Page 169 of When In Doubt

“Then maybe you need to let go.”

“Let go how?”

“You’ve just lost your best friend. It’s brought up everything from your dad. There’s no shame in admitting that you need more time to come to terms with everything.”

“But, then who’ll⁠—”

“It doesn’t matter. That’s not your problem.”

I open my mouth to protest, but she’s a step ahead of me.

“It’s not. And maybe you’ll be ready in the future, but it doesn’t have to be now. You’re still so young, you’ve got time.”

I sit with her words. I don’t want to admit that she’s right. I just don’t think I can do it this time. I picture the crew, what they’ll think of me. They’ve already seen me have a breakdown, if I step down now, how will they ever trust me again?

But what if I’m letting my ego get in the way of what’s best? If I’m not able to do the job, then surely I need to be honest about it. I’m suddenly exhausted. I wipe my face, blinking away the last of my tears. “I just miss them so much.”

She strokes a thumb under my cheek, catching the last of the moisture there. “I know, so do I.”

I see mom’s phone light up on the coffee table, it’s a text from Freya.

“What if I’ve fucked that up?”

Mom chuckles. “You two have got something special. It’s going to take more than one missed dinner to mess it up.”

I nod. “I should go over there.” They’re probably close to being done with dinner. I need to talk to her, to make things right.

“Don’t be afraid to show her all of you. She loves you, you’re not gonna scare her off.”

“I’ll try.”

Chapter Fifty-Five

FREYA

“Ithink you need to roll me home,” Luci groans as we turn the corner toward the apartment.

“I don’t think ‘all you can eat Tiramisu’ was supposed to be a threat.”

“You saw his face!” She laughs. “He didn’t think I could handle it, I had to prove him wrong.”

I look over at her. “Yeah, you really showed him,” I say dryly.

“I regret nothing.”

I feel my eyes getting heavy. I feel terrible. Luci was trying so hard to make this a good night, but I couldn’t stop worrying about Oscar. At least he’s with Valerie, I know he’s okay. “I think I’m just going to go to bed when we get back.” I yawn.

Luci stops, her shoes scuffing against the sidewalk. “Yeah, I don’t know if you are.” I turn to her and she nods towards the steps to my front door.

His face is cast in shadows, form lit only by the streetlight, but I’d recognize him anywhere. Oscar sits hunched on the bottom step, arms draped across his knees.

“Do you want me to get rid of him?” Luci asks quietly, leaning into my side.

“No.” Of course not. Never.

She takes ahold of my hand. “Okay, you want to talk to him inside or out here?”

“Inside,” I reply. I don’t know why I’m so nervous, it’s just Oscar. I literally saw him last night. But things feel different now.