Page 71 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Ah, well. That sounds good, then. I’m glad Tadhg is keeping you busy.”

“Oh, he’s been keeping me busy, all right.”

“What does that mean?”

Holy fucking shit! You just said that out loud, you moron!

“Oh, you know. He’s strict about his schedules, you know.” Good save.

“Is that so? And what was on the schedule today, then?” Oh, God, he knows. Does he know? He knows! Quick, fix it!

“Oh, well, you know, we were at Orla and Bill’s, and they did an interview last night, and that was amazing, and have you ever had Orla’s mashed potatoes? I mean, I think I saw God, Jackie, they are really something else. Do you like mashed potatoes, because I do! And did you know they also like dogs? They gave Finn a sausage. Two sausages, I think! And she was the happiest I’ve ever seen—” My words were pouring out. I couldn’t stop them. This is normal, right? I wasn’t even listening to the word diarrhea dribbling out of me anymore. Tadhg took his eyes off the road then, in the middle of a storm, and turned his head all the way around like in The Exorcist to look at me acting like a clown. I gulped and stopped.

“Right. But that was yesterday, though, was it not?”

“Oh. Yeah. It was. Today we . . .” Fucked each other into the next dimension. “We did . . .” Each other. Say each other. NO! Don’t say that! “Got into a storm.”

“A storm, you say? Did you get wet?”

Oh.

My.

God.

I choked out the laugh of textbook hysteria and then started coughing. Don’t be such a damn pervert! What’s the damn matter with you?

“We did! We did get wet from the water rain!”

“Hm.” Oh, God. That was a bad sound. A knowing sound.

“It’s true! What? You don’t believe me? We even got trapped in a cave.” I laughed nervously.

Jackie got very quiet for a minute or so, and I swallowed so loudly that people could hear it in the next county.

“What cave would that be, Maya?” His voice. It was different. I couldn’t tell you how it was different. But I heard something.

“Oh, you know. Just some . . . some old cave. Why don’t I pass you to Tiger? He’s. I mean! Tadhg. Your son Tadhg. Pfft—I don’t usually call him Tiger or anything weird. Because that would be weird. Weird alert! Ha ha ha. That was just a slip of the tongue.” He’s pretty great at slipping his tongue right across my . . . “Here!” I literally shouted. “He really wants to talk to you!”

“Maya. I’m driving.” Tadhg sounded annoyed.

“Oh. He’s driving right now. We’re in the car. Or Jeep or whatever. I mean, you know what your son drives. It’s. He’s driving that now. Here—I’ll put you on speakerphone.”

I leaned up from the back and held the phone out between the two front seats. If this didn’t work, I was going to make the static noise over the phone with my mouth and then hang up. And then light my phone on fire and throw it off a cliff. And then at the bottom of that cliff there would be a wood chipper. And that wood chipper would grind up my phone into tiny little—

“Hi, Da.” Tadhg shot a glance at me. It did not, I’m sure the whole world will be surprised to hear, look like a happy one.

“Ah, now, there’s my beautiful boy.”

To this, Tadhg said nothing.

“How’s the trip going, then?”

“Fine.”

I swallowed again, and it was like choking down a mouthful of hot sand. My mouth was dry. My whole body was in panic mode.

“Tomorrow is a big day, now, remember. You’ve got four dates to get to and the entire Ring of Kerry to see. Doesn’t that sound nice for you, Maya?”