Page 39 of Check You Out

Excuse. Excuse. I need an excuse. Something urgent. Think Aidan, think. “I need to walk my dog. He has a small bladder. Sorry, maybe some other time.” Before she can say anything else, I’m already out the door and clattering down the stairs to the alleyway behind the bookstore.

There’s a part of me that’s hoping she comes running after me, her golden-brown waves flying behind her like a banner. In my fantastical daydream, she catches up to me, calling out my name and her chest heaving from the exertion. I mumble an apology, and she says something like, “Don’t, now kiss me.” I take her head in my hands before claiming her mouth with mine.

But Charlotte doesn’t come running after me, and I walk home alone.

When I get home, I find Xander sitting at his desk, hunched over his keyboard in what we call “dev mode”. He’s so focused on the glowing screen that he doesn’t hear me step into the bedroom that we’ve converted into our shared work/gaming space. It’s really just two desks on opposite sides of the room, with multiple bookshelves filled with various video game memorabilia belonging to both of us. He jumps as I tap his shoulder and lets out a yelp.

“Fucking hell!” he cries and clutches his hand to his chest. “A little warning would be nice.”

“How did you not hear me come up the stairs?”

He gestures to my legs. “I don’t know. You’re like super quiet.”

I cross my arms and lean against my desk. “Sorry. It’s been a bit of a weird night, and I haven’t been so focused on how loud, or not loud I am.”

He raises an eyebrow that demands I tell him, so I do. I tell him all about Book Club and my panic attack, and my almost kiss with Charlotte. His brows rise even higher with each twist and turn of the story, but he doesn’t say anything.

At the end, this motherfucker has the nerve to laugh at me. He fucking laughs. But it’s not just a good-natured chortle or a soft chuckle. It’s a full-on belly laugh, complete with tears and I assume sore ribs. I scowl at him the entire time until he finally wipes his eyes. I take his stuffed Pikachu and throw it at him. He catches it with an oof while Gromit and Lloyd watch us with intense curiosity.

“You are such an idiot,” Xander finally says. “Do you realize that?”

My brows knit together. “What do you mean?”

“No woman says, ‘fuck it’ and leans in toward you with the intention of doing something innocent.” He nods with a grin. “She was planning on climbing you like a tree.”

“I’m not that tall,” I remark. “Also, you don’t climb people.”

“It means that she wants to kiss you. She’s not going to actually climb you.”

“Then why were things so awkward?” I ask. “Why can’t she just say that she wants to kiss me, and we can just live happy ever after?”

“Why can’t you?” he inquires, and crosses his arms around Pikachu, hugging him close to his chest. “Isn’t that what we’ve been working toward? You asking her out?” He waits for me to reply.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Xander throws Pikachu at me, and I catch it before putting it back on the shelf. “She likes you, and yet you’re denying it.”

I hold up my arms. “You’re joking. Why would she like me? I’m a fucking mess. I’m not actually a person, but three raccoons in a trench coat.” I take off my glasses and rub my face with my hands.

“Dude, you’re not a mess.” He frowns.

“I had a fucking panic attack in front of her. She didn’t even flinch. She asked me, ‘can I do anything?’ I mean the last time I had a panic attack in front of someone, Logan flipped out and we broke up.”

Xander tilts his head to the side. “You said that you guys broke up because he moved to New York.”

I shrug. “He came back, apologized, and we made up. But still, it scared me enough that I have a strict ‘no panic attacks in front of partners’ rule.”

“I see.” He lets out a huff. “Look, Charlotte likes you, and you’re too much of an idiot to realize it, or too self-conscious. She’s given you the green light, now go for it.” He grabs his headphones and jerks his thumb toward his computer. “Can I get back to work now? I’ve got shit to do.”

I gesture to my desk. “You ok with me being in here?” The only thing that might calm me right now is a run up the Volcano Dungeon in search of Cinder Shards.

He replies with a grunt and retreats to his developer cave.

I put on my headphones, load up Stardew Valley, and I’m about to set off to Ginger Island from Pelican Town when my phone vibrates.

Charlotte: Did you get home ok?

I study the glowing screen for a few seconds, trying to decipher the hidden meaning of the text. Is she trying to see if I actually had to walk the dog? Or is she genuine in her inquiry over my safety?