Page 140 of When In Doubt

She shuffles closer and I snag her hand, tugging her close enough to grip her hips and press her against me. “Look at you,” I murmur against her lips, right before taking them in a slow kiss. Fuck, the taste of her. I’ll never be able to get enough of this. I’ll go to my grave dreaming of one last brush of her mouth. She gives as good as she gets, the strokes of her tongue matching mine as I lick into her.

Eventually, she pulls away with a huff of air. When she takes in my face, a sheepish grin steals over her expression. “You got some…” She trails off, gesturing toward my face, where I’m sure her ever-present red lipstick has made a real sight out of me. Somehow, there’s only the tiniest smudge at the edge of her Cupid’s bow that I swipe away with the tip of my finger. I run the back of my hand over my mouth, raising my eyebrows in question.

“Good?” I ask.

“Not quite.” She smirks and I pull out my phone to properly assess the damage. Hell, she’s made a complete mess of me. Red stains smear the tip of my nose, my chin. How did she manage that? I do my best to rub the evidence away, though a part of me loves having her mark on my skin, like she’s staking a claim.

“Sit down, you little terror.” I coax her to sit on the blanket and take the spot beside her. She stretches out her long legs, face tipped up to enjoy the warmth of the sun. I join her, pulling off my shirt and leaning back on my hands.

“When were you last here?” she asks, not looking at me.

I grab a sandwich from one of the Tupperware I packed and thrust it towards her. She takes it, eyeing me carefully. She knows exactly what I’m doing. She takes a bite, letting me have a second.

How is it that she can cut right to it without even trying? I know that it’s what I wanted when we came up here, but now, faced with actually opening my mouth and saying it, I don’t know if I can.

“I haven’t been here since he died,” I say hoarsely. “Since, well… since the day he died, actually.”

I hear Freya’s intake of breath, but I don’t turn to look at her. I’m not sure I can. Not before I get this out. “He, uh… we were out in the boat and he started getting this headache. It all happened so fast, and he was suddenly lying in the bottom while I was trying to get us back to the beach, but I couldn’t row us fast enough.”

It hits me again like a flood. Fucking hell, why did I think that was a good idea? I want to double over with the force of it, but I feel Freya moving closer, her cool hand cupping the back of my neck, keeping me grounded. “Oscar, baby,” she whispers. “God, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.” She strokes her thumb across my skin, waiting until I’m ready to talk again.

“It was a stroke,” I choke out. I just need to finish. “I should have… I mean, I’ve got all this training, but I couldn’t…”

“No, no, no,” she says, cupping my cheeks and turning my face to hers. I didn’t realize a tear had escaped until she wipes it away. “You can’t think like that, there’s nothing you could have done.”

“What if I missed something? There might have been signs, but I was so fucking busy with work, I just…” I hadn’t seen my dad much in the weeks leading up to it, I’d been so focused on work and trying to climb the ranks as fast as possible. I let everything else fade into the background.

“Oscar, you have to stop torturing yourself. Your dad wouldn’t want you to be thinking like this.”

I let my head fall forward, the fight going out of me. I bury my face in Freya’s hair and revel in her comfort as she strokes my back, whispering gentle words into my ear. I let the weight of everything I’ve been holding flow out of me, knowing I can let her take some of it, even if it’s just for a little while.

“Fuck.” I sniff, finally feeling like I can come up for air. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for today to turn into such a downer.”

“Don’t apologize,” she says sternly. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

I nod, even though I don’t know how much I really feel it.

“Do you want to go?” she asks. “We don’t have to be here if it’s going to make you feel like this.”

“No.” I rub a hand over my face, clearing away the last of my tears. “I want to stay. I used to love this place so much, and I want to be able to feel that again.”

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Alright, then.” She rubs her thumb over the apple of my cheek and I smile into her touch, the feeling of her soft hands on me clearing away any lingering shadows. I brought Freya here to make some good memories, to help reclaim the place that had once been my safe space.

She leans forward, her lips taking mine in a slow kiss. I can’t stop myself from deepening it, my arms wrapping around her waist like a life buoy.

I know she’s not ready to say it back to me, but I love her so fucking much. I’m not in a hurry, I’m in this for the long game.

She breaks away, her eyes glinting. “Come on.” She stands, pulling me up with her and then we’re running towards the water. I have to laugh—it’s like something out of a cheesy movie—but the joy coming off of Freya is infectious. She so rarely lets herself loose like this, and it’s a privilege to see.

We make it until the water is up to our knees before Freya squeals, pulling her hand from my grip. I turn to her, seeing her face twisted in a grimace.

“What?” I reach for her, taking her elbows. “What is it?”

“Oh my God, you asshole!” She leaps away from me, the water splashing as she jumps around. “How is it this cold?”