Page 135 of When In Doubt
She mutters something I don’t catch, then clearer she says, “well, I suppose it was a blessing in disguise.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, letting out my deepest fear. “Mom, I don’t think I would have left. He could have kept hurting me for as long as he wanted, and I would have let him.”
She sniffs and I can picture her straightening her shoulders. “That’s not true.”
“I was so confused, I thought he loved me.”
“You wouldn’t have stayed.
“How can you know that?”
“I raised you for twenty-seven years, I know you. You’ve always known your own mind, even if it takes you longer to get there.”
“But, Mom—”
“Listen to me. You refused to go back to girl scouts when those girls were picking on you, you went out and got that gift shop job, and even when you were nervous, you moved across the country! You’ve always known what you wanted your life to look like. And I know that this was different, it was abuse, but you would have gotten there.” I’ve heard it before from Oscar and Luci, but somehow from my mom, I’m able to finally let some of it soak through.
“Mom, if I’ve always known what I wanted, then why did you always try to stop me?” I ask quietly.
“What do you mean?”
I have to clear my throat, my voice drying up.
“You never wanted me to go anywhere, you thought that I couldn’t do anything by myself.”
“I never thought that.” She sounds bewildered.
“That’s what it felt like.”
“I was always just trying to support you. I wanted to help.” She says it slowly, the same line she’s always used, but this time I wonder if she’s just trying to convince herself.
“You wanted me to keep living in the annex forever.”
“Of course I didn’t! But I didn’t want to push you if you weren’t ready.” After a pause she says, “is that why you went to Colorado? Did you want to get away from me?”
“No!” I protest, but she isn’t entirely wrong. “I needed a new start, I needed some space to try and find myself.”
“You couldn’t do that here?” She sounds so hurt and it crushes me, but I know I did the right thing.
“I don’t think so.”
“God, Freya. I didn’t realize that I was making you feel that way.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“It doesn’t make it right.”
I chew on the edge of my fingernail, not knowing what to say.
“You have to know. Even if I haven’t always understood you, I’ve always loved you,” she says gently.
“I know that, and I love you too.” I’ve never doubted it, even when it felt stifling, she’s always been on my side.
“I promise to try and listen more, I’ll try and show it the way you need.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
Chapter Forty-Three
