Page 158 of When In Doubt

Luci’s standing from the couch and is staring at him with a frown. At least I’m not the only one seeing how weird he’s acting.

“Oscar, what’s going on?” I reach out and touch his fingers. They’re freezing. He grabs hold of my hand, squeezing tight.

“Sorry.” He sighs. “Sorry, just a long day.”

I’ve seen Oscar after a long day—this isn’t that. “Here, let’s go to my room.” I lead him toward the door. He stops suddenly when he sees Luci.

“Oh, hi.” He steps away from me and reaches out a hand. Luci hesitates for a second, looking at me with wide eyes before she closes the gap and accepts his handshake. “You must be Luci. I’m Oscar.”

“Yeah, hi, it’s good to meet you.”

He carries on shaking her hand for way longer than he needs to, until I tug on the back of his shirt. “Let’s go,” I whisper, giving Luci an apologetic glance. She waves me away and settles back on the couch as I pull Oscar into the quiet of my bedroom. I steer him toward the bed, pushing on his shoulders until he sits down on the edge, me positioned between his knees. We’ve been in this position before, but it’s a pale imitation of the last time. There’s nothing soft about it, only the icy fear creeping through me as I watch him.

“Oscar,” I whisper. He falls forward, like he can’t hold himself up anymore. His forehead drops to my sternum and his arms loop loosely around my legs. I run my fingers through his hair, massaging from his temples down through the back of his neck.

“I’m okay,” he mumbles.

“You don’t have to be.” I don’t know what to say to him, how to help.

“I’m just tired.”

“Okay, baby.” I dip down to kiss the crown of his head. “Do you want to go to sleep?” I offer. It’s a pitiful suggestion, but I don’t know what else I can do. Maybe in the morning, we can start to figure this out, once the fog’s cleared a bit.

He takes a minute, rocking his head back and forth and grinding it into my stomach. “I’m fine.”

I brush my fingers against his cheeks. I don’t know what’s happening to him and it’s terrifying me. He’s never like this, he’s always been so steadfast. To see him starting to crumble is unlike anything I’ve experienced, but I think he needs it. I’m surprised this hasn’t happened already.

“I just need a minute. You should go hang out with your friend.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t want to ruin your night.”

“You’re not ruining anything, Oscar.”

“I wanted to make a good impression.” His grip around my leg tightens and I stumble a little as he brings me closer. “She’s gonna think I’m rude.”

“She’s not going to think anything. Luci won’t mind.”

“I’m sorry.”

I can’t take this anymore. I slide forward, climbing fully into his lap where I can grab his face and force him to look up at me. The look in his eyes guts me. There are tears gathering along his lash line, waiting, but stubbornly refusing to fall. He looks completely shattered. What has he seen tonight? I’m tempted to call the station, to see if they can tell me anything, but I know that he wouldn’t want that.

I think all I can do right now if to be here for him, the same way he’s always shown up for me.

“Oscar, please talk to me.” I rest my forehead against his. “Tell me what’s happening.”

I feel his sigh against my throat, a long, resigned breath. “I should go.”

“You don’t need to go.” I’m practically clinging to his neck, hoping I can keep him here. My heart thrashes against my ribs at the thought of him walking out that door right now. I don’t know why, but I have the awful feeling that if he goes, he won’t come back.

“I do.” His hands come to my waist and he lifts me off him, so carefully it almost makes me cry. “I don’t want you to have to deal with me like this.”

“Oscar, please.” I’m sprawled on the bed as he stands and straightens his coat. “I just want to help.”

“It’s not fair of me to show up like this.”

I scramble up, putting myself between him and the door. “Please, I want you here no matter how you’re feeling. I love you. I just want to be here for you.”