Page 204 of Off Limits: The Firsts

Let him walk out.

Each time I repeat the words my heart hurts. Each time I say them in my head, I’m reminded how damn gullible I am. First to fall back in bed with him, then to let Brexton’s words take hold and grow and evolve over the past two weeks. I began to believe that a true connection—a future—could be possible. The revelations last night with him in my arms making me think he realized there was more to us too.

And now this.

I brush my teeth with a vigor that might make a dentist cringe, but it’s easier to focus on my hygiene than to chase after him in the hallway to the elevator like a lovesick woman with zero self-worth.

It’s only when I dry my face off, when it’s buried in the hand towel that I let the tears that have worked themselves up slip over. It’s only when I let the disappointment hit me, and the hope I had worked up in my own mind to dissipate.

I stand there with my eyes closed and try to suck it up.

“Do you know what it’s like to feel like you don’t deserve anything?” Hunter’s voice shocks my eyes open, and a gasp falls from my lips. He didn’t leave? “Do you know what it’s like to live a life where your every step, your every thought, your every action is driven by how you can make amends for the wrongs you created?”

I take a step toward him, shaking my head as I try to follow him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, how do I deserve this life? How do I deserve someone like you when for as long as I can remember, I was told I don’t? I made myself think I didn’t.” His voice breaks and the pain, God, the pain, is so palpable I can feel it ricocheting in the space between us. “How do I let you walk into and be a part of my life when everything I’ve done up until this point, every person I’ve pushed away, everything I’ve walked away from, is another way to punish myself for what I did to Jonah and my parents.”

My body jolts at his admission and so does his. I watch him physically reject the words he just said, almost as if it’s the first time he’s ever heard them.

And just as quickly as I see it, Hunter pulls away physically by turning on his heels and jogging toward the door.

“No. Hunter,” I call after him, and luckily, he’s distracted by the emotions or else I never would be able to catch up to him and stand in front of the door like I do.

“Get out of the way, Dekker.” His face is a mask of fury and shame, and it breaks my heart to see such distress in his every muscle.

“No. I’m not letting you walk out this door. I’m not letting you believe for another goddamn second that you don’t deserve the success you have, the accolades you’ve achieved, or the love and affection you deserve.” I’m breathless when I finally finish speaking, but I feel like I’m on borrowed time to keep him here and make him believe what I’ve said.

“No, I don’t.” He shakes his head and looks at me like a little boy wanting to believe but not trusting that he should.

“Yes, you do,” I say and take a step forward.

“You don’t know what happened. You don’t understand—”

“Then make me understand. Sit down and tell me everything and get the weight you’re carrying off your shoulders.”

“I don’t know if I can,” he says in a whisper.

I don’t care that he feels a million miles away from me, I take another step toward him and place his face in my hands. He tries to pull away, but I don’t let him. “I know you’re a good person, Hunter Maddox. I know you bust your ass day in and day out chasing a ghost no one can see, and I know it has to be a merciless burden that you carry.” I wipe the lone tear that escapes his eye and slides down his cheek. It’s devastating to see. But it’s also a sign that maybe I’ll be able to get through to him. Maybe I can help him. “Please, talk to me.”

Hunter

I stare at Dekker, and my body and mind revolt.

I’m terrified that if she sees what I did, she’ll walk away for good and never come back.

Her eyes tell me to trust her and her words tell me to believe her, but fucking hell if that’s not hard when all I know is regret. When all I feel is guilt.

I took away their star, their life, their hope.

“Hunter? Come on, talk to me. You can trust me.”

My pulse pounds in my ears and my chest feels like it’s on fire, like the space around my lungs is constricting and squeezing the breath out of me.

Betrayal comes with telling someone. A betrayal to my misery, to myself, to the way I’ve lived my life, and fuck, it’s a hard thing to let go.

I open my mouth and shut it, the words so very hard to utter, that day so godawful to relive, but I know I need to.

I know that if anyone can help me, it’s Dekk. She walked away from me before, knowing I would hurt her if she told me how she felt. I knew it. She knew it. It was so much easier to pretend like her leaving was no big deal.