Page 64 of The Secrets of Ashmore Castle

She couldn’t remain where she was, with the danger that someone would join her. She felt she simply could not bear to talk to anyone else just then. She put down her cup and plate, and drifted casually away. The orangery was likely to be empty at this time of day, and if anyone came in, it would not raise eyebrows that she should choose to wander there alone to refresh herself.

It was empty, and she walked between the pots and plantings, breathing the intense scents of damp earth, moss, gardenia and orange blossom. Her mind was tense with trouble but her thoughts were completely locked and wordless. She couldn’t even think what it was she wanted to think about. And before she’d had the chance to sort it out, she heard footsteps approaching, and felt almost tearful at being interrupted. But then the hair stood up on the back of her neck and she turned to see Lord Stainton.

‘I saw you leave,’ he said. ‘You looked troubled. I …’ He paused, seeming at a loss.

She moved away, deeper into the foliage, and he followed. In a bower of ferns and palms, hidden from sight, she turned and looked up at him, and caught her breath. Just to be this close to him …

They were silent a long time. At last she said, ‘What do you want of me?’

He let out a shaky breath he had been holding. ‘Nothing. Everything,’ he said. ‘I didn’t believe … I hadn’t expected ever to feel like this. You feel it too, don’t you?’

‘Yes,’ she said. It was a relief to have the words said. ‘But it’s no good, is it?’ she added unhappily.

He looked pained, as though at a blow. ‘I can’t—’ he began, and had to try again. ‘I am in a hateful situation. I feel like the worst, the lowest—’

‘Don’t,’ she protested quietly.

‘I can’t marry where I want.’

‘I know.’

‘If I could … But I have – responsibilities. To the estate. My mother. My sisters. So much depends on me.’

‘The boulder.’

‘Yes.’ He clenched his fists, a movement of frustration. The words burst out, ‘I wish I could run away with you. Never come back. Go where no-one knows us.’

Just for an instant she allowed herself to imagine it. The heaven of it! To see Abroad – with him. But the flash of glory fizzled out all too quickly. ‘It wouldn’t work,’ she said at last. ‘You’d think about it all the time – the thing you should have done and didn’t. You’d be miserable.’

‘What makes you so wise?’ His voice sounded strange.

‘I’m not,’ she protested, shocked that he was agreeing with her. Don’t make me make your decisions, she wanted to cry out. I’m not wise. Not even sensible. You’re older than me, you’re a man!

‘I have to marry for money,’ he said bitterly. ‘That’s the sort of cad I am.’

‘You’re not—’ she began, and stopped. When he had followed her into the orangery, a small part of her hoped he might be going to claim her in spite of everything. But he was going to let her go. She saw it as clearly as she saw him standing there. Being in love didn’t matter. In the world of the grown-ups, other things were more important.

Well, she could be grown-up too. I’m just Miss Bayfield’s friend, she thought.

‘Kitty Bayfield is very rich,’ she said. Her voice seemed to be coming from a great distance.

‘I know,’ he said, and added bitterly, ‘She was on my aunt’s “list” of suitable girls.’

‘Marry her, then.’ He looked shocked, and she said, ‘She likes you. I care about her, and I know you’d be good to her. Some of the others, I wouldn’t want her to end up with them. They’d trample her, crush her. Marry Kitty. Let some good come out of it.’

He shook his head. ‘How can you talk like that?’

She didn’t answer. She didn’t know. She was drowning.

He took her hands. She was astonished at how much it meant, that touch. They both heard the distant bell.

‘Dressing bell,’ he said.

‘I should go,’ she said, wishing with all her heart he would defy the world and say they would run away together. But she didn’t know what it was to have people depend on you. Perhaps the world felt very different from that place.

He stepped closer. ‘Just this one time …’ he said. ‘If I can never be with you like this again, let me kiss you, just this once.’

She had no words. She wanted it just then more than breath or life. He bent his head towards her. Their mouths met. It was a joy shot through with such pain. It went on for ever, and lasted less than an instant.