He could get away with this conversation and refocus on the experiment, but that doesn’t hold his attention. His heart’s not in it; it’s in something else.

“But you were right,” he sighs. “I’m not as dedicated as I should be. I’m doing it selfishly. I’m not trying to gain insight or make changes to the Indulgence. I’m doing it for me.”

Heathen looks concerned, but she doesn’t speak. Cav leans back against the railing and lets the weight of recognition settle over him.

“Even after I joined this crew, I’ve always been missing something. Something that keeps me on my toes. Something to captivate me. Something that makes me feel the way Lyx does.”

That’s what it really comes down to. Cav has never found his role on this ship because he’s been searching for Lyx in everything he does. That thrilling feeling she gives, the challenges she presents, the way she captivates him. She is the place his flighty mind can land and pour into. He may have been moving forward the past two years, but he was always looking back at her.

“I do need something to guide me.” He braces his hands against the railing. “A beacon. A purpose. Lyx is that for me.” Heathen’s mouth opens, but he cuts them off. “I know that’s not what you want to hear. I told you I could keep my feelings out of it, but I can’t. I’ve never been able to keep that wall up like you can. I’m sorry.”

Cav can’t face the disappointment in her eyes. He searches the shore for anything else to look at. Merchants unlock their doors and wave to each other in the dawn light. Chickens peck at worms in the dirt. On a nearby ship, a blue flag snaps in the wind.

Eventually, Heathen sidles up beside Cav. She stares out across the same scene, but from the corner of Cav’s eyes, he can tell she’s not really looking at it. “It’s harder than it seems,” Heathen says slowly, “maintaining lines when there are emotions involved. I do understand that. I should have approached this differently.”

The way they say it, he could almost believe they know what he means. Heathen has always appeared unflappable, led by facts and figures. Cav can’t imagine a world where she’d allow herself to be led by her heart instead of her head.

“I still think the experiment is worthwhile,” he murmurs. “It’s the kind of change we need. It opens people up. Lets them try things they never have before.” His mouth twists. “Maybe we were both wrong about the Indulgence.”

Heathen lifts a brow.

Cav continues uncertainly. “People don’t come here because they know what to expect — at least, not with sex. They don’t come here for monotony, but they don’t come here for the risk, either. They come here because it’s safe. Because whatever happens, they know they’ll be taken care of. That’s the real beauty of this ship.”

The words stir in Cav’s chest before they foam out of him.

“It’s a comfort. It’s a place where people can try things. Test their limits. Be themselves. That’s why there’s always a crowd to come aboard. That’s why we still stop at the islands that refuse us. Because there are people who need an escape, and the Indulgence gives them that. It gives us that.”

Heathen’s expression changes, looking over the deck like they’re seeing it with new eyes.

Cav’s voice softens. “This was the first ship that didn’t want me to hide some part of myself. Where I didn’t have to worry about how I dressed or what people noticed first. I could just exist.”

Heathen’s fingers flex. Cav may not be privy to the details of her history, but he’s always sensed a kinship between them. There’s a reason why a banshee would set out on their own, forgoing their religious order and all the rules that come with it.

After a moment, Heathen lets out a long breath. “I have not appreciated your wisdom enough, Cav.”

He scoffs. “Let’s not get carried away. I still failed this experiment.”

“Yes, but…” Heathen drums her fingers on the railing. “You’ve unearthed something that I hadn’t given enough thought to.” When she turns to him again, there’s a meaningful look in her eyes. “Let’s get to the end of our route, and we’ll figure out what happens next. Your venture still has merit.”

Cav leaves Heathen behind when he descends the gangplank. There’s no hiding the spring in his step, a brightness so light that it carries him easily toward the remaining crates…and Cypher. In his joyful mood, Cav hardly notices her. He picks up two crates and lugs them under each arm. Even his shoulder twinge can’t get to him now, but Cypher doesn’t let him get far. “We need to talk.”

“I’ll finish these up!” he calls over his shoulder. “There, see? You don’t even have to yell at me.”

He takes the supplies onboard, but when he makes his way back, Cypher’s still watching him with a somber expression. The crow perched on her shoulder looks even more grave.

“Gods, what?” Cav picks up another crate. “You’re looking at me like I’m dying.”

Cypher’s mouth sets into a thin line. “You’re not going to want to hear it.”

“So don’t tell me.” Cav carries another load onto the ship, an uneasy feeling creeping up his spine. The pain in his shoulder grows more insistent. He doesn’t know what Cypher has to say, but something is going on. Something real.

He hates that. No matter how fraught things are between them, Cypher would not bring something to him if she wasn’t certain of it. It’s clear his resistance is wearing on her. When he returns to the dock, she is primed to follow. “I do not enjoy this, ok? I know we have our differences, but we’re…”

She cuts herself short. That stops Cav. She doesn’t have to say it; he knows. They have been crammed onto the same ship for the last two years, spending nearly every day in each other’s orbit. When Cypher was knocked overboard, Cav jumped in without a second thought. When Cav’s healing wounds got infected, Cypher scoured three islands to find the medicine he needed. They are not two strangers in the same vicinity; they share a life, a bond forged on the Indulgence. Difficult as it may be, they care for each other.

He straightens slowly. “What is it?”