Page 114 of Her Sloth

I cry so much that I am catching up with years of tears that have been swallowed down, drowned in alcohol, and finally silenced by reckless driving.

It doesn’t matter how many times I wipe them away; there are just more coming. Until, eventually, there are just no more tears left. My lips crumble dryly, and my throat is sore as the last tears dry on my cheeks.

I take a deep breath in.

Close my eyes.

And somehow the world that has been crushing me every day ever since doesn’t feel as heavy anymore.

I am sitting in a truck in fucking L.A., and I can breathe again.

I hate warmth.

I hate nature.

I hate being anywhere else but New York.

But I don’t hate being here.

In the middle of nature, on the other side of the country, where it’s always warm, dragged here by Elise’s sister.

You can’t walk away from the real thing. You will know when it’s real. And when you know, you can’t walk away.

A smile appears on my face as I send a prayer from my heart up into the sky.

I am here because I cannot walk away.

I am here because I know it’s real.

I am here because I would lose anything for her.

With that, I put the letter back into the envelope and walk back to the open door leading to the Hollywood sign.

Addy stands in a circle with her family; they have beers in their hands and laugh together. She is telling a story to Lorie, but stops mid-sentence as her eyes meet mine.

A smile on her face.

A smile I will never forget for the rest of my life—shy at first, broadening into that radiant glow with her eyes.

I walk over to her.

She stretches out her hand.

I take it, and she pulls me into her, not asking a single question; she simply continues with her story with Lorie as if nothing had happened.

I love you, I tell her in my mind. And when the time is right, I will say it out loud.

29

AUDREY

PLAYLIST: DUSK TILL DAWN (FEAT. SIA) – ZAYN, SIA

“You smiled so much tonight,” she says after everyone has gone. We sit between bushes, and Cass leans against the letter L from the sign. I put my head on her lap as I lay down and look at the stars.

“It was nice,” I say.

“They’re good people,” she says, playing with my hair.