Page 198 of The Last Guardian

She was death.

And according to his own experience, and that of the other members of the Six, between death and life, death always prevailed. It took root in the core of the universe. For that reason, they had chosen to kill her.

But Zaidkiel realized that, even when death bound them together, Alyana had been the only one to make him feel alive. Alyana wasn’t just pure darkness. Nor pure light. But the perfect mix between the two.

Zaidkiel’s thoughts wandered to the Order… How would they react when they learned that the Nur’thraa was still alive? None of them knew the Nur’thraa’s true identity.

Only him and Arthur.

Zaidkiel had kept the secret of her true nature the entire time in Lorath. But when he had rescued her in the King’s Wood, when he knew he couldn’t kill her… He had had to come clean with Arthur—because Arthur, as a member of the Six, had also voted for the Nur’thraa’s death.

Arthur had learned the truth about who the Nur’thraa was only when Zaidkiel had taken her aboard the ship. Zaidkiel had sent the letter the same night.

The truth about Alyana, who she was.

And a few days after, when she had woken up, Arthur had sent a letter in return.

Fuck, Zaidkiel had had to find a way to hide more than half of the letter because of all the information Arthur had given inside. But she’d been so alone… so sad.

Zaidkiel had wanted to leave her with a hope to cling to, wanted her to see the handwriting of her brother… to have enough trust in Arthur to trust Zaidkiel back.

Because he wasn’t going to kill her, and for that, he needed to prepare her for her destiny, to initiate her. Initially, Zaidkiel had hoped to begin the Initiation once they all returned to Lys, after Arthur and Alyana were reunited.

It would have been easier to let her brother do it…

Arthur could have helped her with the Rite, too. Only the Oralys and the Six were authorized to perform this.

But with what Eirlys had said about the other darker possibilities of finding her memories… and with Alyana, who was so desperate…

It had broken something inside of him. Even then.

Zaidkiel could have told her the truth at that moment… But if she had decided to leave, he would have been forced to kill her. Before someone tried to use her… Someone like Haedeon and the other High Mages. Humans were easy to manipulate, which was why Haedeon had stayed in Vallen for so long. He, too, had felt something different about Alyana when they met.

Still, how did Haedeon find out who Alyana was? Had he reached the Oralys? They were the only ones with access to the sacred text…

Haedeon’d watched Alyana closely for years, biding his time before approaching her. Zaidkiel wondered about the man Alyana had been close to… Nevan, if he recalled correctly. Piece of shit was more appropriate. The night Zaidkiel found that asshole assaulting her in the garden… His glass shattered in his hand at the thought.

Zaidkiel couldn’t control himself that night. Fucking Hells, he was supposed to kill her and yet… he had saved her. Somehow, the asshole had escaped when Zaidkiel had lain Alyana to the ground to ease her fall.

Fuck, he could have burned the world when he saw her unconscious.

Zaidkiel had lain her on the grass, gently, like she was the fucking world. Something had urged him to stay with her. But he couldn’t.

So Zaidkiel returned to the ballroom and found Arthur dancing with Alyana’s friend, Lyra. Told him that his sister had fainted in the garden and needed help.

Instead of killing Alyana, Zaidkiel had followed that son of a bitch who was going to rape her against a fucking greenhouse. The benefit of being one of the High Assassins was the experience it brought. Zaidkiel moved with the darkness.

He had followed Nevan to the last wing of the castle.

Haedeon’s wing.

Zaidkiel couldn’t risk the High Mage seeing him there, in Lorath. It would have compromised everything. But Zaidkiel had understood… Nevan worked for Haedeon.

Whether willingly or not, he worked for him.

Zaidkiel had hoped to find Alyana’s memories of Nevan, too. It was also why he had proposed to help her at the beginning. He didn’t know she had forgotten, but he had hoped to find some information through her Initiation…

Because, even though it was sure that Nevan had abused her, Nevan had also used her in another way…