Page 49 of This Time Around

My mom was not a mom, not in the traditional sense. She made sure I had food, clothes, and a place to lay my head after a long day, but she wasn’t a mom. I was secondary to whichever man occupied her bed, so the Jennings became my found family.

To hear April say, “He’s my brother, B. I have to pick him,” stung with such a piercing force, I felt my DNA shift at that moment. Realization struck, as much as I see them as my family, that’s a coveted sentiment I have not truly earned the right to claim.

Our relationship is conditional, and this is something I am not sure I will ever truly unpack.

I hoped April would call, maybe if she’d text it would make her words sting less, but then again, why would she? Every turn I make is a misstep. I need to call her, be her friend again, not her brother’s girlfriend, but in my fragile state, I’m having a hard time finding the courage.

I have never felt so distant from her, even in the years we didn’t see each other. I hear a shuffling noise behind me, followed by something hitting the floor, and turn to see Luke standing next to his dropped bag.

“Morning, babe, you look exhausted.” I smile, walking over to him. The closer I get, the more noticeable the red rim around his eyes are. He looks up at me, tears in his eyes. Panic surges through me. “What happened?”

He doesn’t say a word, he just slides down the wall in silent sobs. Unsure what the fuck to do, I grab his phone from the floor next to him and start frantically looking through his texts and call log for any hint of what the fuck may have happened. When I come up empty-handed, I set the phone down and gently place his face between my hands and straddle him.

“Luke, what happened? Please, baby, please, please,” I chant.

After a few long breaths, he stutters, “The k-k-kid in the accident. It was my friend, DJ.”

He breaks into another sob as I try to put the pieces together in my mind. I remember hearing about his friend DJ when April and I were in high school. His mom was always worried when we went out. She never allowed us to drive ourselves to parties. One of April’s parents always took us and picked us up. DJ died in an accident on the way to a party when Luke was in high school. Even 12 years later, when April and I were in highschool, the loss still haunted his family. It was a long time ago, so I’m having a hard time putting the pieces together now. What is Luke talking about? What happened tonight that brought him back there?

“Luke, baby, what do you mean?” I wrap my arms around him and pull him into a hug.

A breath later, he responds. “The kid in the accident I was called to, he was with his friend, they got hit by a drunk driver, and fuck B, he looked exactly like DJ.”

My stomach churns and my heart clinches at his words. He was with DJ that night, in the car. This has to be tearing him apart. Resurfacing old wounds.

After several hours of Luke sitting in silence on the couch staring at the black screen of the tv he never turned on, I called his mom. Maggie will know what to do. She always does.

I have tried to comfort him in every way I know how. He cried while I held him, head in my lap, as we lay on the couch. I made him some hot tea and a snack. I even tried to talk to him about it, but he was unresponsive.

His mom came with his dad in tow a few minutes ago, and for reasons I don’t understand, now, with them, he’s got nothing but chatter on the brain. He told them everything, unloaded his feelings and thoughts in rapid fire.

I know it’s not fair of me to be upset right now. I know he’s grieving old wounds. Maybe it’s because my mom and I aren’t close, and I learned at a young age I couldn’t count on her, that I’m having a hard time understanding. I’m his girlfriend, I’ve known him for years, we love each other. I would have thought he would have needed me in this situation, at least to hold his hand, but it seems like all he really needed was his mom. That feeling is so foreign to me, but in all reality, if I needed a mom, I’d call Maggie too.

Trying to push my own feelings aside, I go to the kitchen and make us all something to eat.

“Lucas, you need to call and schedule an appointment with Ginger. Immediately,” I hear his dad state in a no bullshit tone. “This was hard on you the first time, and could easily spiral if you let it.”

“I know. I just, I have to make sure he’s ok. The kid. He has to be ok.” Luke stands from the couch and grabs his keys off the coffee table.

“I made you all something to eat.” I set the sandwiches and chips on the coffee table.

“I can’t eat, you guys enjoy. I’m going to go check on Adam.” He sighs, walking out the door, not listening to any of our pleas for him to stay.

I stare at the lean curves of his back, noting the tension in his muscles as he closes the door behind him. I wish there was something I could do to make it better.

Luke

Iwalk into the hospital deciding Blake was right, I need to eat something or I’m going to be sick.

Shit, she made me lunch, and I just ignored it and walked out.

When I get home, I’ll apologize. I know it seems ridiculous, but seeing this kid who looks like DJ was a punch in the gut. This wasn’t a reaction I ever expected at work. I’ve worked on so many hit and runs, accidents involving teens, many of them also involving drunk drivers and have never felt this way. Maybe it’s being back home, maybe it’s the circumstances of this accident, but above all else, I think it’s his face.

I stop at a cart in the lobby and grab a protein bar, and shovel it down on the elevator ride up. Deciding I can’t see his face again, I opt to talk with Adam’s nurses instead. I make my way over to the nurses’ station to find a tall brunette coming out of his room. I can see his mom, tired and defeated, in the door’s crack as the nurse closes it behind her.

Pulling out my ID, I greet her, “Hey, I’m Dr. Jennings. I work in the ER and treated him when he came in. I wanted to follow up on his injuries and see how he’s doing.”

She hands me the iPad in her hand containing his chart as she speaks. “He’s in terrible shape. He has a few broken ribs, causing his lung to collapse. And he has several broken bones, but the biggest concern right now is his kidney function. His creatinine is extremely low, and he has very little urine output. Doctors are meeting in a few minutes to come up with a plan.”