Page 24 of A Very Grumpy Chef

I climb out of bed and tug on my pajamas. Alec walks me out, and I wait for him to lock his apartment and walk me to mine.

“I’ll talk to you later,” he says, tipping my head to press a quick kiss to my lips.

“Later. Don’t work too hard!” I call after him as he jogs down the stairs.

I let myself into my apartment and go straight to my room. Stripping off, I rush through another shower. I have a lot to get through today, so I hustle as I dry off and get dressed. I write a quick grocery list before heading to the market.

I’m not brave enough yet to get real ingredients, so I stick to my usuals, filling my cart with cereal, milk, bread, yogurt, frozen pizza, and TV dinners. I add granola bars, grapes, and blueberries, then check out and return to my apartment.

I spend the rest of the day and into the evening cleaning my apartment, catching up on laundry, and getting organized for my photo shoots for this week. Once I’m done, I have nothing but time to think.

I glance at the clock. Alec still isn’t home, and it’s almost midnight. I wonder if it will always be like this.

I used to treasure my alone time, but now that I’ve met Alec, I kind of hate it. I want to spend more time with him. Not like twenty-four-seven, but more than an hour or two a week.

Could I be happy like this? I love being with Alec. He makes me feel beautiful and special and alive. He’s the first man I’ve ever been interested in. We have more in common than I thought we would, and it’s nice to have someone who seems to get me so completely.

When I pause and look around, though, I realize I feel… lonely. I might be falling in love with Alec—hell, I might already be in love with him—but I’m not sure we’re compatible.

I don’t want to be alone in my relationship. I don’t want to wait until well after midnight for him to get off work to talk to him if I’ve had a hard day. I don’t want to celebrate holidays or celebrations by myself because he’s at the restaurant.

And I can’t ask him to give up his passion to meet my needs.

Tears sting my eyes as I glance at the clock again. I should go to bed. Turning off the lights, I shuffle down the hallway to my bedroom. As I get ready for bed, I can’t help but think that this would be my life: going to bed alone every night.

When would we see each other? When would we go out on dates or have sex? Would I have to stay up until the early morning hours? Would he be too tired to do anything except pass out next to me?

A pit opens in my stomach because I know the answer to all those questions. That’s not the life that I want. I’ve been lying to myself my whole life, telling myself I prefer to be alone because I didn’t have another choice. I always knew deep down that my mother was never going to pick me. She was never going to be there for me or love me in the way I wanted to be loved.

I can’t cope with another person not putting me first, and I know at that moment what I have to do.

I need to end things with Alec, even if it means breaking my heart to pieces in the process.

It’s for the best, I tell myself as I roll onto my side and close my eyes.

As I try to fall asleep, I wonder if that’s another lie I’m telling myself.

10

Alec

I’ve been looking forward to seeing Coco all day. I have some exciting news that I hope doesn’t freak her out.

I’ve missed her so much the last two days, and it’s made me realize that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living for the restaurant and my career. I still love cooking, but I love Coco more. I need to see her, to spend my days with her, so I’ve been working on some changes.

I was hoping she’d come to the class early so we could hang out for a few minutes and talk, but she arrived right as I was starting the class.

She’s been behaving weirdly too—quiet, distant, avoiding my eyes. Now that I think about it, I didn’t hear from her earlier today or at all yesterday.

Is she avoiding me? Did I do something wrong?

I move to her table, hoping to catch her eye, to see her smile, to settle my growing unease, but she barely glances at me. She’s not saying much to Pearl either, which is strange. Pearl keeps shooting me questioning glances. I shrug at her. I’m not sure what I did either.

I stick close to her while I teach, but nothing changes. Coco never smiles at me; she barely looks in my direction. She’s clearly not focused either because she burns every single dish she touches to a crisp.

I’m plagued with nerves as I wrap up the class and dismiss everyone. My eyes are locked on Coco, but she doesn’t look at me. She seems to be in a rush, but she has to know that I won’t let her leave without talking to her.

I cut into her path before she can bolt, making her draw up short.