Page 34 of Experiments in Offline Dating
“Wait. What? Was he hot?”
I sighed down the line hard enough to blow her hair back. “Fuck, Simone. You wouldn’t believe this guy.”
“Really? Send me a pic!”
“I don’t have a pic. No more apps, remember? Just an image of his furious, scowling face burned into my memory for all time.”
“That sounds kinda hot, actually.”
“It was.”
“Forearms?”
“As thick as a leg.” “Shit.”
“Yeah. He was like . . . basically what I imagine Xaden Riorson to look like.”
“No way. You know, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard you gush about a guy’s looks before. Except Alan Rickman.”
“Sigh. I love you forever, Alan Rickman.” I blew a kiss to the ceiling.
“Well, how can you see him again? Can we get him on the show?”
“Shut up, Simone.”
“I’m serious!”
“You can’t be. No, we cannot get him on the show, Simone. Because he openly hates me, and I accused him of having sex with his sheep!”
“You said that?”
“I thought we were doing a thing! Just. Can we move past this, please?”
“Why do you insist on tormenting me, Maya?”
“You know why. It’s because of that one time you made me watch The Breakfast Club when I was hungover and it was the worst nine thousand hours of my whole life.”
“That was two years ago! Get over it.”
“Never!”
“You’re such a monster.”
“You love it.”
“Yeah. I do. Well, I’d better get some sleep. My dad just got back from Portugal, and I’m driving to his in the morning. When are you going to do the Jackie Kelly interview?”
“Tomorrow. Can’t wait.”
“Oo. Me neither. Try not to insult him beyond repair, will you?”
“I mean . . . I’ll try, but I think you and I both know that I can’t make any promises.”
THAT DAY, JACKIE surprised me with a delicious home-cooked lunch. He also surprised me by inviting over three men to battle across the roast chicken for my hand in marriage. The three men, I was alarmed to discover, were brothers. All single. All looking for a wife. They also fought over the potatoes, and the pie, and whose turn it was to drive home, so I didn’t allow myself to be too flattered.
When Jackie asked me which one I liked best, I told him it was the chicken.
Conclusion: date unsuccessful.
