Page 78 of In Every Chapter

“We will, huh? I don’t recall being the one to cross the line last time.”

His tired smirk made my cheeks flush. He just had to bring up that night in the hotel room. I was the one who’d crossed the line. Now I just needed a big neon sign that said “Mind the gap.” Wait a second—

“You were asleep!” I squawked.

“Not quite.”

I opened my mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. What was I supposed to say to that? If death by embarrassment was possible, I was well on my way. I settled on, “I’ll keep to my side.”

He chuckled and eased back onto the bed. “Doesn’t bother me, love. But only if you’re comfortable.”

I’d be more comfortable if he put a shirt on and stopped looking at me so sweetly. Like I was his world. But I didn’t say that. Just waited for him to settle under the covers and click off the light.

The darkness was palatable but less oppressive. My body sank into the mattress, sleep tugging on my consciousness. Begging me to surrender.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Greyson asked after a few minutes.

I’d thought he’d fallen asleep again. But the dark made me braver so I whispered, “Do you ever have thoughts that feel too big to stay in your head?”

“Yeah,” he said, a weighty confession in that one word.

“Are they military thoughts? Stuff from what you went through?”

He was quiet for a minute. “Some of them. You never truly forget everything you witness. The friends you lose. The hundreds of ways you wish things could have happened differently.”

I knew the feeling. My brain liked to pounce on situations and run a hundred hypothetical scenarios to prepare me for any given situation. And then run all the ways I could have handled the circumstances differently once I got through them.

“And the other thoughts?” I pressed.

“I think a lot about you. About us. Where we are now. Where we were. Where we’re going.”

“Those are some big thoughts,” I rasped, my heart doing strange fluttery flops. Was that even medically possible? Pretty sure heart murmurs were a problem. Maybe I should get that checked out.

“What’s crowding your head tonight?”

“You mean, this morning?” I tried to joke.

“Pais.” He made my name a soft caress, hanging between us.

“Some of my foster homes. The times I was sent back to my mom when she cleaned up her act, only to be shuffled back to another home when Child Services was involved again. How many times I was hungry. Meeting Jared . . .” I trailed off because it felt weird to talk about my former husband while lying in bed with my current one.

“There’s a black hole inside me.” I shifted slightly, feeling braver in the dark, so I could look at him. Or where he would be if I could see him. “Every time I catch a glimmer of the past seven years, it’s snatched away. I want . . .” The pain sharpened in my chest, and I struggled to suck in a breath. “I just want to remember.”

“I know,” he said softly. “That’s what I’m praying for. So hard.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Any words I might say felt paltry and like I might just start crying. So instead I said, “Is this really appropriate?”

“What exactly?”

“You and me. In bed.”

“We’re married, Pais.”

“I know you say that, but I just . . .” I twisted my wedding band, the motion settling me. “The not-remembering part has me feeling like I’m messing up.”

Greyson shifted beside me, reaching out till his fingers traced over my cheek in the dark. “We’re married before God, man, and state. I promise, there’s nothing wrong with this.”

“Man and wife,” I mused softly.