Page 24 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Well, go ahead and throw that beet pulp out before they swallow you whole.”

I did as told and they went running. “Do they ever walk anywhere? Or are they one speed only?”

Jackie laughed and offered a hand to pull me up. “Want to go and meet the ponies? I’ve brought some apples.”

“Oh my God. Yes!”

“So, animals make you happy, that’s plain enough to see. What else makes you happy, Maya?”

Ooph. Right back in there with the interview questions. He didn’t waste time, I’d give him that.

“Hm. Well. I love to read. Especially books that are full of magic and love and chaos and adventure, where I can tag along for all of that from the comfort of my pajamas. I like to knit—it keeps my hands busy and seems like a practical way to stim. I knitted this ugly thing, actually, but it’s old—I’m much better at sweaters now. What else? I love my job. It’s tons of fun! Swimming makes me happy. Oh, I’m obviously obsessed with cats, but we talked about that already. Also, this is a new one, but I think I like the countryside! The quiet buzz of nature, instead of the usual cityscape, is really doing something for me. It’s peaceful here. Feels wholesome. Like I can recharge. And there are animals instead of a ton of people. I like that.”

“You don’t like loads of people, then?”

“Not really. Animals don’t expect anything from you but scratches and snacks. But people can make me uneasy.”

“Tell me a little bit about that.”

“It’s difficult for me to find people I’m truly comfortable with. That can come with time, I seldom make it that far. Particularly with dating. I would need someone I could get out of my protocol with and stop constantly second-guessing my behavior every step of the way.”

“What do you mean ‘protocol’?”

“Oh. Well. I’ve developed a best-practices protocol for pretty much all potentially difficult or awkward human interactions.”

He studied me. “I wish I had something like that!” He smiled. “How does it work?”

“It was a tactic my parents encouraged when I was a kid, and I just sort of internalized it over time. Having rules for engagement gives me structure and confidence. Like an instruction manual that helps me navigate through confusing interactions with a lower probability of offending someone or misrepresenting myself or making things needlessly complicated. If I get that wrong, I make amendments and try again. Sort of like an experiment.”

He gave this some thought. I could see I’d surprised him. “Does that work for you?”

“It does, for the most part. Sometimes I don’t even think much about it. Other times I think way too much about it. And while it can save me from conflict or awkward situations, worrying about it and trying to follow the rules can burn me out. But yes, usually it’s a big help. Most people tell me that they didn’t notice that I’m autistic.”

His eyebrows raised. This was news to him as well, I supposed. “And how does this . . . protocol, was it, work with dating?”

“Unfortunately, that’s where the system totally fails me. I have yet to find a protocol that works for dating. That’s why I started experimenting for my blog and then my podcast, to collect data, to try to crack the code—at least for me. But it hasn’t worked. I have made and remade and amended my dating protocol so many times that it makes my head spin! I used to have a clear, regimented playbook with set questions, etcetera, but results were conclusively unsuccessful—horrible, really. Far too many uncontrollable variables. Results improve marginally when I improvise instead of following strict parameters, but without the user manual, I get flustered! That’s why I brought in experts for the podcast, but the results have been, well, conclusively bad. Hilariously bad. We-need-to-do-science-about-this bad!”

I laughed to break the tension, but he just smiled softly and waited.

“My stats and experience tell me that humans are far more unpredictable when it comes to dating. There are too many outside influences—social expectations, nerves, dopamine, immune systems, pheromones if they exist, earlobes, direction of hair whorls, reproduction, life goals, and socioeconomics. Much of this is still poorly understood by science.”

I was babbling. I stopped for a moment in case he wanted to say something, but when he just nodded, I went on and filled in the quiet.

“To complicate matters further, when it comes to romance and attraction, people often don’t know their own minds. We don’t like people that we should, we do like people that we shouldn’t. We use ambiguous terms like ‘sparks’ and ‘fireworks’ and ‘the ick’ to explain feelings that we have no explanation for. This is why I find romance, and the phenomenon of falling in love, so fascinating to observe and study. But it’s also why my protocols don’t work—far too many uncontrollable variables.”

“To observe and study? But not to be a part of?”

“Hasn’t happened yet!” I laughed. “If numbers mean anything, and they do, after twenty years of countless failed dates—it is more statistically probable that I will be eaten by a crocodile than fall in love.”

“And that doesn’t upset you? All of these unsuccessful dates? Your feelings don’t get hurt?”

“Nope!” I smiled. Not just anyone could do my job and enjoy it. That was something I was proud of. “When I was younger, I took it more personally, but people kept telling me that finding love was all a ‘numbers game,’ so I decided to treat it that way. I guess looking at this as an experiment instead of fifty-two failed dates a year cuts the emotions right out of it. If I’m honest, I’m not really sure that I’m even capable of falling in love. The more I test it, the more I’m sure that I just don’t have the right parts for it. You know what I mean?”

He tilted his head. “I’m not sure I do, Maya. Explain it to me.”

“So, my brain and body react differently to stimuli than most other people’s. I’ve learned to accept and appreciate that. I think it’s likely that those feelings of falling in love and the mental and chemical responses to that emotion that other people get—the fear, the joy, the excitement, euphoria, jealousy—I’ve been told it feels like wanting to be with someone every second of the day, and if you’re not with them, you’re thinking of them or talking someone’s ear off about them. I just don’t think I’m like that. I’m not a very emotional person. And all of my efforts and experiments haven’t brought me any closer to those feelings; if anything, they’ve brought me further away. I think it’s highly likely that I will never fall in love, and furthermore, that I am not capable of that kind of love.”

We walked in silence for a bit, our wellies swooshing against the tall grass. Jackie’s brow creased, but he didn’t say anything.