Page 65 of The Affairs of Ashmore Castle

‘There’s so much to do. Always so much to do.’

‘The boulder?’ she said. It was how he had once described the responsibility of the inheritance – a boulder he must push for ever uphill, like Sisyphus.

‘The boulder,’ he agreed. He seemed pleased she had remembered. A little warmth started up in the air between them. ‘It doesn’t get easier. But one gets used to it.’

‘You can get used to anything,’ she said. She didn’t mean it to, but it sounded bleak.

Bleak enough to affect him. ‘Oh, God,’ he said, and his controlled expression seemed to break up like water hitting a rock. ‘Nina!’

She quailed before his need. She read in his eyes all he wanted to do. It was late, the whole house was asleep, it would be so easy . . . The flame wavered as the candlestick shook in her hand. She put out her free hand and laid it on his. His was warm, with the strong warmth of a man, of life. Her fingers were cold from holding the damp glass.

He looked at her desperately. If he hadn’t been hampered by carafe and candle, he would have taken her in his arms. Providence alone had saved him. ‘Are you happy?’ he asked. He wanted to say, ‘With that old man?’ but just had the sense not to.

She thought about it a long time. What to tell him, in this fragile, hopeless moment?

‘No,’ she said at last. ‘But not unhappy, not really. Life is . . .’ She couldn’t think how to end that sentence, and stopped.

‘Life is full of disappointments,’ he finished for her, at last.

She nodded. ‘Yes.’

‘I want to touch you,’ he said.

‘I know.’

‘But I can’t.’

‘I know.’

He looked down at the carafe he was holding, as if he didn’t understand how it had got there. With an effort, he said, ‘I’ll fill this for you. And leave it outside your door.’

She saw he was looking at her hand touching his, and removed it, releasing him. He turned and went downstairs. She went back to her room, got into her slightly damp bed. Hours later, it seemed, he tapped lightly on her door, to let her know he was leaving her carafe there. She didn’t get up to fetch it for a long time. She felt a thousand years old.