Page 141 of Sweet Surrender

“I love you.”

I go still, the words cutting through the thick, humid air, through the walls I’ve been so carefully rebuilding since I left.

I love you.

That most definitely is not what I expected.

And yet, I ache at hearing it. At feeling the poignancy behind those three words. At knowing I can’t let myself believe them, no matter how much I want to.

“Your actions from the last few days, especially last night, do not scream love, Jase. No one would do that to someone they love.” I screwed up. Those were the words he started with. “Sleeping with another woman or women.” I still can’t get the visual of all those women all over him out of my head.

“What? No, I didn’t sleep with any of them.” His eyes are wide and his voice is shocked. He takes a step closer, hands out. “I promise. I couldn’t.”

My tongue feels thick in my mouth. “Right. You make a living using words to evoke emotions, so they don’t hold as much weight now.”

“Hendrix, I swear I did not have sex with anyone last night.” His jaw ticks. “But I’m so, so sorry. For being so callous. For shutting you out. And I hate that I did that last night, had those women there, and more so, I hate that you saw me do that to you.” He shakes his head, runs his hand down his face. “I—I couldn’t do anything more than what you saw. They weren’t you. You’re my . . . my fucking everything. How can I convince you that I love you? Because I can’t live without you.”

I don’t have an answer. Not a real one. So I throw out the only thing I can think of. “Tell me about the woman at the shelter. Your mom?”

He blows out a breath, his fingers twitching like he wants to reach for something—maybe his hat, maybe me—but instead, he just nods. “You play dirty.”

“No. I’m desperate to understand you and for this to work, I need to. In order for you to deserve my love, I have to understand the one thing that made you who you are.”

“Okay.” He lifts his hat, runs a hand through his hair, and exhales. “My dad left with Nathaniel when I was eight. He chose the orderly, non-troubled kid to take with him and his new family and left the kid who was too loud, got in a little too much trouble, behind. I was left with a mother who was schizophrenic, who would disappear for days on end without warning. That’s why I tell you where I am and when to expect me back, so you never have to wonder and wait like I did. It happened gradually, the illness stealing her mind until one day, she left and never came back.”

I press my lips together, my heart breaking for the boy he was and for the man he’s had to work to become.

“Jase—”

“Let me get it out. Please.” His voice wavers. “I was seventeen when it happened. I didn’t tell anyone. Didn’t want to be put in foster care and sure as hell didn’t want to live with the man who left me behind. So I lived at our apartment, deposited the checks my dad sent, and tried my luck at being on my own as long as I could. It was far from easy, but I managed. Made the bet with Rocket, and you know the rest.”

I watch him as he speaks, the rawness in his voice unravels me. The hurt. The anger. My love for him.

“I tried to get help for her,” he continues. “She wouldn’t take the meds. Preferred to be in her own world. I tried to get her committed for her own safety, because being a woman on the streets is dangerous, but that was a disaster and she refused. I volunteer every week, hoping to see her. It’s the only way I can make sure she’s all right. It’s my only chance at hopefully catching a glimpse of the woman I once knew. The woman who once loved me.”

Tears burn my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, I’m speechless.

“There’s nothing I can say,” I murmur.

He emits a self-deprecating laugh. “It is what it is, right? I don’t like people to know. It’s not for public consumption. A sad story to make an excuse for why I am how I am or to exploit her. Her and her story . . . her plight is only for me to have and hold and suffer through. Nathaniel doesn’t even know when she’s here. I just . . . I want my world to stay away from hers, because she’s under enough pressure. If mine collided with hers, it might break her more than she already is.”

“You’re a good son, Jase. A good man.” And I love you too.

I draw in a shaky breath as he tugs at the back of his neck. “I wasn’t . . . I was hiding it. From everyone. Only the guys know, and so when you showed up there, I felt like I’d been laid wide open for you to exploit. It’s not a good feeling, and I pulled a typical Jase. I lashed out. I pushed you away. After I heard you . . .”

“Heard me what?” I whisper.

He looks at me, hurt flickering in his eyes. “After I heard you tell Nathaniel you could never love me, I . . . I guess I was looking for a way to hurt you.”

I stare at him as my chest aches and my breath catches. “I told him that because you told me you’d promised him not to get involved with me. I told him that to protect you.”

His expression flickers, the hurt shifting into something else entirely.

“And then I heard your voice text,” he murmurs. “I heard what you said to Paul—”

“What?” My eyes widen.

“Yes. All of it. His bullshit but more importantly, how I’m your everything. And . . . I knew if I let you walk away from me, I’d lose something that makes me a better person. Someone who means the world to me. You.”